Being parents - staying a couple

In order for everyone in the family to feel comfortable, good relationships are needed between all family members. The relationship between the parents is particularly important. On the one hand, it is important for the well-being of both parents to feel that they are a couple and to be able to live the relationship between husband and wife. This provides peace, strength and satisfaction.

On the other hand, an intact parental relationship is also important for children: parents who are on good terms with each other have fewer conflicts, argue less often and are calmer in their parenting. Nobody likes it when there is constant anger and resentment at home, neither children nor parents. Calm and stability are basic needs that most people have. It is therefore important that parents not only be parents, but also remain a couple.

A child turns everything upside down

It's not always easy to follow the guiding principle of «being parents - staying a couple». Life's priorities change when you have children: Young human life demands an enormous amount of attention. A child is dependent on its adult carers and needs love, attention, support and time over the years.

Sleep rhythms and well-rehearsed schedules are changing, free time is becoming a precious commodity.

A child turns a couple's usual routines upside down. Parenthood has an impact on many areas of life: Sleep patterns and well-established schedules change, careers and jobs have to be adapted to the needs of the family. Free time becomes a precious commodity. New roles have to be defined and tried out, which makes you realise your own limits.

The partnership is changing

As the children develop, the parents also change and develop, and with them the relationship as a couple. New patterns and rituals have to be found again and again. Coping with these changes, internalising them and adapting to them requires strength and energy. The relationship sometimes seems to lack both.

When a man and woman become parents, the quality of the partnership and satisfaction decreases for most of them. On the other hand, parents are often happier in their lives compared to couples without children. In most cases, seeing a child grow up brings joy and satisfaction. Children are experienced as an enrichment, as an answer to the question of the meaning of life. And above all, giving and receiving love are feelings that parents would not want to miss.

The developmental task of becoming a parent involves changes, both positive and negative. For everyone, the quality of a partnership means something different. As a rule, we associate it with a high degree of mutual respect, love, trust, reliability, stability, togetherness, expression of feelings and tenderness.

Sharing positive experiences is of great importance.

A couple's relationship and therefore the quality of the relationship are not fixed values. Both are constantly changing, with or without children. The relationship and therefore the quality of the relationship change because the partners and the environment are constantly readjusting over the course of their lives. To keep the relationship alive and the partners close, it is very important to share positive experiences.

7 tips on how to cultivate a partnership

1. keep problems apart

The partner is not responsible for all problems. Often the reason for arguments is the challenging situation. It helps to keep the different levels apart: The level of the parents (upbringing, children's leisure time, school), the level as a couple (relationship, support, understanding and togetherness) and the level as an individual (job, hobbies, relaxation, activities alone). None of these levels should be completely neglected.

Everyone needs time for themselves in order to be satisfied and energised, to perceive themselves as individuals and to be able to develop further. If one level is neglected for too long, dissatisfaction usually arises. There is a danger of blaming your partner for the fact that you don't have enough time for yourself, have had to cut back at work or have not been able to complete the planned further training, for example.

2. take care of yourself

In order to engage with someone else, we need to feel ourselves, we need to know how we are feeling, what is on our minds and what we want. We can't do this if we still have a thousand unfinished business in our heads and are under stress. We are much less calm and open under stress. Free, unplanned time in which we do what is good for us is relaxation and opens our minds.

Allow yourself regular breaks. There should be moments in each day that belong only to you: Breaks in which you do what you like. In which you don't have to fulfil any obligations or perform. A brief moment is often enough. Treat yourself to a cup of coffee, a shower, a relaxing bath. Sport also helps to clear your head. Or a meeting with good friends.

Sleep deprivation can quickly lead to a downward spiral.

Make sure you get enough sleep. Lack of sleep is one of the reasons why you sometimes no longer remember the good things about your partner and everything just seems grey. Sleep deprivation can quickly lead to a downward spiral of tiredness - irritability - accusations - counter-accusations.

Prolonged stress can destroy a relationship. It takes away the strength needed for reconciliation and destroys the time that would be needed for couple discussions. Parents should always bear this in mind: The first few years with children in particular are stressful to the max. But this phase will pass.

3. realistic expectations

We often have too high expectations of ourselves and our partner. Expectations that are too high are always followed by frustration. The urge for perfection prevents us from being at peace with ourselves. Adjust your expectations. To what is feasible and realistic.

Put aside unimportant things and concentrate on what is important to you. Bear in mind that your partner may also have reached the limits of their own capabilities and may not be able to support you as much as you would like.

4. precise agreements

Agree who will take on which tasks in everyday family life. Once the tasks have been allocated, let go. Trust your partner. Check from time to time whether the tasks are distributed fairly. Speak openly about any dissatisfaction.

5. talk, talk, talk

Many couples degenerate into managers of everyday life; feelings fall by the wayside. However, a relationship cannot succeed if the partnership is reduced to organising and managing everyday family life. Overcoming problems together does contribute to satisfaction in a relationship. But that alone is not enough to feel like a couple.

It is important that you stay in dialogue with each other as a couple. Talking to each other means opening up. Talk about your own wishes, hopes and worries. Allow your partner to participate in your life. You should also talk about unpleasant things and look for solutions together. Unresolved problems ferment and poison the partnership.

6. take time out together

Take time for each other. Rediscover yourself as a couple. It often makes sense to spend time away from your own four walls. Hand your children over to a trusted person and learn as a couple that you are more than just parents.

7. accept changes

It takes time to get used to a new situation. Give your partner time to come to terms with the changes and find themselves again. Don't mourn things that are no longer there. Take on a new situation with courage and find out for yourself what it means for you as a couple, as parents and for your everyday family life. No matter how much we try to do something: Sometimes it just doesn't work out. And it remains a resolution.

Don't be too hard on yourself or your partner.

Stay calm in such moments. Don't be too hard on yourself or your partner. Address problems openly and look for solutions together. A pinch of humour and social contacts help to keep your head above water in times of crisis. Until, after around 20 years, your everyday family life calms down as if by magic.