7 tips for a non-violent upbringing

1. reduce everyday stress

Stress is one of the most common triggers for violence in parenting. According to Child Protection Switzerland, a more conscious approach is one of the most effective ways to counteract violence. Some stress factors, such as illness or work-related problems, are unpredictable and difficult to influence. Others can: time pressure and mental load can be reduced by rethinking your priorities and clearing out your to-do list: What is really necessary, what can be left undone?

Child Protection Switzerland also recommends «actively meeting» the demands of everyday life. This means structuring the tasks that need to be done in a more targeted way - and then limiting yourself to what needs to be done on any given day. Anyone who works through unfinished tasks at the drop of a hat runs the risk of being overwhelmed. Actively countering stressors also means investing in social networks and looking for support, be it professional or an arrangement between neighbours.

2. question educational goals

Our parenting goals shape the way we interact with our children. «They form ideal norms for children's behaviour and thus the basis for comparison on the basis of which parents judge behaviour as disruptive,» says family researcher Dominik Schöbi from the University of Fribourg. «Such norms can increase parental stress at critical moments and favour violence, because parents may feel more quickly prompted or even obliged to «crack down»,» says Schöbi.

As part of the «Study on the punishment behaviour of parents in Switzerland», Schöbi and his team were able to show that parents who place a strong emphasis on behavioural control and consider diligence, orderliness and adaptability to be the most important educational goals demonstrably punish their children physically more often than those whose primary educational goals are to promote the child's self-confidence and development. «This correlation is also evident with regard to psychological violence,» says Schöbi.

Parents should recognise their own boundaries and stand up for them to their child.

Annette Cina

Schöbi knows that more openly formulated and long-term educational goals, such as promoting the child's independence, give parents more room for manoeuvre, which has a relieving effect in crisis situations, and also makes more sense from a developmental psychology perspective.

3. maintain your own boundaries

Encouraging a child's development does not mean putting their wishes above your own needs, says Annette Cina, psychologist and family counsellor. «It's important that parents recognise their personal boundaries and stand up for them with their child,» she says. «If you constantly overstep your boundaries to avoid resistance from children, you run the risk of exploding at some point - in one way or another.»

4 Make yourself smart

According to family researcher Schöbi, whether parents consider their child's behaviour to be disruptive and measures against it to be necessary depends not only on their parenting goals, but also on how well informed they are about child development: «Knowing more about how much «problem behaviour» is normal at what age helps to meet the child with more realistic expectations, which can defuse conflicts and prevent violence.»

5 Do not overestimate your own role

Cina knows that three main factors have a decisive influence on a child's development - «one of them is the parental home, in addition to personal disposition and environmental influences». «Only» one of them, as Cina emphasises: «This means that as a mother or father, I can 't control everything. This is not proof of my inability, it is in the nature of things.» This realisation is helpful - especially when it comes to facing turbulent moments with more calm.

Spatial separation can prevent a short circuit that you regret afterwards.

Markus Wopmann

6. take a time-out

Sometimes all good intentions are useless and emotions run high. What helps? «The tip is banal, but effective,» says Markus Wopmann, retired head paediatrician at Baden Cantonal Hospital, who headed the child protection group there for 30 years. «Parents should then remove themselves from the conflict zone and communicate this to the child: I need a moment to calm down.» Wopmann knows that physical separation can prevent a short circuit that parents regret afterwards.

7. also see the good

In challenging times with children, says family counsellor Cina, parents tend to focus primarily on points of contention: the bad grades, the untidy room and so on. She advises them to take a moment to realise what they appreciate about their child and see as their strengths. «In moments like these, it becomes clear that many things work well,» says Annette Cina. «This realisation exposes the fallacy that «everything» is going wrong, which has a lot of destructive potential in dealing with the child.»