Aggression in the family

In the past, the explanation for individual problems was sought exclusively within the individual - in childhood experiences, chemical reactions in the brain or other internal processes.

However, even the experts among us are now focussing their attention on relationships within the family. This alone is not progress, as long as we do not abandon the traditional view that something is wrong or out of order when we are not doing well. Because that would mean seeing the family as the root of all evil, as the place where all our problems originate - an idea that is as useless as it is «anti-family».

Not a defect, but a fault

The experience of the last forty years teaches us that nothing is "wrong" when it comes to school problems, depression or alcoholism, but that something is missing. This deficiency as an element of family interaction has simply been overlooked or not considered necessary to rectify. The problems are based on an unfulfilled desire to be of value to one another.

This elementary need triggers two things in particular: firstly, a strong urge to co-operate and secondly, a pronounced sense of loyalty. Co-operation must take place at eye level. This was also made clear to us by the women's movement, which rebelled against the often neurotic forms of female co-operation: I do what you ask me to do because you ask me to do it, not because I want to do it myself. The art of co-operation consists precisely in preserving one's individuality and autonomy, in other words, our personal integrity.

Children show maximum loyalty to their parents. This is why conflicts within the family often do not occur at home.

Loyalty is particularly pronounced in children. Children show maximum loyalty to their parents. This is why conflicts within the family often do not arise at home, but at school or in other childcare facilities.

Teachers who report problems that parents are completely unaware of are often met with great scepticism. However, they usually bring up important issues that the parents are unaware of because the children are simply too loyal to deal with their conflicts within their own four walls. This is particularly true for families whose culture of conflict and disagreement is not very well developed.

Most of us know what it means to feel valuable to others through our relationship with our children, as it is of central importance for us to feel like good parents. However, our need to see ourselves as good partners and friends is no less pronounced.

Signals for faults

But we haven't necessarily learnt how we have to behave so that others perceive us as valuable. Sometimes something gets in our way that prevents us from behaving in a valuable way. This happens even in almost ideal family relationships. Sometimes these disruptions come from outside - for example through unemployment or difficult living conditions in general - and put a strain on families without their doing anything.

Such disturbances trigger symptoms or signals. We are familiar with the most obvious symptoms such as refusal to eat, delinquency or infidelity, but we should realise that family members can send out far less dramatic signals, which often start much earlier. It starts with mild irritability, which can give rise to all the feelings we commonly label as aggression: Irritation, frustration, anger, rage and even fiery hatred.

The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is resignation.

In psychological terms, these are not, as many believe, negative or destructive feelings. They are all part of love in the family, not its opposite. The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is resignation.

Signals do not always emerge in their pure form. Children between the ages of four and six up to puberty often react in the morning with tiredness, loss of appetite and imbalance, especially if they are only children. Siblings, on the other hand, often "prefer" to argue or hit each other.

Suppressed and pure emotions

Adults also often express their initial irritation indirectly. For example, many women have learnt that it is not very feminine to give free rein to their anger. So they show themselves hurt and depressed. Men who suppress their true feelings often become grumpy, taciturn and disgruntled.

Nevertheless, our emotions are most often expressed in their pure form. All families are familiar with phases of general irritability. People quickly clash, argue for seemingly no reason and have the same conflicts over and over again.

If the relationship between parents and children is dominated by aggressive feelings, you should realise that 99.9 percent of parents love their children more than anything in the world. And there are no children who do not love their parents more than anything. Of course, there are families in which this is difficult to recognise because everyone behaves as if they can't stand each other. This is often a sign that their need to feel valuable to others is not being met, which is a frustrating experience.