My daughter's relationship with her best friend is quite toxic, writes one mother. There is regular physical violence. The problem: the friend is very popular in class. Find out what our team of experts has to say.
One question - three opinions
My daughter, 8, has quite a toxic relationship with her best friend. They argue a lot and the arguments often become physical. It's not unusual for my daughter to come home crying and say that her friend has hit her. I advise her to fight back or rather meet up with other children. Her response: «If I do that, I'll be socially exhausted - Laura is really popular in class.» How can I help my daughter?
Edna, 42, Solothurn
This is what our team of experts says:
In situations like these, you would prefer your child to be strong and independent and simply do what they think is right. This wish often leads to advice being given that cannot be implemented because it is not based on reality. It may well be that your daughter's assessment of the situation is exactly right and that this friend has a very powerful position in the classroom. You can only help her if you listen to her carefully, take her seriously and work with her to find solutions that recognise the facts.
By explaining to her that her fears are most likely misconceptions and that she is more likely to gain respect if she stands up for herself. It is possible that the popularity of your «best friend» is based on nothing more than fear of her tyrannical behaviour. Of course, I can't guarantee you or your daughter anything, but the rule of the supposedly cool ones often collapses like a house of cards when you stop submitting to them and playing by their rules.
There are not only alpha males, but also alpha females. Your daughter's friend seems to me to be one of them. She has the social power in the class and your daughter seems to know the pecking order and its dynamics very well. This situation can be extremely uncomfortable, but you have to be aware that it will come up again and again in life. Encourage your daughter to fight back. Make it clear to her that the value of people does not depend on their popularity and that you are fully behind her when she sets clear boundaries for her friend. It is not uncommon to gain more respect by confidently standing on the sidelines than by being a cadaver. Even among primary school pupils.
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