What should you do if children quickly feel rejected?

Annika has tears streaming down her face. She tells her mum about the drama during the big break. Emily has been playing with Sarah the whole time: «But I'm Emily's best friend!» Her mum takes her in her arms: «It's really not okay for them to exclude you like that! I understand friendship to be something else!»

What Annika's mum doesn't know and doesn't ask: Annika wasn't excluded at all. When Annika saw that her best friend Emily was going to break with another child, she was so offended and disappointed that she stood sulking in a corner for the whole break, casting jealous glances at Emily and Sarah and didn't say a word to her friend for the rest of the morning.

A high sensitivity to rejection leads to persistent problems in friendships.

Annika repeatedly suffers from being ignored or rejected by other children. She shows a tendency that can become an enormous obstacle when building and maintaining friendships. In psychology, this is referred to as a high «rejection sensitivity», often described in German as Zurückweisungsempfindlichkeit or -sensibilität.

Unfavourable conclusions

Every now and then Annika - like every child - is actually rejected. From time to time she is not allowed to play, is not chosen for her favourite group or is not on a classmate's birthday list. However, the occasional rejections in the real world are contrasted by many situations that Annika only interprets in this way. And she reacts very emotionally to both. She cries, falls silent, sulks.

A series of unfavourable conclusions run through her head at lightning speed: If Emily is playing with Sarah today, then it's a sign that the friendship is over, nobody likes her, everyone is always mean to her.

Her reactions are correspondingly violent. Annika feels devastated, paralysed, sometimes angry or flooded with raging jealousy. Her best friend Emily not only has to cope with many accusations, but also has to comfort her time and again and soften her feelings with tokens of friendship.

When the mental cinema becomes reality

A high sensitivity to rejection leads to ongoing problems both in friendships and in other relationships. It is like a self-fulfilling prophecy: other children are often unable to categorise Annika's reactions and react with irritation: «What's going on now?», «We haven't done anything at all».

Affected children see signs of rejection everywhere, even in ambiguous or neutral situations.

Even her friend Emily often finds it too much. She feels restricted, constantly has to be considerate, respond to Annika's insecurities and apologise or explain things that are insignificant from her point of view. Sometimes she finds Annika quite exhausting!

Annika, in turn, senses the irritation of the other children, which immediately triggers new fears. The reactions of the others cement her image that «they don't like her anyway», that she «isn't really important to anyone» and that she can't rely on anyone. Soon Annika is caught in a vicious circle of negative expectations, emotionally charged conflicts and broken friendships.

Permanent reinsurance

Laurine's fear of rejection is expressed in a completely different way. She tries with all her might to please others and to fit in. She is constantly asking her friends whether they are «mad at her» or «something is wrong» for no apparent reason, she takes credit for even the smallest things and often feels inadequate.

Laurine finds it difficult to express her own views or say no. The fear of being rejected or losing a friend is too great. She quickly lets herself be bossed around by brasher children or gets carried away with activities that she doesn't really want to do. Other children find it annoying that Laurine constantly needs reassurance and doesn't seem to have an opinion of her own.

Parents put a strain on their children's friendships when they constantly criticise them.

For some children, the fear of rejection becomes so great that over time they no longer engage in friendships at all or hop from one loose friendship to the next, true to the motto: if there is no close relationship, you can't be hurt either.

The behaviour is learned from the parents

In addition to innate characteristics, experience with close caregivers such as parents, teachers and especially peers plays a major role. Even if children with a high sensitivity to rejection often only interpret social signals as rejection, this tendency has often developed as a result of real experiences.

Some children have experienced this quite openly - in the form of disinterest, rejection, harsh or malicious comments, constant criticism or irritation in dealing with the child, and even neglect and physical or psychological violence. The experience of parents constantly reacting with disappointment, anger and rejection if you do not fulfil their wishes can also increase sensitivity to rejection.

Annika's experiences with her friends are also commented on by her mother in this way. In Annika and Emily's friendship, it had become customary for Annika to call them in the afternoon to discuss what they wanted to do. This only became a problem when her mum started using phrases like «How come you're always the one who has to call?» sowing doubt about the friendship.

In addition to experiences with adult caregivers, experiences with peers are important - they become increasingly important as children get older. Fear of rejection is fuelled when children are rejected, excluded, teased or physically attacked by others and have problems finding their place in the group.

If a pronounced sensitivity to rejection is not treated, this can later lead to psychological disorders.

When parents should react

It is normal for children and adolescents to do a lot to fit in - and this naturally leads to fears of rejection and abandonment. However, if this tendency becomes so strong that it has a lasting impact on the child's life and makes it very difficult for them to build and maintain friendships, it is important to take a closer look.

If children repeatedly have the feeling that they are being rejected by others, the first thing to do is to check whether there is a bullying situation or whether the child is actually not making friends. In such cases, intervention should take place at group level - for example with an anti-bullying approach such as the No Blame Approach.

If it becomes apparent that the child has a predominantly distorted perception of social situations and reacts highly emotionally to perceived rejection, they may benefit from family counselling or psychotherapy to work through old injuries and deal with destructive thought and reaction patterns. This is often also necessary if a child has been exposed to bullying over a long period of time and starts a new class.

If the sensitivity to rejection is severe, it is worth getting help at an early stage , as it can often lead to problems in relationships, at work and the development of psychological disorders such as depression or anxiety.