Between children and needy parents

When my nine-year-old daughter travelled by bus alone for the first time, she came home beaming. She marches proudly into her room - with the feeling that she has gained a new independence. At dinner, she tells her dad not to pick her up from gymnastics anymore: «I can do it without you now».

As she lies contentedly in her bed in the evening, my father calls. He is devastated because, at 81 years old, he is stranded in the chaos of the Deutsche Bahn. The realisation that he is dependent on the help of others when travelling (and occasionally elsewhere) depresses him deeply.

My father has been waiting for me outside the station for a while because he finds it difficult to climb the stairs.

This day in May is a turning point for him as well as for my daughter. While she cuts the cord and feels a sense of freedom, my father feels dependent and limited in his options.

Creeping role reversal

I realise that my parents, who live in Germany, will sooner or later need more and more support from us children. For years, I didn't even think about the fact that my mum and dad would also grow old one day. But at some point, the situation started to materialise.

My father, who used to pick me up at the railway station and carry my suitcase, has been waiting for me outside the station for a long time because he finds it difficult to climb stairs. I, who loved to be carried around on his shoulders for hours as a child, now often support him when we go for a walk. The change came gradually, we swapped roles more and more, which is often painful for both sides.

Worries about the parents

The thought of my parents becoming increasingly needy in the coming months and years is stressful. I experience my situation on behalf of many women between 45 and 60 who are heavily involved and challenged by family and work. When you add caring for parents or parents-in-law who are in greater need, it's easy for everyday life to fall apart at the seams.

For me, the topic is mainly mental, because in my private and professional environment, many women are caring for their mum or dad. Until recently, we used to talk about our children over a glass of wine in the evening, but now parents are a topic that is very much on our minds. This is because they are now demanding resources that we don't actually have in our phase of life with family and work.

If care work were fully remunerated, it would be the largest economic sector in Switzerland.

My parents are still managing well on their own at the moment. But this situation is finite, as I was painfully reminded during my last visit. My husband and I had split up for a long weekend: He visited his parents and I travelled to my parents' house with our daughter. Instead of spending a short family break together, which would have done us good, we spent time apart with our ageing parents.

A voluntary decision

Why do people (or rather women) so often take it upon themselves to look after their parents? Many people seem to feel obliged to look after their ageing parents, to care for them or even nurse them. My great-grandmother lived with us under one roof until she died at the age of 103 - my mother didn't work and yet the situation took its toll on her and the whole family.

Philosopher Barbara Bleisch writes in her book «Why we owe our parents nothing» that caring for our parents is not a matter of course. It states that, from an ethical point of view, adults have no duties towards their parents «simply because they are their children». The decision to care for parents should be voluntary - especially as the commitment is often difficult to reconcile with one's own job.

It is worth taking a look abroad: in France, similar to parental leave, there is also the right to take time off to care for sick relatives. For Barbara Bleisch, this makes perfect sense, as it must first and foremost be a social responsibility to guarantee everyone a dignified life in old age. In reality, however, it is often family women who volunteer their already limited time to ensure that not only their children but also their parents are well looked after.

Unpaid labour of love

In Switzerland, around 600,000 people care for and look after their relatives without being paid for it. If this so-called care work were fully remunerated, it would be the largest economic sector in Switzerland. At least in my environment, I have noticed that not only women, but more and more men feel responsible for looking after their parents. You can now be employed by a Spitex organisation to care for relatives - that's a step in the right direction, even if the majority of care is still provided free of charge.

This labour of love can of course also be a form of giving back that triggers positive feelings. For this reason, I also want to be there for my parents when the time comes. I have resolved to keep a close eye on my own resources. Because even though my daughter is now becoming more independent, I don't want to neglect my own family and my job. But what the future will look like is written in the stars. As John Lennon once said: «Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.»