«Detachment is a process that can take a lifetime»

Mrs Konrad, you have written a book about the detachment of children from their parents. Don't we automatically detach ourselves when we grow up, move out and start our own family?

Outwardly certainly, but inwardly there are often blockages in emotional detachment. We recognise this when our thoughts and feelings revolve too much around our parents. Some people are constantly disappointed in their parents and resent them because they are not the way they want them to be.

Others bend themselves into adulthood to please their parents and fulfil their expectations - and ultimately fail to live up to their own needs and dreams. All of this makes people very unhappy in the long run, and many don't even realise that they are still emotionally entangled with their parents.

They consider this detachment process to be very important and even argue that all our relationships benefit from it. Why?

Because we become better relationship partners and also better parents when our detachment is successful. Specifically, it's about growing up emotionally, i.e. becoming mature, so that we can enter into close relationships - even outside of our family. Then we can be close to others without losing ourselves.

We have to say goodbye to the expectations of parents that don't suit us.

It is not a plea for a «goodbye, that's it now, see you never again». On the contrary. It's about loving your parents more maturely and having a relationship with them on an equal footing. Unfortunately, there are quite a few people who bend over backwards in front of their parents and believe they have to hide a lot or keep things secret.

Some people may have a strained relationship with their parents, but are happy in their own family, job and friendships. Is the parental relationship really that important?

I often observe that people who have not left their parents in a healthy state carry conflicts they have left behind into their other relationships. This then leads us to act out these conflicts with our partner, children or friends and re-enact them. Then we might shout at our husband because he is two minutes late - but what is actually shouting is our childish self, which has been repeatedly neglected by our father.

Or we feel constricted when our partner demands quite harmless agreements for everyday life - because it reminds us of our mum, who left us no room to breathe. Or we argue with our children about expenses that we could actually afford without any problems - because we know that from our parents' perspective, they might look pompous and excessive.

Isn't that also a question of type? Some people may have to bear the wounds of their childhood for longer, while others leave these issues behind them more quickly.

I think it's important to look closely at what detachment is. It's a process that everyone goes through. It's not a quick step that you can take once and then it's ticked off. On the one hand, this process is about saying goodbye to the expectations of parents that don't suit you. On the other hand, it's also about putting up with their disappointment that may arise if, to stick with classic examples, you are not interested in taking over the family business or moving close to your parents.

Growing up means becoming true to yourself. We are not born to fulfil our parents' expectations and orders.

These expectations don't even have to be expressed by the parents, we have internalised them deeply. How do I become aware of them and how do I resolve them?

Some of the parents' expectations are right for us. We are happy to fulfil them because they suit us. Others, however, overwhelm us or make us unhappy. These often give us important clues as to where we should take a closer look, where we took the wrong turn in life in order to please our parents.

Let me give you an example: a client of mine suddenly had panic attacks after a long-awaited promotion, he could no longer sleep and was completely out of control. During the therapy, he realised that although he had fulfilled his father's wish with the promotion, he had failed to meet his own needs. It was only when he gave himself permission to give up his professional position and take on a job with less responsibility that his symptoms disappeared. He could breathe freely again and had the feeling: «I'm back to myself.»

What else is part of the replacement?

Another very important aspect is that we scrutinise our own expectations of our parents. This is often very painful when, for example, we have to realise that our parents were never the way we would have liked them to be - and never will be. Accepting this can be extremely hard. And many people avoid this pain. At this point, it is important that we look after ourselves and no longer expect our parents to do so.

Your book begins with a checklist. It says, for example: «I have to make my parents proud» or «I often argue with my parents to prove to them that I am right». You write: Anyone who agrees with even one of these sentences is not yet «sufficiently detached».

Yes - and I think it's worth going through this checklist for everyone.

I maintain that almost everyone feels caught out at one point or another.

This proves that detachment is a process that we all have to go through and that can sometimes take a lifetime. It's about leaving the role of a child behind and feeling and acting like an adult. For example: there's nothing wrong with wanting my parents to be proud of me. It becomes problematic when I act against my own inner attitude in order to make my parents proud.

Growing up means becoming true to yourself. We are not born to fulfil the expectations and orders of our parents. We have been given this wonderful gift of life in order to shape it. And in doing so, we are basically paying our parents the greatest compliment. Namely, that they have allowed us to mature into independent individuals who are capable of leading a self-determined, happy life.

How do I deal with it if my parents don't go along with it - and keep criticising my career decisions, for example?

You realise that as an adult you no longer need your parents' approval. Of course we all like it when our parents praise us, but we can also exist if our parents don't agree with everything. As a child, we were dependent on our parents. Today, it is up to us to organise our lives in such a way that we are satisfied. This also includes becoming good parents ourselves.

If you have a stable self, you have sufficient self-confidence and can set yourself apart well.

We treat each other the way we would have always wanted our parents to treat us: We treat ourselves kindly and lovingly. We encourage ourselves. In this way, we become more and more independent of them and then we also manage to stay calm when they disagree with us or criticise us. If you have a stable self, you have sufficient self-confidence and can set boundaries well.

Nevertheless, this focus on detachment can also awaken deep fears of loss and separation.

Yes, there are children who get a fright at first and think: «Am I going to lose my parents now?» Or parents who fear that their children will turn away from them if they separate. However, a healthy detachment creates the exact opposite: parents and children can meet authentically. This can lead to something incredibly enriching, namely a relationship that is not based on feelings of guilt, rebellion or fulfilment of duty.

