What parents think they know

1. it takes a whole village to raise a child.

Children only need one or two people with whom they have a secure bond. Each additional person, such as grandma or grandad, naturally enriches their lives. The situation is completely different for parents. They need this village or network for support and relief, as we would say today. Only when parents have such a network can they find space for their own needs. And only if the parents are doing well can they take good care of their children.

The network is also important for exchanging ideas with others about parenting or family problems. Because every family comes to a point where they can't cope on their own. Unfortunately, I now see a lot of parents who are quite isolated and have few outside contacts.

Rewards and punishments only work because they create fear in children. Is that what we want?

Maya Risch, family counsellor

In earlier times, family structures were simply a given in the village, but today it is more the responsibility of the individual to build up this village. One way of doing this is to organise parent groups or courses under professional guidance, where it is easier to exchange ideas and learn from each other than in the playground. Parents are strengthened in their competence and realise that they are not alone with their insecurities, questions and difficulties.

Maya Risch, family counsellor

2. punishment is necessary - and desirable behaviour must be rewarded.

Punishment and reward are simple and effective tools in education. Phrases such as «If you don't tidy your room, you won't be allowed to meet your friends» or «If you do your homework properly, you'll get an asterisk» are therefore still commonplace among some parents and at school. However, anyone who uses these tools must realise that they only work because they create fear in children. Fear of punishment. Or fear of not getting a reward. And because parents can use them to demonstrate their power. Do we want children to be afraid? Or do we want them to respect us as parents? After all, children are very dependent on us adults. So they will do almost anything to be loved.

When children do not co-operate with us adults, they are not trying to annoy us. They are signalling to us that something is difficult in their own lives. Instead of putting them under pressure with punishments or rewards, it is worth taking a closer look and thinking about it: Why is my child not co-operating right now? Sure, putting up with resistance, discussing and negotiating - all of this is much more strenuous than using punishment and rewards. But it encourages children to take responsibility for themselves. If parents can't stand it, then they can go out and say: «I need a break now and then we'll discuss this again.» Full stop. They can safely leave out «Otherwise this and that will happen».

Maya Risch

3. parents must be consistent.

This sentence is based on the belief that the development of children can be influenced by consistent parenting. In fact, studies show that parents only have a limited influence on the path a child takes. This is because the child's personality sets the pace. The child's wider environment is also very important. Parents cannot really influence which teachers a child is assigned to, who they make friends with or the characters of their siblings.

Of course, parents should provide a framework and be role models. But neither they nor the children are robots that always function in the same way. Parents need to react differently depending on the child's needs and what suits the situation at hand. This calls for flexibility and not rigid behaviour. And it's not a bad thing if something doesn't go so well. The important thing is to talk about it and for parents and children to learn from it. Unfortunately, perfectionism in parenting is now widespread. It is better to avoid it, and to do so consistently.

Oskar Jenni, paediatrician and adolescent physician

4 Like father, like son.

The family business needed a successor, so the son followed in his father's footsteps. In the past, there was often no alternative, and it was also a matter of respect to carry on what the family had built up. Anyone who couldn't or didn't want to do this certainly felt like they were in prison with their father's legacy. In this respect, it's good that we have more individual freedom today.

But I think you can also see this sentence as an educational mission for fathers. That they pass on their way of being a man to their sons. To show them how to cope with life, how to fight through difficult situations, lose, get up again and carry on. Men have a different role in society than women. That's why there are simply things that only men can pass on to their sons - just as there are things that only women can pass on to their daughters. The role of parents as role models is immensely important - and it's good when fathers take on this responsibility.

Philipp Ramming, psychologist specialising in child and adolescent psychology

5 There is no such thing as the right education.

I would rather say that there is no longer a consensus in our society today about what proper parenting is. It used to be clear that children were little tyrants who had to be brought up to be obedient - through subordination, power and strictness. Today, there is no longer such a clear line. For parents, this means that they have to think more and find their own individual ways. This creates more uncertainty. But we must not forget that there are still aspects that should underpin all parenting, such as non-violence.

Perfectionism is now widespread in parenting. It is better to avoid it, and to do so consistently.

Oskar Jenni, paediatrician and adolescent physician

All children have the same basic psychological needs. They want to build reliable relationships. They need security, recognition, appreciation and guidance. They want to develop further, become autonomous and self-efficacious. Our coexistence with children should be designed to take these needs into account. How exactly we implement all of this and with what priorities is something that every family has to find out for itself - including personal values and boundaries, which also vary from person to person. So there is no one right way to bring up children. But there are certainly common goals that should be achieved in parenting.

Stefanie Rietzler, child and adolescent psychologist

6. what goes around comes around.

There are indeed critical phases for certain areas of perception, such as vision. If newborn kittens are blindfolded in the first few weeks after birth, they will not be able to see later on. However, this all-or-nothing principle does not exist for other areas of development. It is true that there are limited time windows in which children learn certain things more effectively or more easily than later - this includes language, for example. But adults can also learn a foreign language if they live abroad for a longer period of time, for example.

