Empathy instead of a power struggle

A mother writes to Jesper Juul:

My son Simon, 7, has a strong personality and is always challenging me.
me again and again. Simon was superior to his peers from an early age and has great self-confidence.

He deals sensitively with his two younger siblings. There are hardly any problems with his friends either. He is charming and very popular with other children. The difficulty lies in dealing with adults. He often doesn't listen to what I say. He just does what he wants. It seems to me that he doesn't take me seriously.

Another challenge is his impulsiveness. If he feels he has been treated unfairly or something doesn't go the way he wants it to, he gets angry. He shouts, throws things around and slams the door. He often hits his siblings too. Sometimes I get the feeling that he gets upset over every little thing.

It's very stressful, especially because his mood changes quickly. My husband and I are very strict. We want to raise our children to be respectful people. We recently introduced a reward system. When Simon behaved well, he was allowed to put a sticker on a chart.

Unfortunately, this only worked for a short time. At some point, he simply didn't care if he didn't get a sticker. Because the table no longer offered Simon any incentive, we have now agreed on time with us as a reward. If he behaves properly for a week, we'll go on a trip on the steamboat, for example.

You only give your son two options: To adopt your values - or to resist them.

But that doesn't really work out either. Simon enjoys going to school and learns quickly. But even at school, he keeps getting into trouble with adults, especially one teacher. He doesn't respect her and doesn't follow her rules. I keep getting negative feedback from the school management.

I'm very worried about Simon because his behaviour gets him into trouble everywhere. But he's such a great boy. How can I help him to get his impulsive personality under control? How can I teach him to have respect for other people? Would punishment or rewards be a good idea?

Answer from Jesper Juul

Neither! I have the feeling that far too many strategies and tactics have already been tried out on Simon. Your son is disrespectful towards his parents and his peers. He wasn't born that way. This begs the question: how could he become like this?

The answer is obvious: he learnt it from his parents in his family. Now you will probably protest loudly and say that you don't behave the way I think you do. Let me make sure you understand me correctly: I don't believe that Simon is a copy of his parents.

But his behaviour is a consequence of how you met him during the first two to three years. Here is my theory: you judge your son's behaviour as «right or wrong» as «positive and negative».

This means that you categorise his behaviour and put him in a box. Your son has two options: Either he adopts his parents' values and actively uses them in his relationships with other people. Or he resists your values.

It is not your fault that your son is the way he is. His behaviour is only the result of who you are and what you do or don't do.

The same pattern is often found in families where parents do not really live by certain values and twist in the wind like flags. One child becomes an active moralist, the other goes with the flow.

I mention this in the hope of avoiding you believing that you are to blame. It is not your fault that your son is the way he is. His behaviour is only a consequence of who you are and what you do or don't do.

You write that your son has a strong sense of justice. This is the case with most children, but children who have experienced too much justice - for example, enforcing values in order to remain fair - experience a kind of short circuit.

Your son has obviously experienced a lot of your beliefs as clearly unfair. There are reasons why Simon is behaving the way he is. You praise your son when he behaves «well». It hurts him all the more when you criticise him.

Because if he behaves «out of line», he hopes that you won't act as a judge, but that you will trust him and take an interest in him and his feelings. Imagine a child living in a constant state of tension between positive and negative and not managing to be himself.

It therefore doesn't help to praise him for positive things or punish him for negative things. This only increases the excitement and pain. Simon knows about your values. Now he wants to be heard and taken seriously. I hope it's not too late for that.

Letting go is difficult; it's in the nature of us humans.

My theory can also be wrong! The best way to find out is to look inwards and ask yourself: Do we categorically hold on to our opinions and attitudes?

And: Is one of us as an adult also a strong and difficult personality? If my analysis is only partially correct, I believe that you need professional help. Your values are integrated into your life.

Letting go is difficult; it's human nature. But you have to try. Your son will not stop defending himself.