7 tips on how to praise your child correctly
1. praise achievements, not qualities
Well-meaning phrases such as «You're a very talented painter» or «How clever you are!» can easily demotivate a child. The reason: they get the impression that characteristics such as artistic talent or intelligence are fixed or unchangeable. Children fear that they will not be able to confirm the positive image of themselves. As a result, they prefer to concentrate on tasks that they have already mastered in the past. It is better to recognise specific actions and emphasise achievements that the child can change through effort - like this: «You coloured the flower petals really nicely» or «You really tried hard at that maths problem».
2. dose your praise
The more often you praise a child, the better? Wrong! As soon as words of praise become a constant sprinkling, the little ones no longer notice them. So try to use praise sparingly and selectively and formulate it in as varied a way as possible. This will make the child realise that you have really paid attention to their performance.
3. always praise honestly and realistically
Children have sensitive sensors for exaggerated or obviously manipulative recognition and wonder what adults are trying to achieve: praise such as «Wow! That's an incredibly beautiful tree you've painted» could be meant as a consolation because the grown-ups feel sorry for a child's lack of talent. Statements such as «Great, how you helped me clear out the dishwasher today» could mean that the adults expect this kind of effort more often from now on. In this way, praise leads to insecurity and defiance in children. You should therefore only recognise the child's achievements that they themselves consider praiseworthy.
Don't compare your children with each other! It's better to emphasise the skills of the individual.
4. praise according to age
Children of primary school age react differently to praise and criticism than teenagers or adults, according to a 2008 study by Leiden University in the Netherlands. Scientists asked 50 test subjects of different ages to assess whether rows of symbols were sorted by shape or colour. After each answer, the participants were told whether they were right or wrong. Children between the ages of eight and nine learnt the least from negative feedback. However, their performance improved after words of praise. Older children aged 11 to 13 benefited from all types of feedback, while the adults were obviously very interested in eradicating their mistakes - they were the ones most incentivised by criticism.
5. praise confident children differently to insecure ones
Strong personalities are better able to accept high praise than children with low self-esteem. This was discovered by scientists in Utrecht. They had a fictitious artist evaluate the works of 240 participants in a painting course aged between eight and twelve. The supposed expert praised the children either in a normal tone of voice («You have painted a beautiful picture») or enthusiastically («You have painted an incredibly beautiful picture»). The researchers also recorded the self-confidence of the young artists. It was found that confident children tended to paint new and more difficult pictures after a euphoric judgement than insecure children. The latter preferred to avoid further challenges after receiving great praise.
6. avoid comparative praise
«Wow, you can jump much higher on the trampoline than your big brother.» Instead of boosting self-confidence, this praise encourages competition between two children. The good trampolinist will continue to try to outdo his brother in the future - after all, he will be rewarded with recognition. And the older child feels pressurised by the younger one's ambition. Comparative praise makes both children bad losers. Better: emphasise the skills of the individual!
7. praise the solution, not just the result
The tall Lego house suddenly collapses, the maths test is only mediocre, or your sports team is beaten in the decisive game after all: such failures are discouraging. Therefore, always emphasise the effort and perseverance that the child has put in - for example, the many hours of building, learning or training: «You really made an effort. That's great.» Then even disappointed children start the journey to their goal with renewed courage.
