When the son wants to move in with his father

The atmosphere is different than usual. We're sitting in the living room, it's one of those Sunday evenings when my three sons come home from spending the weekend with their father. My five-year-old daughter is fooling around, but nobody is laughing. Finally, one of the 17-year-old twins dares to say the words that he knows will hit me hard. «I want to move in with daddy!». For me, this moment feels like a shock.

The back story is quickly told: My ex-husband and his second wife are separating and he is now looking for a flat - alone. He asks his sons if anyone would like to move in with him. One of them spontaneously decides to do so. Also, as he explains to me, «because you have a family and Dad would otherwise be all alone».

Just a few weeks later, he leaves the house where my husband and I live with our sons and our daughter. Until then, there had never been any question of one of the children moving out. I see the move as something negative. I blame myself instead of putting myself in my son's shoes. I think about what I've done wrong and whether my ex-husband is perhaps just trying to offend me.

I question my role as a mother. I remember intimate conversations and walks with my son, who I suddenly thought was lost. From my point of view, I did everything I could to be a «good mum» to him. Why does he now want to live with his father rather than with me? The two brothers, including the other twin, react with understanding and trust in the close bond, reinforced by the shared sports and circle of friends.

Empathy instead of pity

I don't take it so lightly. Over the next few days, I go through everyday life as if in a trance, feeling sorry for myself and feeling like I've suffered a defeat. When I spontaneously tell a colleague about my worries, he looks at me with amusement. Finally, he says: «There's one thing I don't understand: why don't all three boys move in with their father? That would have been my dream at that age.»

There could hardly be a cooler offer, he explains to me: «Imagine: the whole day off, no supervision and no mum constantly asking when you're finally going to tidy your room and do your homework ». He laughs and I can't shake the feeling that he envies my son's freedom.

We still have familiar conversations, even if we no longer have a daily routine together.

In the evening, I finally get through to my best friend, who tells me over the phone, not so much gently as honestly, that I should actually be happy because all the children have lived with me for the past twelve years. «Now it's their father's turn too, don't you think?»

Both conversations leave me feeling thoughtful and confused at the same time. The next morning, I realise what my colleague and my friend were trying to tell me: «Put yourself in other people's shoes and stop feeling sorry for yourself.» To this day, I am grateful to both of them for opening my eyes.

My son has been living with his father for two years now, just a few kilometres away from us. He is very often off duty. No-one makes him sandwiches for lunch any more and he has to do his own laundry. He has learnt to cook really well and regularly invites me to his flat for dinner. We still have familiar conversations, even though we no longer have a daily routine together. We have the privilege of being able to meet up together in peace and quiet, which was rarely the case before in a house with four children. My son comes over whenever he feels like it and goes on holiday with us.

My fears of losing the relationship of mutual trust or no longer having time for each other were not confirmed. On the contrary: physical distance is no indicator of interpersonal relationships, I realised once again. It's worth having trust in the other person and just letting things run their course. At some point, the children will leave home, which is rarely easy for parents.

Stable binding

There is a reason for the «empty nest syndrome», which can lead to insomnia, sadness, listlessness and severe depression. The sudden and unexpected departure of my child presented me with a challenge. However, it did not shake the close bond I had formed with my son over many years. This is also because I respect his decision and don't rekindle old conflicts with his father.

Fortunately, I was only briefly tempted to prioritise my own dreams over my son's. The brothers had more confidence in the situation right from the start and were probably better able to understand the reasons behind it. The relationship between the siblings is still familiar and has a firm foundation. For the twins, the new living situation also means greater autonomy and independence. My daughter, who is now seven, regularly reminds her older brother that he moved out «just like that». She still misses his presence, as she bluntly expresses in her childlike, direct manner.