Ms Lannen, Mr Jenni, there are countless books about couples. Why do we need another one?
Lannen: The book is not a traditional guidebook, but rather a guide for parents to use in their conversations with each other. There are many conversation cards and question games for couples, but children are usually not included in them. Yet children occupy such a large part of parents' thoughts and everyday lives. Our book fills a gap.
Jenni: During my consultations, I have often asked myself: What do these parents do to ensure that they are happy as a couple? Until now, I lacked a tool that I could give them to help them start talking to each other again. Something that would help them reflect on and strengthen their relationship as a couple and their relationship with their child.
How did the 101 questions come about?
Jenni: We were in a restaurant and started scribbling the first versions of the questions on the menu while we were eating. We thought about the different roles that couples with children find themselves in. That's how we came up with the four categories: being a couple, being a parent, being a child and being a family. And then we added to the questions over many months and revised them again and again.
When children see and feel that their parents treat each other with respect, this provides them with valuable learning opportunities.
Patricia Lannen
Lannen: Although our personal experiences have influenced the questions, we have primarily formulated them based on our professional expertise. What concepts exist in developmental psychology? What developmental tasks do children have? How can parents support them in this?
So these are not general questions such as: «What is your favourite food?»
Jenni: The questions are intended to stimulate in-depth dialogue between parents. For example: Why do you love me? How do we handle different situations? What has had a strong influence on our child ? They are designed to help parents engage in discussions that go beyond who picks up the child from nursery or helps with homework.
Lannen: At the same time, our book encourages us to see the world from the perspective of others and to learn from each other, something that is easily lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. When you understand others, it is much easier to treat each other with love and respect.
The book has a playful feel and is colourfully designed. Is the order in which a couple asks each other the questions open?
Lannen: Yes , absolutely. Not every question is relevant at every moment. Sometimes a question simply doesn't fit, so you leave it out. Readers decide for themselves what they want to share and what they don't.
Communication is like a muscle that needs to be exercised.
Oskar Jenni
How should the book be used? Should it be kept on the bedside table, and every evening before going to sleep, pick a question at random?
Lannen: That would be one possibility. Shared rituals are very valuable – for a couple, but also for children and the whole family. Each couple should decide for themselves how they want to use the book. We don't make any recommendations.
Jenni: In our experience, many parents find themselves at a loss for conversation topics when they finally have time for each other. There is no dialogue because they don't know where to start. This is where the book can provide refreshing inspiration.
Lannen: It's best to start in a calm, relaxed phase. That way, you have a cushion to fall back on when things get stormy.
Jenni: Communication is like a muscle that needs to be exercised. That's why we've included a few rules in the book that promote constructive dialogue.
For example?
Lannen: Expressing thoughts and feelings in «I» messages, communicating negative points respectfully and without aggression, and listening attentively to the other person without constantly interrupting.
You have to be able to create a safe space and know that whatever you share is safe here.
Patricia Lannen
Jenni: Listening also takes practice. Instead of immediately responding with a counterargument such as «No, that's not true!», you should pause, accept what has been said and ask specific questions.
Lannen: For example: «I didn't quite understand that. Could you tell me more about it?» A common pitfall in communication is generalising, for example with sentences such as: «You're always like that. You always say this and that.» It is better to refer to a specific situation: «In this situation, I felt this way and that way.»
What else is important?
Lannen: A safe space is needed. You have to be able to create a safe space and know that whatever you share is safe there. That means that what is said in an open exchange will not be used against you in a tense situation.
Jenni: The book is not a substitute for therapy. If serious problems arise, those affected should definitely seek help.
With the birth of their first child, the quality of a couple's relationship declines rapidly.
Oskar Jenni
Isn't the book reserved for privileged parents who can afford to make room for it?
Jenni: No, I think it's extremely important for all parents. Especially for those who are under a lot of stress, it's crucial to make time for each other.
Nevertheless, how do you get parents to regularly make time for such exchanges in their hectic everyday family life?
