Why we educate without punishment - families tell their stories

Supporting children in their development and enforcing clear rules in the event of conflicts is also possible without punishment. But: parenting without punishment - how can this work? Two mothers and a daughter tell us how they experience it.

Corinna Nüesch: «I wanted to find out why I was often in a bad mood and unhappy»

Three years ago, Corinna Nüesch, 39, and her husband Daniel, 45, attended a parenting course on non-violent communication according to Marshall B. Rosenberg. Tensions and friction had repeatedly arisen in the family of five. «My husband and I, as well as our three children, are quite stubborn and pig-headed,» says Corinna Nüesch self-critically.

Thorin, 14, had already sought dialogue with his mother as a small child. «He was very inquisitive and wouldn't be fobbed off with simple explanations,» his mother recalls. When Corinna Nüesch once demanded that he tidy his room, he threatened to run away from home. And so it came to pass: the little boy packed up his toothbrush and cuddle cloth, put on his shoes and jacket and ran out of the flat. The parents followed him so that nothing could happen to the boy.

On the non-violent communication course, Corinna and her husband realised that some things are easier in theory than in everyday life. It took a lot of practice before they were increasingly able to put the central attitude of non-violent communication into practice: Connectedness is created by trying to listen not only to what is said, but also to what is meant.

Above all, Corinna realised that it was a great challenge for her to recognise and communicate her own needs as a mother. Finding out why she was in a bad mood or unhappy, for example, and what she needed to feel better again was a lengthy process for her.

If you know your needs, you can also express your wishes much better.

Today, she knows that she is particularly «out of balance» when her central need for autonomy is violated or she is not trusted enough. She can now express this and, above all, say what she wants and needs. The change in behaviour in the family has led to new insights: To always see a «yes» - but to something else - in the «no». It was now increasingly important to clarify what people meant «yes» to when they said «no». If you don't want something, you want something else. And if you know your needs, you can express your wishes much better.

Corinna and Daniel have been living separately for a year, but are on friendly terms. The whole family eats together every Sunday evening. Non-violent communication has helped her and Daniel to deal with their conflict as a couple without burdening the children. Corinna Nüesch says that this is because understanding for each other has been promoted. And 10-year-old Smetine sometimes reminds her parents to talk to each other in «giraffe language».

Mia Vökler: «Non-violent parenting means communicating with each other without fear»

21-year-old Mia is studying political science and psychology in Leipzig. She chose this combination of subjects because of her interest in interpersonal processes and topics such as conflict resolution and intercultural understanding. Mia always felt that her parents - both psychologists with a humanistic background - took her seriously. She was able to talk to them, even and especially when she didn't feel understood. As a result, she developed a good sense of empathy for herself and others at an early age and was able to resolve the odd conflict situation on the playground. Due to her non-judgemental nature, she was able to approach others openly and was a very communicative child.

«I remember very well,» says Mia, «that I was very sensitive when someone was misunderstood or shamed. I wasn't afraid of authority figures, so I dared to criticise teachers and seek a conversation with them when fellow pupils were treated unfairly.» When Mia comes across people who perhaps don't want to talk about their feelings, she respects that too: «After all, there's also a need behind it.» She now lives in a large shared flat in Leipzig. «You realise time and again how different needs can be.»

A non-violent upbringing does not mean having no conflicts with parents.

How did she experience the separation process from her parents? «It was actually a special task to look at my mum and dad in the light of their less than perfect sides,» says Mia.

She has realised that there are things she wants to do differently and in her own way - «despite the deep bond I always felt with my parents. But I can talk openly with them about it. A non-violent upbringing doesn't mean having no conflicts with your parents, but that you can communicate with each other without fear.» Alongside her studies, Mia is involved with other students in a weekly playgroup for children from families who have had to flee their homes. This get-together is a great enrichment and joy for everyone, says Mia.

Eva Schmid: «I often shouted at my son early in the morning»

It all started when Aaron no longer wanted to go to kindergarten. The then five-year-old showed various fears and developed into a child who was increasingly unhappy. In kindergarten, Aaron withdrew, and this intensified when he started Year 1. Eva Schmid, 46, had her son psychologically assessed by Nadine Zimet. The examination revealed that Aaron is a highly gifted and highly sensitive boy - but with an asynchronous giftedness profile. In his case, this means that he performs very well in maths, but needs more support with reading and writing than other children.

Eva Schmid had always sensed that her child was not well.

At school, Aaron was expected above all to conform. This was impossible for the highly sensitive boy, who was bored with maths subjects and struggled unsuccessfully with handwriting. He felt misunderstood, different from the others, often didn't want to get up in the morning and was listless.

Eva Schmid had always sensed that her child was not doing well. Nevertheless, she had tried for many years to make Aaron «streamlined». She wanted to discipline him and force him to adapt to school. Until the boy's despair was so great that he expressed suicidal thoughts to his mother. Eva Schmid now knew that things could no longer go on like this and sought support.

Eva realised: Punishment doesn't help

In a course on non-violent communication lasting several months, she learnt how to better perceive her own needs and those of her children. She realised that she was often not responding to her children due to exhaustion and excessive demands and was therefore scolding and shouting. She also realised that she was not reaching her children with threats and punishments. Eva Schmid met other parents who had also reached their limits with their previous parenting style. Together with them, the 46-year-old found out how she could recognise the needs behind her children's behaviour and thus better meet them.

We really talked to each other and listened to each other - and there was a lot less shouting at home.

«Whereas my mum used to shout at me in the morning in her desperation, telling me to get up, trying to drag me out of bed, she now understood that all this was only making the situation worse,» says 17-year-old Aaron today. His mum started talking to him much more sensitively, but also made her own limits known.

On this basis, the relationship of trust between him and his mother was gradually able to grow again. And as the son talks, it becomes clear how much the mother is still touched by the positive changes after all these years.

The now 14-year-old brother also fondly remembers how the relationship between him and his mother became noticeably different: «We really talked to each other and listened to each other - and there was much less shouting at home.»

Rico, 24, the eldest son, no longer lives with his mother. It pains Eva Schmid that she was unable to interact and communicate with him in this way during his childhood. When asked whether she still «freaks out» or loses her nerve from time to time, Eva Schmid says calmly: «That still happens today. But then I know what the reasons are and I can talk about it and apologise once in a while.»