What should I do if my child is being teased?

The whole playground is covered in snow. A boy has brought his snow shovel from home and is shovelling snow enthusiastically. Around him, a circle of children make fun of him. «How can he come to school with a snow shovel?» «Mega uncool!» Then they kick the snow back at the boy's feet. «You've forgotten something!»

As an observer, you're just waiting for the boy to shout a stupid line back at you. Or even attack the children with his shovel. But he doesn't let himself be put off and continues shovelling calmly. Is he afraid to fight back? Should he perhaps be supported? Or does he perhaps not mind at all?

Children can sometimes be really mean to each other. It's often difficult for adults to put up with. Especially when there is a child around who seems to have nothing to counter such mockery, teasing and stupid comments. They put up with everything instead of reacting confidently and quick-wittedly. Always taking it rather than giving it.

«Whether and how children defend themselves has to do with many different factors,» says Christelle Schläpfer, parent counsellor and bullying expert. First of all, every child has their own personality. Some are more reserved, others like to set the tone. This also affects their social behaviour. Quieter children may not be as vocal in their defence - but that doesn't necessarily make them less effective.

Test self-efficacy

«Sometimes silence is stronger than action,» says Christelle Schläpfer. Because if a child reacts aggressively and repartee, this also means that they have allowed the attack to get to them and provoke them - and must therefore strike back, even if only with words.

That's the aim of teasing: to see what reactions you can elicit from others. Do they blush? Do they start to cry? Do they get violent? Do they run away? «It's very exciting for children to find out what happens when you press buttons like this. They test their self-efficacy,» says Regula Bernhard Hug, Head of the Swiss Child Protection Centre.

How is the child doing?

This testing starts with very young children when they throw the spoon on the floor to see what the adults are doing. Even this game is only fun if the parents react to it. If, on the other hand, the spoon remains on the floor and the parents don't care, it quickly becomes boring.

The decisive factor in teasing is therefore not so much the question of how the child reacts, but rather how he feels about his strategy. If the teasing bounces off the boy with the snow shovel because he has a strong sense of self-worth or simply doesn't care about the other children, then he has found a good way to deal with it.

If you see that a child is suffering from teasing, you have to intervene as an adult.

Andreas Schick, psychologist

But it could also be that the only reason he doesn't react to the teasing is because he's afraid to open his mouth in front of all the older children. Or because the mockers include his friends who are letting him down. Or because he really doesn't know any other strategy than silence, but feels bad about it.

«As soon as adults see that a child is suffering from such a situation, they naturally intervene,» says Andreas Schick, psychologist and family therapist at the Heidelberg Prevention Centre, an institute that specialises in violence prevention. However, it is often the adults who have a problem with the teasing and therefore intervene. «You can also simply ask the child concerned how they are experiencing the situation,» says Schick.

Getting help is not snitching

If you intervene as a parent, Christelle Schläpfer recommends getting the weakened child out of the situation and saying something like: «We won't tolerate behaviour like that, we want to treat each other with respect.» What is counterproductive, however, is scolding the aggressor or trying to get them to stop. «That only gets him negative attention,» says Schläpfer.

In addition to personality, upbringing also plays a decisive role in how children deal with foppery. «They learn a lot from the social behaviour of others,» says Christelle Schläpfer. Is the behaviour at home respectful and appreciative, where it is important to listen to the opinions of others? Or does a child grow up being shouted at, threatened and blackmailed? «Depending on the situation, they develop completely different strategies for dealing with being laughed at or teased,» says Andreas Schick.

Only a minority talk about bullying

One of these strategies is to turn to adults - be they teachers or parents. Among children, this approach is usually labelled as «snitching». «I'm tattling when I only ask for help to get attention,» says Andreas Schick. But as soon as it's about solving problems - and you've perhaps even tried to find a way yourself - it's no longer tattling. Regula Bernhard Hug adds: «As soon as violence is involved, whether verbal, physical or emotional, it's never about snitching.»

Such rules of behaviour are normally also taught at schools. And Christelle Schläpfer believes it is important to regularly emphasise to the children that getting help is a very courageous thing to do. «We know from surveys on bullying that only around 20 to 30 per cent of children manage to say that they are being bullied, the rest keep quiet and don't dare to get help,» says parent counsellor Schläpfer.

Ignoring the attacker even though you have been hit does not work. Because he will notice immediately.

Christelle Schläpfer, bullying expert

Gain practice through role play

Another strategy is to fight back physically. «As this usually leads to escalation, I am generally in favour of non-violent communication,» says Andreas Schick. However, he also says that scuffles are part of child development, especially between siblings. «Children also need to test their physical limits,» says Andreas Schick. In the best case scenario, they realise that they won't achieve their goal anyway. However, if parents notice that a child only knows the way to achieve something by physically attacking them, it is time to intervene and seek a dialogue.

There is no one-size-fits-all recipe for how children should best behave when they are teased - personalities and learned social behaviour are too different for that. However, in addition to modelling social behaviour, parents can carefully observe which tactics their child uses and knows to deal with teasing.

«Especially if children don't come out of a situation like this happy and you realise that it's stressful for them, you can also suggest other ways that they could try next time,» says Regula Bernhard Hug from Child Protection Switzerland. Such things can also be practised at home or at school in role-playing games.

Christelle Schläpfer likes to let children slip into the role of the one who teases - and plays someone who doesn't let teasing get to them in the first place. Someone who blocks it with words like: «You can keep that comment to yourself.» Children would quickly realise that teasing is no longer fun at all.

«But that only really works if a child is actually above the situation and really doesn't let it get to them. Just ignoring it, but being hit, is not enough. Because the person who is angry realises this immediately. You can also show this in role-playing games,» says Christelle Schläpfer.

Where does bullying begin?

What doesn't work is clearly telling the child how to behave. «We can offer different ways. But in the end, it's important that the child chooses something that suits them and that they feel comfortable with,» says Regula Bernhard Hug.

Incidentally, the boy from the initial example came back to school the next day with the snow shovel - as did two other children who obviously thought his idea was a good one. Nobody laughed at them again.