Discussion instead of obedience: the new education

Jutta Ecarius is Professor of Educational Science at the University of Cologne and an expert in the field of educational research. As such, she has written a large qualitative empirical study on the change in family upbringing over three generations. For Jutta Ecarius, the question of whether today's generation of parents has too little control over their children due to their eagerness to discuss them does not arise.

She doesn't like the term «in control», which comes from the era of authoritarian parenting and should no longer exist today. According to Ecarius, it describes a «command household» that was characterised by discipline and subordination; education consisted of obedience, strictness, renunciation, subordination, cleanliness and punctuality. Dissent was not tolerated.

Today, parents have a completely different relationship with their children.

Jutta Ecarius, educational scientist at the University of Cologne

Power was clearly divided between parents and children: Anyone who did not abide by the rules - which were mostly set by the father - was punished with strictness and, if necessary, violence. «Today, parents have a completely different relationship with their children,» explains Jutta Ecarius. The basis of parenting today is trust.

Accordingly, mothers and fathers are confidants, counsellors and companions for their children rather than traditional persons of respect. Parenting is understood as a communicative and counselling practice, parents educate in a loving, attentive and not rule-obsessed manner. Ecarius calls this parenting style a «negotiating household with a counselling character».

Typically, the interpersonal relationship with the child is always at the forefront. The older the child gets, the more the negotiation of rules and adherence to them recedes into the background and parents become more and more like counselling educators. This can be exhausting at times. «But the new parents are doing a pretty good job,» says the educationalist.

Parents help their children to find themselves

«Growing up today means finding your way through the jungle of possibilities and finding your own path,» says Ecarius. «To do that, you have to know: Who am I? What do I want? What's best for me?» Today's parents want to help their children find all of this out. They are their offspring's most important point of contact - whether it's about feelings, fears, school or relationships.

Parents should not torment themselves with the question of whether they are doing something fundamentally wrong in bringing up their children.

Jutta Ecarius, educational scientist

«Conversations have taken the place of rigid rules, especially as the children get older,» says Ecarius. The child's experiences are then analysed and strategies for evaluating these experiences are considered so that the child learns to develop their own standards of judgement. The aim is to enable the child to recognise their needs and abilities and then decide what they want. Jutta Ecarius sees the only disadvantage in the fact that this type of education is incredibly complex, very time-consuming and demanding.

Education as a reflexive process

«Education is increasingly becoming a constantly reflexive process,» says Ecarius. Of course, this can also lead to exaggerations: too much encouragement, too much protection, too much decision-making - and too much discussion. And every now and then, when a rule has to be discussed for the millionth time, parents may want to have a handy parenting formula to hand.

A prescription that is as effective as a drug in immediately interrupting strenuous childish lines of argument: Quiet in the box! That's it! Full stop! That is understandable and human. However, a return to an authoritarian management style is not an option for the educationalist. Nor, says Ecarius, should parents torment themselves with the question of whether they are doing something fundamentally wrong in bringing up their children.

The researcher is bothered by the fact that parents are always the centre of attention when something goes wrong in their children's upbringing. «Parents who want to be counsellors for their children are genuinely interested in their lives,» says Ecarius. This genuine interest is the basic prerequisite for children to tell their fathers or mothers about their worries, their troubles with peers, arguments and generally about themselves and their thoughts. Only if parents are «counsellors» will the children allow them to share their inner lives.

Parenting style influences health

Last but not least, parenting style is an important influencing factor for the physical and psychological development of children, as the national research programme «Childhood, Youth and Intergenerational Relationships in Societal Change», NRP 52, shows. «It states that the parenting behaviour of parents becomes a lasting destiny for children,» explains Pasqualina Perrig-Chiello, professor emeritus of psychology.

According to Perrig-Chiello, parental parenting styles not only have an effect on family life, but also on children's school performance and favour the development of comprehension skills and self-confidence.

According to Perrig-Chiello, the consultative and participative parenting style - i.e. a leadership style in which the children are allowed to develop their own suggestions and these are discussed together - has by far the most favourable influence on the psychological and emotional development of children, regardless of the social context of the family. In contrast, for example, to the paradoxical authoritarian style («demanding but not encouraging»).

Education must always be orientated towards the needs of the children.

Klaus Schneewind, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Munich

According to the NRP 52 project, young adults who have experienced a paradoxical parenting style suffer more from nervous tension, have an increased risk of addiction and experience significantly more feelings of meaninglessness, including suicidal thoughts or even suicide attempts.

The basis for good development is that children need to feel secure, agreed Klaus Schneewind, professor emeritus of psychology in Munich, with his colleague Pasqualina Perrig-Chiello in the specialist publication «Psychoscope» of the Swiss Psychologists FSP.

«Education must always be orientated towards the needs of children - and not towards those of adults, just because these are supposedly societal needs,» explains Schneewind. Today, it is about creatively shaping one's own path in life.

Discipline, coupled with fear and obedience, cannot play a role here. This would only break the child's will and suppress individuality and initiative. Because parenting is so stressful today, Ecarius, Perrig-Chiello and Schneewind are calling for parents to be more valued and supported in their parenting in a resource-orientated way.