The 11 most common questions teenagers ask about love and sexuality

The first kiss. Holding hands for the first time. The first relationship. The first time having sex. First love feels unique and often stays in your memory for the rest of your life. Being in love also brings doubts and questions: Does she really like me? What does he expect from me? Am I ready for «the first time»?

Parents are often not the first port of call for these questions – yet they are important points of contact. Mothers and fathers who want to support their children during this intense phase of development need to understand their children's experiences and be willing to openly address their teenagers' questions.

On the anonymous online counselling service lilli.ch, young people write about what moves them and what they want. This text addresses their most important concerns and shows how parents can respond to them.

Instead of trying to figure out what the other person's signals mean, it is better to ask yourself: What do I want?

1. What on earth does he mean by that?

A glance, a shy smile – and 14-year-old Mia wonders whether her good friend is in love with her. Why has he been watching her from the corner of his eye lately? Does he want something from her? Why doesn't he say anything?

When non-verbal signals and verbal statements do not match, communication becomes unclear. This causes uncertainty. In such situations, many young people try to figure out what the other person means.

It would be better not to focus on the other person, but on your own needs – and ask yourself: What do I actually want, regardless of the signals the other person is sending? Do I want to keep the boy as a colleague? Or could I imagine a romantic relationship? Your own feelings are the key to the next step.

2. Should I start a friends with benefits (F+) relationship with my best mate?

What do I actually want from the other person: a relationship or rather a friendship? A thought experiment can help to clarify things. You decide for or against a relationship on a trial basis and then live with this decision for a few days – for yourself, in your thoughts. During this «trial period», you can look for signs that indicate you are in love: physical signals such as heart palpitations, butterflies in your stomach or sweaty palms in the presence of the other person.

Or do you think about the person more often when they are not there? A trial period like this can help you to better understand your own feelings and needs. Once you are clear about your own wishes, you can prepare for an open conversation to express them – or to better understand the signals from the other person.

Having such a conversation is not easy, because it means showing vulnerability. Parents should therefore signal understanding and at the same time make it clear that clarity only comes when you talk to the other person. And only those who dare to take risks can win. Even if there is no happy ending, young people can gain experience in this way, and the unpleasant conversation will become easier over time.

3. Why do I find other people attractive even though I am in a happy relationship?

It can be confusing when you find other people attractive even though you have a girlfriend or boyfriend. But fantasies do not necessarily mean that you want to act on them. It is perfectly normal to find other people attractive while in a relationship. It does not say anything about your love for your partner. Feelings of infatuation diminish over time and can give way to feelings of love. Then the relationship becomes deeper.

Being able to talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about contraception, desires or fears is an important prerequisite for the first time.

4. How do I know if I'm in love? Am I homosexual?

As if all that weren't exciting enough, sexual orientation can cause young people to have additional doubts. The search for clarity often leads to two key questions: «How do I know when I'm in love?» and «How does sexual attraction manifest itself?» Both questions are frequently asked on lilli.ch. Signs of being in love can include heart palpitations or butterflies in the stomach.

Parents can help their child by asking questions about their crush, about the person they like. Do you think about him often? Do you dream about her? It is important to convey that no decision is final. Feelings change and you can always change your mind. Specialist centres offer additional support for questions about sexual orientation.

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5. Is it normal for me to be afraid of the first time?

Young people want to know when they are ready for their first time. It is important to be able to talk to your partner about contraception, desires, fears and expectations. Fantasising or dreaming about sex can also be an indication that young people are ready for it.

Petting with your partner helps you prepare for this step, as does masturbation. Knowing your own body well is helpful when you do it for the first time. Children and young people should know that it is okay to touch themselves – in a safe, private setting, alone and undisturbed.

And young people need to know that they can withdraw their consent at any time if they change their mind. Planned sex does not necessarily have to happen.

Parents should also be aware that both boys and girls are still confronted with gender stereotypes. Girls, for example, may feel like «sluts» if they engage in sexual activity at an early age or frequently.

To counteract these stereotypes, parents can discuss opposing values with their children and draw on appropriate female and male role models. Alternatively, they can try to explore together why boys and girls are sometimes judged by different standards.

