When children don't make friends
A mum asks: We are a family of four and live in the countryside. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we have two wonderful children. Our son Nicolas is 14 and our daughter Luisa is 11. Unfortunately, our children have very few friends. Nicolas is in the upper school.
He rarely goes out with colleagues after school. My husband and I always invite friends with children of the same age to our house, for example for an evening at the cinema or for ice cream, but the initiative always comes from us, never from our son. Luisa isn't very sociable either. She's a bit shy and avoids contact with her classmates.
It is important to have a good friend - but it is not necessary,
to have many friends.
During the break, she much prefers to be with boys. She used to have a good schoolmate, but now he would rather hang out with his boys than with Luisa. Like Nicolas, Luisa has no problems at school. Many children of the same age have friends and spend their free time together, organising sleepover parties or going minigolfing.
Not ours. That makes me sad. I get the impression that our children are on the sidelines while other children are enjoying their social lives. Sometimes I wonder whether we as parents have done something wrong. I wish so much that our children were better integrated socially. I think this is very important for their development. Can you give me tips on how I can support my children in making friends?
Jesper Juul answers
I will try to be brief. Child friendships are political correctness initiatives. Their naivety is touching, but also frightening. Let me start with this: They haven't done anything «wrong». The only thing I can recognise is that you are trying to protect your children from pain and grief. Of course it is important for children to have friends, or rather: a best friend.
It is not absolutely necessary to have several or many friends, even if this is often seen as the case. Today's organisational and social circumstances have reduced the opportunity for children to make friends.
There are many attempts to compensate for this lack of freedom. For example, parents in the USA try to bring their children together with other children on so-called play dates. After all, having friends has become a «must» - as an expression of social prestige. However, the relationships that develop between children here are hardly what we would consider to be friendships.
The opportunities to make friends have become smaller today.
Genuine friendships, which arise by chance and develop at their own pace, are similar to love relationships. They contain joy and expectation as well as anger, disappointment, loss or pain. Experiencing these feelings is important - it gives children and young people the chance to develop skills and competences for the rest of their lives. When a child loses a friend, they react with sadness and self-reproach.
It will feel lonely. If you and your husband maintain a loving and trusting relationship with your children, you can talk about these feelings and experiences. You can't «cure» your children, but your son and daughter will be less alone with their feelings. No mother or father can take over the pain on behalf of their child.
Children live with their own pain - parents have to learn to endure this. That's life - or at least it is before we start abusing alcohol, drugs, psychotropic drugs, sleeping pills and other adrenaline and hormone releasing activities to mask loneliness, even if only for a short time.
But what can you as parents do instead? Well, you can go on an outing with your children and talk to them about your own experiences and the emotions associated with them. Your son and daughter are well on their way to stepping out of childhood and into their own individual lives. The only thing you can do is offer your company, a cup of cocoa and a shoulder to lean on. Your children will do the rest themselves - but not alone!
In collaboration with familylab.ch
