Anger, fear and sadness have no switch-off button

Many adults go to therapy to regain access to their feelings. They need to learn to be angry again and to stand up for themselves instead of reacting with psychosomatic complaints. To allow themselves to grieve instead of feeling empty and numb. To recognise, express and face their fears instead of avoiding everything that is fraught with insecurity in a diffuse feeling of permanent worry.

Adults who have learnt as children to allow, perceive, name and categorise feelings have a much easier time in life than people who have learnt to suppress their feelings, constantly distract themselves or who are ashamed of them.

The more often we signal to each other that certain feelings have no place, the more alienated we become from each other.

In order for children to learn this, they need adults who are capable of empathy. If you're reading this column, you're probably one of those mums and dads who find it natural to engage with children and make an effort to understand them. But we all sometimes find it hard to recognise our children's feelings - sometimes just when they need it most.

I want you to be happy!

Unfortunately, we still refer to anger, fear and sadness as negative feelings. No wonder we would prefer to spare them from the people we love. In doing so, we sometimes behave tactlessly: someone has died and the bereaved are forced to swallow their grief and smile when they hear phrases such as «Cheer up!», «You have to focus on the positive» or «He had a long and beautiful life».

We won't be happy if we block out part of our world of experience. Phrases such as «You don't need to be sad about that», «You don't need to get angry! Now come back down!» or «That doesn't have to scare you» merely block the expression of an emotion. They do not undo what a child is feeling. But they do lead the child into loneliness.

Anyone who learnt to deal with feelings as a child instead of suppressing them will have a much easier time in life.

The more often we signal to each other that certain feelings have no place, the more alienated we become from each other. As parents, we can tell ourselves that our children have a right to all their feelings - even the unpleasant ones.

And we can realise that happiness stems above all from the fact that we have people at our side in difficult moments who are willing to engage with us and stand by us. When children learn that they are welcome and accepted even when they have difficult feelings, they become better and better at dealing with fear, anger and sadness.

I don't want to feel guilty

Even parents who are usually very empathetic are sometimes unable to cope with their child's feelings if they make them feel guilty. Perhaps the divorce was the right decision for the parents and they have many good reasons for taking this step.

The child will still suffer. It is probably sad that the parents are no longer together, perhaps it is afraid that it will also be abandoned, or is angry that its parents have not managed to resolve their conflicts.

Or the parents have found good reasons to work more and have their child looked after externally more often. The child may still be sad because it misses its parents, angry because it feels deported, tired and exhausted because it has too few opportunities to retreat at lunchtime and in extracurricular care.

It is precisely in situations like this that parents often perceive their children's feelings as a criticism of their lifestyle. To ward off feelings of guilt, they justify their decision to the child: «We were only arguing anyway. It's better for everyone this way.» Or: «We'll make time for it at the weekend and do something nice.»

Distinguishing between your own feelings and those of others

But they are signalling to the child: Your feelings are a burden for us. They are not appropriate and we expect you to feel differently. Children sometimes react very sensitively to these signals. They stop confiding their feelings to their parents. They may withdraw, become aggressive or seek comfort and understanding from friends or other adults.

The more often we signal to each other that certain feelings have no place, the more alienated we become from each other.

In such situations, it is important that we as parents distinguish between the child's feelings and our reasons for our actions. For example, we can make it clear to ourselves: It was right to separate - and our child is allowed to feel sad, insecure and angry about it.

When we stop fighting the child's feelings and instead accept what they feel, closeness arises again. This doesn't solve all problems, but it prevents the child from feeling alone with their worries. Sometimes a simple sentence is enough: «I know you're having a hard time.»

Some parents are pretty good problem solvers. They find an answer to almost everything, a solution to almost every problem in their lives. Sometimes, however, this is precisely why they are quite helpless when it comes to simply putting up with something together.

I don't know what to do

Sentences like «There's no point in talking about it - we can't change it anyway» or «Unfortunately, I don't know a solution to that either» are quickly heard.

It can help us and our children if we take the pressure off ourselves to find an immediate solution for everything. Sometimes it already helps us if someone feels helpless with us or tells us: I don't know what I can do for you right now, but I'm here.