What should parents do if their child surprises them during sex?

Mrs Wanka, every mother and father today would describe themselves as enlightened. Are we good role models for our children when it comes to sexuality?

Allow me to comment on the word «educated» and answer your question. In my view, sexual education still has a lot of potential for development in our society. Is the G-spot a myth or a reality?

I first have to overcome my own shame, so as not to pass it on to my children.

In addition, the female genitals are far more than just a «vagina», as they are usually defined. In addition, we are very ashamed in many areas concerning our bodies and our sexuality. And we pass all of this on as role models. Children sense a lot. For example, whether their parents kiss and hug out of attachment or whether it is just a gesture and habit. That's why it's important to live closeness and tenderness with your partner consciously and honestly.

What does an authentic approach to one's own physicality look like? Should parents sometimes walk around naked at home?

If I feel good about it as a mum or dad and it's good for the other family members, then that's fine. But my inner attitude to the topic is much more important than my behaviour.

In other words: I first have to overcome my own shame, so as not to pass it on to my children. Pretending doesn't work in front of children. It's important to take the space as a couple to close the bedroom door for some togetherness. Children can learn to respect that their parents are a couple with needs - including sexual needs.

Even in the middle of the day? It's hard to imagine a 5-year-old accepting that.

This may not work at the beginning. Children want to feel how serious their parents are. They test the boundaries. At some point, the closed bedroom door will be accepted as «couple time».

And what if the child stands in the doorway and surprises you during sex? Should parents discuss the act?

In any case. I would explain to a five-year-old that this is how mum and dad show their love for each other as husband and wife: «This makes us happy and is important to us.» Perhaps the child can then perceive the closed door more and more positively because they know that their parents are now sharing joy with each other and will have time to play with them again later.

How should parents behave if the child doesn't ask any questions?

Then I would approach the child. «You saw us making love earlier.» Or: «Maybe you heard noises earlier. Would you like to ask us something about that?» With older children, you can be more direct: «We've just had sex together. That's good for us as a couple.» And feel free to ask: «How are you feeling about that?»

There are clear boundaries when it comes to children and sexuality. Where should parents draw them?

There are clear legal rules and requirements. And that is a good thing. Beyond that, however, this question needs to be answered individually. In which situation do you no longer feel comfortable as a mother or father? For example, if the father takes a bath with the daughter, she finds the father's penis funny and wants to play submarine with it? Is she allowed to touch the penis or is that a no-go for him? Even if children touch each other in public and like to show themselves naked - we always have to come to an agreement with ourselves: What is right for us? Is the child's welfare still guaranteed and what is socially tolerated?

Ignoring the so-called «down there» can ultimately lead to numbness in the genital area.

And when I reach a limit?

Then I have to communicate this clearly to the child: «It's great when you touch yourself and you enjoy it. You're welcome to do that, preferably at home in your room.»

The 7-year-old daughter enjoys the jet of water in her private parts while bathing. Would this be a good situation to talk about lust? Should you just let her have her way?

I let my own daughter enjoy the water jet and shared in her joy. As long as she is not endangered by the lustful glances of others, everything is fine. If the child is still younger, you don't necessarily have to discuss this behaviour. I don't do the same when my daughter happily chases after a butterfly. If she does, then it's about mirroring her experience and being open if she wants to talk about it.

What do you mean by «mirror»?

«I saw earlier how much pleasure the jet of water on your yoni (editor's note: tantric term for the female genitals) gave you.» As a mother or father, I am showing in a neutral way that I have noticed it and that it is okay. The child feels seen.

How do I deal with the fact that my child also touches himself with his grandparents or other people who look after him?

Discuss this with the relevant people. «It is important to us that our child is allowed to touch themselves, for example when they are having a bath.» We also expect the grandparents to adhere to this when we communicate our attitude and rules when it comes to food. Discussing sexuality in the same way is unusual for us. But we are becoming more open and we can and should play a pioneering role in this.

Sexuality is a topic per se. We are sexual beings. From birth to old age.

You say that mothers should teach their daughters that their genitals are great. Why is this an issue for girls in particular?

The penis and testicles are at the front of the body and are very present for boys. They see their genitals every day and often touch each other. The more often we touch each other, the more nerve synapses grow in the brain. The body parts become more perceptible in a more differentiated way, creating what I call «sensory motorways». However, we only see our vulva ourselves if we make an active effort, pick up a mirror and look at ourselves. And in the saddest cases, we only touch ourselves intimately for the sake of hygiene.

How do I, as a woman, develop such a «sensory motorway»?

By looking at myself, touching myself and allowing myself to be touched. This is how new nerve connections grow - at any age. Many women first have to overcome their shame threshold. While boys talk more openly about masturbation, girls are less relaxed about it. Phrases like these still contribute to this today: «Don't touch yourself there, it's dirty.»

I've also heard women say: «I don't touch myself, I have a boyfriend who does that.» But ignoring the so-called «down there» can ultimately lead to numbness in the genital area. There's nothing your boyfriend can do about it.

What should we teach our sons?

There needs to be a paradigm shift in our society. There's a disparity in the concept of male and female sexuality; it's all about taking and being taken. It should be self-evident that masculinity can also be sensitive and vulnerable - and femininity demanding and dominant. To get there, we have to learn to express our desires and overcome gender stereotypes.

When is the right time to educate a child? During puberty?

This becomes difficult if sexuality has previously been hushed up - then it is not implemented in the family system and it seems untrustworthy. You shouldn't save sex education for a specific point in time. Sexuality is a topic per se. We are sexual beings. From birth to old age.

Labia, pubic bone, pubic hair. We have to separate ourselves from «shame» in the womb, because words shape our thinking.

What should children be taught about sexuality in any case?

Parents should encourage their children to express their current sexual needs and respect the wishes of their partner. In the same way that a boy can say to his girlfriend or a girl to her boyfriend: I think it's really hot to kiss you, but I don't want to have sex yet. And if this desire arises in the course of the encounter, he or she should be able to express this wish.

What do you think of the current sex education literature?

In many books, which are also used in schools, you won't find anything realistic about female pleasure or what the clitoris actually looks like. In my opinion, adults and adolescents are manipulated by this: by omission or omission.

You are also critical of the choice of words used in many sex education books.

That's how it is. Labia, pubis, pubic hair. It is strange that these terms are still in print today and have not been replaced by words such as labia, clitoris and genital hair. In my opinion, we need to get rid of «shame» in the womb, because words shape our thinking. And I don't want any shame in my genitals.

We live in an oversexualised society that does not have a relaxed approach to sexuality and nudity.

Today there is a kind of trend around the vulva in the media, art and fashion. Aren't our children being given a more open and relaxed approach anyway?

Unfortunately, no. In my view, that makes it more tense. A trend creates even more externally determined images. For example, what woman today dares to wear her intimate hair long and fuzzy?

In my opinion, we live in an oversexualised society that does not have a relaxed approach to sexuality and nudity. There are so many images of what sex should look like and how it should work, even children are exposed to pornography. At the same time, there is a lack of basic knowledge, personal responsibility and dialogue: between couples, with children and in society.

Children's access to pornography is a much-discussed problem. What approach would you recommend?

As soon as the children can come into contact with it: address and educate them in an age-appropriate way. Children must be able to recognise that pornography has nothing to do with the reality of how sexuality works between two people. Increasingly, young people are growing up with a false understanding of sexuality due to the shameful silence surrounding it.