The brain learns for a lifetime, even if the ability to learn declines somewhat with age. It may take us longer than a child to master a musical instrument. However, this does not necessarily have anything to do with age. Musical talent also plays a role. Or the question of how much you practise.

Oskar Jenni

7 You will thank us for this later.

No child has chosen to come into the world. Producing children is a very self-centred behaviour on the part of the parents. That is why they are also responsible for the lives of their children. They have to make decisions for their future. Some are right, some are wrong.

Instead, parents should be grateful that the children they want enrich their lives.

Christine Ordnung, family therapist

Perhaps the child is actually grateful that they were allowed to learn an instrument or that they went to a certain school. Then it is a gift to the parents. However, they may also remember this time as agonising - and that is also their right. Parents are not entitled to gratitude. I think that parents should be grateful that the children they want enrich their own lives.

Christine Ordnung, family therapist

8 First the work, then the pleasure.

Many adults live by this motto. And that's why they say to their children: «First you do your homework, then you can go out and play.» I find this approach problematic for several reasons. Firstly, it implies that work should not be fun, but is the opposite of pleasure. It makes much more sense to focus on what I might like about work or how I can make it as enjoyable as possible.

In addition, rest is automatically linked to performance. But do I always have to finish all my to-dos before I can rest? This attitude drives many adults to exhaustion. And what about the people who can work better or do their homework after they have rested or played sport?

Stefanie Rietzler

9 An Indian knows no pain.

An excellent sentence! Sure, it's a bit romanticised, in the tradition of Karl May's Indian adventures. But I like the message: even if you fall on your nose and it hurts, you can always get up again and carry on. Life is sometimes pretty rough and unkind. Of course, this also applies to women. So I would like to extend the sentence: even an Amazon knows no pain.

Philipp Ramming

10. order is half the battle.

As a child, I thought it was terrible to grow up with my surname «Ordnung» (order). Teachers always judged me by a definition of tidiness that I couldn't adequately fulfil. What exactly is order, please? I think there are many different systems of order. Everyone has their own criteria for tidiness, everyone perceives a different state as tidy. This naturally leads to conflicts, especially in families. And it certainly requires creativity as well as a critical view of the parents' power of definition so that everyone can feel comfortable in a household.

When parents argue with each other in a respectful manner, the child even learns how to deal with conflicts themselves.

Christine Ordnung, family therapist

It used to be quite simple: there was the efficient housewife and everyone else had to adopt her standards of order. Today, we want and seek a different form of equal co-operation. When it comes to tidying up, this also means talking to each other, defining responsibilities and showing tolerance.

Christine Order

11. arguing in front of the child is taboo.

No, it's not. In fact, I think it's really important that children are allowed to experience that arguments are part of living together. But you have to be aware of the topics and, above all, the form in which you argue in front of the child. If I can do this in a respectful way, the child will even learn how to deal with conflicts themselves.

In any case, it is naive to believe that children don't notice when parents are arguing. Because even if it only happens behind closed doors when the children are asleep or not there, they can still sense the atmosphere between the parents. And that makes them very insecure. It's better to approach the children openly and tell them: It's difficult between us at the moment.

Christine Order

12. what is put on the plate is eaten.

«Finish your plate! Come on, you can manage at least one blob! Vegetables are part of it too!» Sentences like this often slip past our lips. But it would be better to refrain from saying them. Because they come from a time when we were still happy to be able to eat our fill.

Today, however, most people in industrialised nations no longer suffer from hunger, but live in abundance. If you don't listen to your inner feeling of satiety, you will soon have a problem with obesity. In children, this feeling of satiety is usually still well developed - provided you let them decide for themselves when to stop eating. And if the vegetables are left on the plate, then that's just the way it is.

We know from research that more than half of all children belong to the so-called «picky eaters» at certain stages of their lives. This means that they are very picky when it comes to food, even fearing new foods. If parents then exert pressure, this picky eating tends to be reinforced and persists for longer. If, on the other hand, children do not learn about fruit and vegetables under duress, they will eventually prefer to eat them. By the time they reach adulthood at the latest, they often actually eat what is on their plate.

Stefanie Rietzler

13. boys are more strenuous than girls.

You hear this a lot, especially in a school context. But what does «more strenuous» mean? Boys often organise their environment more creatively, are more active and perhaps not quite as well-behaved and conformist as girls. In short, they have more energy. That's why they don't fit into our school system as well as girls. And what doesn't fit is obviously perceived as stressful. But if you think about what this means for girls in reverse - namely that they are docile, obedient and streamlined - then this sentence reveals all its bitterness. That's why nobody needs it.

