When and how do I talk to my child about sex?
For babies and toddlers
«Many parents talk to their babies during personal hygiene: «We wash the little feet and legs» - and we don't talk about the genitals,» says sex educator Annelies Steiner from the Swiss Sexual Health Foundation. «This conveys the idea that there is a nameless part of the body.» She also advises naming the genitals. «This is your vulva, this is your penis.» Or you can choose the terms commonly used in the family.
When young children ask where they come from, you can explain the specific function of the sexual organs to them, adds sex education lecturer Lukas Geiser: «If you tell them this in words they understand, they are not overwhelmed. They are overwhelmed if you only give vague explanations and they have to make up their own ideas.»
And what if the child doesn't ask any questions? Then educational books are a good way to start a conversation. «Why do you think the two of them are cuddling in the picture?» And then explain: «People who like each other sometimes want to touch each other because it triggers nice feelings.» If the child turns the page and moves on to another topic, this is a signal that the answer is sufficient. If they ask further questions, the topic can be explored in more depth.
Conclusion: there is no such thing as sexualisation too early. «On the contrary,» says Annelies Steiner. «It has been shown that young people who were educated at an early age deal with their sexuality more responsibly.»
At primary school age
Even at this age, children ask a lot of questions that parents should answer honestly. «But that doesn't mean we have to discuss sexual practices with eight-year-olds,» says Lukas Geiser.
Above all, mothers and fathers should not ignore the sexual feelings that children have from birth. «There are children who are already passionately in love in kindergarten,» says Geiser. The child should know that such feelings are okay - but also that you have to respect the (physical) boundaries of other children. The same applies here: if the child doesn't ask, you can try to talk to them. «It's nice that you like your friend so much. You can also be in your room and cuddle. It's just very important that you both want this and that you can say at any time if you no longer like it.»
Sex education books are also suitable for primary school children. «They make it possible to discuss the topic in more general terms,» says Annelies Steiner. The child can also look at the book on their own if they prefer. «The important thing is to also signal a willingness to talk,» says Steiner.
You overwhelm children if you only give them vague explanations in response to specific questions.
Important: The information must precede the child's development, otherwise it will suddenly be surprised, for example by the menstrual period. Parents need to inform themselves: When do girls get their period? At what age do boys have their first ejaculation? When do they have their first kiss? And then it should be noted that there are boys and girls who are earlier than average.
Now is the time to get to grips with the internet. Simply installing filters so that your child doesn't come across porn sites on their first mobile phone will hardly be enough - especially as you can't control all the smartphones around them. «It seems much more important to me to talk to the child about the fact that they might come across such content and what they should do if they are sent videos, for example,» says Annelies Steiner. Parents also need to be informed, including about the legal situation.
During puberty
Parents should use everyday situations to talk about relevant topics. «A good way to signal a willingness to talk is to discuss current topics, for example the coming out of a famous person, the pros and cons of hormonal contraception, ideals of beauty or gender roles in a TV programme,» says Annelies Steiner.
Then you can tell the child straight away that they can always come to their parents with any questions or topics they want to discuss. Steiner: «At the same time, however, you have to accept that your child no longer wants to discuss everything with you.»
Incidentally, fathers are also allowed to take part in such conversations - according to surveys and experience reports, the vast majority of them stay out of the topic almost completely. «Uncertainty does no harm at all,» says sex educator Lukas Geiser. «Boys in particular can also experience their fathers in a situation of uncertainty. This shows that this is also part of masculinity.»
Good setting, positive message
But how do you start a conversation with your teenager? «Saying: «Let's sit down now and you ask me your questions» is unlikely to work,» emphasises Lukas Geiser. But saying: «You now have a boyfriend or girlfriend and I want to give you a few things for your life» is perfectly fine. You can also expect the child to listen for a while if they show a defensive attitude. «If they block it out, it doesn't mean they don't realise what you're saying.»
The US bestselling author Peggy Orenstein («Girls & Sex») advises having such conversations on a walk or in the car. «That way you don't have to look each other in the eye. But this only works if you have a reasonably good bond with the child,» says Orenstein. Another trick to get the conversation going: «Look for interesting articles or podcasts on the topic and ask questions: How do you see it? What's it like at your school?» Whether you listen to the podcasts together or give them to your child and talk about them later is up to you. The most important thing is the message: «Sex is great. Sexual curiosity is natural.» As parents, you don't have to have an answer to every question or know everything in detail. Books or websites, viewed individually or together, can also be helpful here.
Pornography
Peggy Orenstein advises parents to take a look at pornographic content on the internet. This should be done when children start to use the internet independently - usually around the age of ten. Because only those who know what it's about are credible.
Then you can tell the child: «There are lots of pictures and films on the internet and you may see something that you don't like.» Unlike adults, children and young people don't ask themselves «What does this do to me?» when consuming such content, but «What am I seeing here?», explains sex educator Geiser. It's about providing positive material about sex, says Orenstein, and then saying: «And porn is something else.»
It is also important to talk to girls about pornographic content and ask them what they think and feel about it. And to tell them: «You are allowed to feel pleasure when you see something like that. But don't let them put pressure on you to watch porn if you don't want to.»