And what does the relationship look like when adult children can't detach themselves?

From the outside, these can be completely unremarkable parent-child relationships. There is regular contact, everything seems harmonious. But things are bubbling under the surface. Children fulfil their parents' expectations because otherwise they feel very guilty, but develop resentment and are not happy in their lives.

Another case is that of permanently rebellious adult children who never miss an argument with their parents. They have aligned their decision-making or life compass against their parents and always do what their parents don't want - which is of course not a good way to find yourself.

And then there are quite a few parent-child relationships that are perceived as agonising by the children because they are merely maintained by a rigid corset of conventions. I remember a client who said: «I feel paralysed with my parents. It's so boring. I almost fall asleep when I sit at the table with them. I have a knot in my stomach and am completely depressed in the days that follow.» This paralysis and speechlessness is familiar to many people who are not detached.

How do you get out of it?

If you feel so trapped and believe that you can't or shouldn't change anything, you can ask yourself a few important questions: «What would happen if I put my wishes above my sense of duty?» Or: «What would happen if I carried on as before?» Sometimes the answers to these questions are so frightening that an inner strength finally arises to change something.

By letting go of their child according to their age, parents support their child's detachment.

My client, who was so bored with her parents, replied: «I get depressed, just want to sleep, lose my job and my friends, and then at some point I have to move back in with my parents.»

This horror story awakened her resistance and she realised how unhealthily entangled she still was with her parents. We were then able to start working on her detachment and she gradually learnt to feel and formulate her own wishes, to set boundaries, to help shape her relationship with her parents instead of submitting to something that wasn't good for her.

What does the topic of detachment look like for parents? Can they also ensure that a healthy detachment takes place?

In any case, parents can support their children in this process. Detachment is not a one-way street. In the course of their lives, children have the task of detaching themselves from their parents. And parents ideally fulfil their task of letting go of their children.

Letting go does not mean kicking the children out of the nest when they are not yet ready, but accompanying them into independence in an age-appropriate manner. Giving support, but also trusting the child so that it develops self-confidence. An example from my practice: A young woman had quit her job to go travelling around the world with her partner. Her mother was completely horrified. What can happen!

How did you advise them?

I accompanied and translated the two of them during the exchange. Basically, it was about reflecting to the mother that she had raised her daughter to be such an independent and courageous person that she now dared to live her dreams. It was important for me to convey to the mother that she had done a very good job: «Your daughter is now an adult. She has both feet firmly on the ground, she is self-confident and strong. And that's also thanks to you. You can really let go.»

But don't parents always worry about their children?

Of course. But excessive parental care leads to fear, and in the worst case scenario, this leads to children not trusting themselves. You can't protect your child from everything anyway. But you can be there for them when they need you. It's very reassuring to know that your parents are there for you in case of doubt - no matter how old you are or what happens.

How important is a good detachment from our own parents when we become a mum or dad ourselves?

This is an important point. I often see new parents asking themselves questions like these: Where am I still stuck in old conflicts? What old disappointments do I still need to work through so that I don't pass them on to my own children?

Are there signs that I am making it difficult for my children to detach? For example, if I have particular expectations of them?

It depends on whether the child can and likes to fulfil parental expectations. It is important that children can reject inappropriate parental expectations. After all, parents have many expectations of their children, often quite unconsciously. This starts during pregnancy. They visualise how the child will turn out, or secretly wish for a boy or a girl, for example.

That's how I felt. When I found out that I was going to have a son, I was disappointed. I had wanted a daughter so much. I even cried for a moment.

How healthy that you allowed this sadness! Have you mourned for a long time?

No, after an hour everything was fine again and I could look forward to seeing my son.

This is a very good example of how we can deal with our expectations as parents. We recognise them and adapt them without blaming the child or making them feel guilty. After all, there will be many more disappointments in the course of parenthood.

Your son may take a different career path than you would like, marry someone you don't like or hold political views that you find terrible. You are allowed to be disappointed in these situations. You are allowed to cry and talk to your friends about how difficult you find this. There is no point in suppressing these feelings.

When we are able to take care of ourselves emotionally, we often take a softer view of our parents.

But it is hardly helpful to show your child your own disappointment.

That brings us back to emotional maturity. We feel what is, we endure differences and that is precisely why we can stay in contact. By showing our children that we do not suppress our feelings, but allow them, we are good teachers for them. We are allowed to be sad that our child is taking a different path than we had hoped for many years. But we have no right to force our child into our wishes.

Nevertheless, my child remains my child for life and I remain its mother.

You're absolutely right. The two of you will always have a special relationship, in which family loyalty also plays a role. If the detachment is successful, a wonderful relationship at eye level can develop. Ideally, adult children can feel connected to their parents and at the same time lead a self-determined life that may well deviate from their parents' expectations.

Instead of fear of loss, we trust that we are loved. Instead of guilt, we feel gratitude, understanding and love for our parents. When we have learned to take care of ourselves emotionally, we often develop a softer view of our parents because we realise that - in view of their own childhood experiences - they were the best parents they could have been.

Book tip

Sandra Konrad: Not without my parents. How healthy detachment improves all our relationships. Piper 2023. approx. 38 francs.