Why do boys so rarely talk about sexual violence?

What concerns do young people turn to the sexual education counselling centre «Lust und Frust» with?

Lilo Gander: Girls mainly come to us when they are unsure whether they could be pregnant. They've had petting and haven't menstruated since, or they come for the morning-after pill. Some are already unplanned pregnant and don't know what to do next. We tell them what their rights are and what options are available if they want to carry the pregnancy to term or terminate it. Email counselling usually focuses on relationship issues and questions about love and sexuality.

At schools, we often work with boys and girls separately.

Harry Tritschler : When boys come to the counselling centre, they have questions about their own bodies, about their development during puberty, such as whether everything is okay with their penis. In general, far fewer boys come to us for help than girls.

Why?

Tritschler: Boys are still not being educated to go to a counselling centre when it comes to their physical and sexual health.

Gander : A boy is still told: be strong, pull yourself together, whereas girls are more likely to learn to get help.

Do you experience this when you offer sex education in schools?

Tritschler: It's important to separate the boys and girls for certain sequences and work with them separately. Then they can also ask their questions among themselves. The inhibition threshold is lower than if they were to visit a counselling centre.
Gander: I've noticed that boys often only seek help at our counselling centre later, when their puberty is almost over. At the age of 18 or 19, they obviously find it easier to talk about themselves and their problems.
Tritschler: Yes, they are then better able to break through the social guidelines for male gender roles and recognise the individual benefits that counselling can bring.

Do boys feel under pressure to be the strong one?

Tritschler: Many are still socialised in such a way that they shouldn't pay too much attention to their feelings and pain. However, if you talk to boys and young men in more depth during counselling, it often becomes clear that they feel the need to open up and be themselves. They then tell us that they can also «switch off» - for example when it comes to sexuality - even though the image still exists that men have to feel like having sex at all times. The individual's state of mind therefore often does not correspond to this role stereotype.

Do young people who have experienced sexual violence in their relationship also go to the counselling centre?

Gander: Girls often don't come to us directly with this concern, but rather ostensibly with another problem. It is only on closer enquiry that it emerges that the girl is experiencing sexual assault in her relationship.
Tritschler: Experts still assume that incidents of sexual assault among children take place within the family circle. Adolescents who expand their experimental radius and therefore have more contact with people outside the home experience potentially risky situations with peers or older strangers.
Is sexual violence in relationships also an issue for boys?

Tritschler: It's not necessarily exclusively about sexual violence. But when it comes to transgressions of boundaries, I see boys suffering because their girlfriend is verbally abusive and abusive, she controls his mobile phone, or it's about sexting and bullying that targets the body and sexual integrity.
Gander: It is important to take this suffering seriously - the boys affected are often very grateful for this.

Is sexual violence among young people more likely to occur if the relationship is also characterised by other transgressions?

Tritschler: I need to expand a little on that. If young children grow up in such a way that their boundaries are respected, they are more likely to recognise and accept their own boundaries and those of others in their relationships later on. It is therefore likely that sexual assault happens more often in relationships that are characterised by boundary violations.

Children and young people should learn to express unpleasant feelings.

Gander: In counselling, I often see that girls who experience sexual violence have already experienced assault at an earlier age.
Tritschler: It is therefore also very important in sex education that both girls and boys learn to talk about their feelings and express their boundaries.
Gander: Sex education in the family and later sex education at school should be continuously adapted to the developmental stage of children and young people.

How?

Gander: It's about recognising your own «gut feeling», in the sense of: When do I no longer feel well? And then being able to express this. To say when something makes you uncomfortable. For example: A teenager told me that she didn't want to try petting with her boyfriend yet. When I asked her if her boyfriend knew, she replied that she had pushed his hand away when he tried to touch her private parts. However, she hadn't told him anything. In counselling, I then looked with her at how she could tell her boyfriend that she didn't want to have sex yet. Learning to formulate your own feelings and needs is very important.
Tritschler: I also see this difficulty with many boys: They are often barely able to express where their boundaries are, what they don't want.

Talking about feelings with children and young people is crucial.

Tritschler: Definitely. I have another example: I sometimes ask boys who are occasionally slapped by their girlfriend what it's like for them. The answer is often that you shouldn't take it so seriously. And only when I ask more detailed questions do the boys concerned say that their friend's behaviour actually hurt them a lot. This again has to do with the fact that boys are still taught not to pay so much attention to feelings and emotions.

Back to sexual violence among young people: Time and again, reports of «gang rapes» cause a stir.

Gander: Fortunately, it is rare for several young offenders to rape a girl. However, such an incident is then very high profile in the media. This can have the advantage of sensitising girls and creating an awareness of certain dangers. When we talk to schoolgirls about this, we also discuss safety: How do girls get home after going out in the evening? Would it make sense for them to be picked up? How can they organise themselves so that they don't have to walk home alone?

How does it happen that a group of boys rape a girl?

Gander: Group dynamics certainly play a role here. One person in the group enjoys a high reputation and therefore has a position of power, and the others go along because they don't oppose the «leader».
Tritschler: I take a slightly different view. I had a case in counselling where a girl was sexually assaulted by three boys in the toilet. The situation had got totally out of hand. The girl had previously gone to the toilet with each of the three boys individually. They had undressed and performed sexual acts. This was obviously intentional on both sides. It was not a question of the three boys wanting to exercise their power over the girl. In the end, it was very difficult to judge who initiated what, when and how, or why it didn't stop in time.

Young people today often have very fixed ideas about what sex should be like.

Gander: In my counselling work with girls, I always look at the situations in which sexuality is an appealing game, when it is too much and the boundary is crossed and how they can make this known.
Tritschler: Ultimately, both sexes are concerned with what constitutes responsible behaviour towards themselves and others.

What role does pornography play in this context?

Tritschler: Access to pornography has become very easy today. And I believe this has also led to a decrease in the mystification of sexuality. Young people often have very fixed images in their heads of what sex should be like. These images shape them and leave their mark, even if they know that the scenes in porn are not «real» but are performed by actors.

Gander: A teenager once came to me for counselling because she had been watching porn with her boyfriend. He then wanted to «act out» the scenes with her. Although the girl agreed, she ultimately found it repulsive. It was then a question of how she could tell her boyfriend that she didn't want to try any more poses from the porn.

How important are the fixed images you are talking about and outward appearances in general for young people today? For example, in relation to their own appearance?

Gander: I see a lot of girls who are very worried about their appearance. They don't feel pretty, slim or sexy enough.
Tritschler: This has changed enormously in recent years. Boys are also under a lot of pressure to conform to an ideal image, for example to have a «six-pack». It's like an obsession with these outward appearances.

How do you deal with this in your counselling work?

Tritschler: I talk to the young people about the changes that have taken place over the last few decades, using the example of intimate shaving for boys. Very few people realise that «men» didn't shave many parts of their bodies back then. So I try to broaden the field of vision.
Gander: I also ask girls: imagine you fall in love with a boy and then realise that he doesn't have a «six-pack» or isn't shaved in his private parts. What would that mean for you?