Lannen: Parents are the most important role models for their children for a long time . When children see and feel that their parents treat each other with respect and love, and also learn how to deal with tensions, this is a valuable learning experience for them.
Jenni: We mustn't forget that a couple's relationship has a significant influence on a child's development and well-being. Strong parents have happy children. And because the quality of a couple's relationship declines rapidly with the birth of their first child, parents would do well to start early.
So does that mean the book is already part of the birth preparation?
Jenni: Exactly, the book actually belongs in the mummy suitcase so that expectant mothers and fathers can familiarise themselves with it before the birth.
Information about the book
One question is: «Where do you see us in 20 years?» Isn't that a rather long time frame?
Lannen: Many couples wonder where they will be in five or ten years, i.e. in the medium term. Looking ahead to a different phase of life can reveal entirely new perspectives, perhaps even unexpected desires, and create entirely new possibilities. We understand «us» to mean asking yourself: Where do you want to go on your own? Where do I want to go? And where do we want to go together as a couple?
Jenni: This question is also interesting for couples who have been together for a long time and know each other well. Often, there is an unspoken assumption that you know exactly what the other person wants or how they see things. But people change throughout their lives.
We would like to ask you three questions from the book in person. The first, which is sure to be on many parents' minds, is: «How can we create time for ourselves as a couple?»
Lannen: For us, it's the quarter of an hour we spend drinking coffee in the morning before the children wake up. We make a conscious effort to take this time. Or we often stay seated for an extra quarter of an hour after dinner and chat. On Sunday evenings, we usually talk about what has moved us over the past week and what we can expect in the coming days.
Jenni: So you don't necessarily need one fixed evening a week without the children or even a weekend together as a couple. If you regularly take fifteen minutes of conscious couple time, it makes a big difference.
The next question: «What surprised you most about being a parent?»
Lannen: To this day, I am amazed at how different my children are: what works well for one does not work at all for the other. This constantly challenges me as a mother. For this reason, we deliberately phrased the questions in the chapter on children in the singular. They should be answered individually for each child.
As parents, we must learn to let go of expectations sometimes – especially those we have of our own children.
Oskar Jenni
Jenni: What surprised me most was how much parenthood has changed me. As a young person, I was very active and energetic. Being a father has taught me to develop serenity as a basic inner attitude. Serenity does not mean being passive or indifferent, but rather letting expectations pass by sometimes – especially those you have of your own children. It's about accepting that things don't always go the way you want them to and learning to regulate your own emotions and fears.
On the third question: «In what situations are you completely there for your child?»
Lannen: For me, it was the countless hours I spent playing role-playing games with my children, for example as a frog or as a random acquaintance who became my daughter's friend. When we immersed ourselves in shared fantasy worlds, I felt that my children felt loved and seen. Now that they are teenagers, for my son it's those moments when we sit together on the sofa and don't really do anything, but just be together and talk. For my 17-year-old daughter, who is already very independent, I am always available and will respond even in the middle of a meeting if she calls me. In that moment, I am completely there for her; afterwards, her life and mine go on as usual.
Jenni: In the past , it was the moments before bedtime when I felt particularly close to my sons. Now that they are young adults, they need me in a completely different way. They often come to me unexpectedly when they are looking for advice or support. I have to accept that they only contact me when they really need me. People talk about Chronos, the duration, and Kairos, the opportune moment. While Chronos is what counts most with small children, Kairos is what counts with young people.
Was it never an issue to also provide answers to the questions?
Jenni: We considered that , but quickly dismissed it, because each couple should write their own story with their answers.
Lannen: For most questions, a general answer is simply not possible. For example: «Why do you love me?» Fortunately, there are a thousand answers to that question.
It cannot be emphasised enough that maintaining a relationship requires a lot of work. It takes practice and perseverance.
Lannen: Exactly, and what is the work? The work is taking time for each other. And communicating.