But uncertainties and problems are part of the process; after all, sexuality is a lifelong learning experience. If parents are concerned, it may be reassuring to know that the average age for first sexual intercourse in Switzerland today is just under 17, which is slightly later than when they were young. In addition, young people today use contraception more reliably than in the 1980s.

Support insecure young people in liking themselves by emphasising their positive qualities.

6. I'm not pretty enough.

The prevailing ideal of beauty preoccupies many young people. Those who feel they do not meet this ideal often feel unattractive. This weakens their self-confidence. However, appearance is only one aspect of attractiveness. It is important to repeatedly convey this message to young people.

Our charisma and inner attitudes also influence our attractiveness. People who pursue their interests become interesting to others – and therefore attractive. Self-image is also crucial: people who like themselves radiate this feeling to others.

Finding your own strengths and resources can sometimes be difficult during your teenage years. In such cases, it can help if parents tell their son or daughter what makes them interesting. This means giving positive feedback on specific actions and highlighting endearing qualities as specifically as possible. The more precise a compliment is, the more credible it is.

7. I don't want to embarrass myself.

Revealing one's feelings is risky. Understandably, young people want to protect themselves from rejection and avoid taking this step.

Before talking about feelings, young people should spend as much time as possible with their crush. This allows them to get to know the person better and assess them more accurately. This minimises the risk of getting hurt. Waiting and observing is therefore sometimes not bad advice.

Expressing feelings takes practice and becomes easier with time. Knowing this is a relief. Some young people fear ending up in the «friend zone», which they want to avoid at all costs. But relationships can also develop from friendships.

8. I want a relationship so badly!

The feeling that «everyone has a boyfriend or girlfriend except me» becomes agonising over time. Some young people describe being constantly ignored and overlooked, and suffer from not having a relationship – and never having had one. What can help?

Use the time for yourself: get to know yourself better, accept yourself and thus build up your self-confidence. This includes focusing on yourself and your own feelings and needs – and not concentrating on what is missing. If you know yourself well, you can seek out like-minded people. And your parents can support you in this.

Parents can ask their child what is keeping them in an unhappy relationship. Often it is the fear of being alone.

9. My girlfriend is often absent-minded and hardly talks to me.

Some young people are in a relationship but unhappy. To avoid a break-up, they try to change or control the other person. But people cannot be controlled. This weakens trust. If you are unhappy, you have to change something yourself.

Parents can ask their child what is keeping them in the relationship. Often it is the fear of being alone. Specific questions can support the process: «What would be so bad about being alone? You've been alone before,» «You feel abandoned in the relationship, would being single really be worse?», «Why do you want to chase after someone who doesn't accept you for who you are?»

These are very direct questions, but they are honest and important. Young people should learn to express their needs and expect them to be respected.

10. My parents do not want us to meet.

Young people want their parents to stand behind them and their relationships and support them. Yet some experience the opposite. If parents disagree with their child's relationship, they should ask themselves what fears and concerns they have about it.

Do you think your child is still too young for this? When you impose restrictions, what are you trying to achieve? Protect your child? From bad experiences? From disappointment? Talking openly about feelings gives young people the chance to take responsibility.

Such exchanges open the door to further discussions about fears, concerns and expectations. And for young people, it is also a training ground for learning how to deal with conflicts in relationships.

INSERT ARTICLE WITH SECOND MATERIAL HERE: FIRST LOVE IN CHILDREN: 7 TIPS FOR PARENTS

11. My mum is stealing my girlfriend!

Just as difficult as disinterest is when parents are too involved in their teenagers' relationships. For example, when a mother suddenly becomes her son's best friend and texts his girlfriend more than he does.

Parents should respect young people's need for closeness and distance. If they are unsure whether they are already too close, it helps to ask. Or to make open, non-binding offers: «If you want, you can join us for dinner later. And if not, you know where the fridge is.»

Incidentally, parents are also welcome to use the services offered by lilli.ch and ask for advice. After all, the transition from childhood to adolescence is a challenge for everyone involved.