Philipp Ramming

14 Children can be educated until they are 12 years old. Not after that.

There is certainly something to that. The less physically and emotionally dependent children are on their parents, the less influence they have. Peers and friends then take their place. This greatly changes the relationship with the children.

Parents of teenagers need to trust that they have modelled and given them the most important things in the first 12 years. That they have established a reliable relationship at eye level and that this relationship is sustainable. Then they will continue to have an influence on their children's development. And, of course, parents are still needed by the children: to take an interest in their lives and to set boundaries. And also to intervene at one point or another to correct their upbringing. It's never too late, but it is becoming more difficult.

An example: Parents have their smartphone for many years before their children get one. And then it suddenly bothers them that their children are playing around with it at the dinner table or using it in bed - although they may not have set a different example themselves. The only thing that helps is an honest conversation: «We all spend far too much time on our smartphones. It would be great if we could look for new ways to change this together. And of course, we parents need to get involved too.» Dialogue is the best tool for staying in touch with young people.

Maya Risch

15 The grass does not grow faster if you pull on it.

Children need to be encouraged and challenged to learn. However, many parents, teachers and carers sometimes lack the knowledge of what a child is already capable of at a certain age. For example, if a child's cognitive development is not yet so advanced that it can put its needs on hold, then it will not be able to wait to eat.

You need to have a feel for where the child is and what is neither too much nor too little for them.

Maya Risch, family counsellor

If parents don't realise this, it leads to difficult parenting situations. And it doesn't help to have a rigid plan that says: Ah, my child is so-and-so's age, so he must be able to do this or that. You need to have a feel for where the child is and what is neither too much nor too little for them. And then I can make offers. Perhaps they are already interested in letters or politics. And if not, then I'll just try again in two months' time.

Maya Risch

16. he who lies once is not believed.

This immediately raises the counter question for me: is there room for the truth? I think children «lie» mainly because they want to go easy on their parents. Because they are not sure whether their parents can stand the truth, whether there is room for it in the family value system. And only the parents themselves can answer that question. With adolescents in particular, this also has a lot to do with the quality of the relationship: How much trust do they have in their children? How do parents deal with the fact that they are no longer aware of everything and can no longer protect their children? And how well can you deal with the fact that children may take different paths than the ones you would have taken yourself? Because the biggest lie of all is that there is only one right path.

Christine Order

17 If a child is attacked, he or she may hit back.

Yes, it can - but it doesn't have to. Every child has to find their own way to defend themselves. Some make themselves invisible, others run away, others strike back. The task of adults is to accompany such behaviour. To ask: What is it like for you? Is there perhaps a way that would make you feel better? I think it's difficult to simply say «no hitting» and that can also be difficult for the children. Parents don't necessarily have an insight into what it takes at a school, for example, to get their way.

Christine Order

18 Homework is not the responsibility of the parents.

In principle, I think this sentence is right. Children would have more equal opportunities if homework was a matter for the child and school or was abolished. In reality, however, over 90 per cent of all parents help with homework. And it is absolutely understandable that you want to support your own child and give them the best possible start to their future. This naturally gives academic children an advantage, and this is also reflected in the educational studies.

But what you also see in the studies: It's not just the concrete help. Above all, it is the parents' interest in the school curriculum. The fact that the children find a good place and a good structure for their homework. Whether there is someone there to encourage them to help themselves if they have questions. Sometimes it's enough to ask: What did your teacher say about this? Have you ever done a similar task before? Who in your class might know more about it? If parents interfere too much and help too much with the content, this has a negative effect on performance and motivation.

Stefanie Rietzler

19 Parents must pull together.

It is certainly helpful if parents agree on a rough framework for parenting and pursue the big goals together. What values are important to us? And how do we want to achieve them? This is something that should be discussed calmly, especially as both parents have often grown up with very different parenting styles themselves. But in everyday life, in individual situations, parents don't always have to and can't always agree. And the children are fine with that. Provided they can see which of the parents is pulling the strings. So who is in charge of putting them to bed? Who makes sure that everything is tidied up? This clarity about who is in charge is often lacking in everyday life.

Mothers in particular want fathers to take on more responsibility - and then they want to dictate what this should look like.

Maya Risch, family counsellor

I think many families are familiar with this situation when a father or mother is alone with the children and suddenly things are going much better than usual - precisely because it is clear to the children who is in charge. And the other person would do well to take a step back. Mothers in particular would like fathers to take on more responsibility - and then they want to dictate what this should look like. But that doesn't work, because the father can't behave authentically that way. If you disagree with your partner, you can talk about it later - without the children.

Maya Risch

20. relaxed parents have relaxed children.

This sentence creates so much pressure and so many feelings of guilt in parents! Because the reverse is true: if your child isn't relaxed, it's your fault because you're not relaxed enough. But it's not that simple. We do know from research that stress during pregnancy also affects the unborn child. And as children are social beings, they are naturally infected by both positive and negative feelings in their environment. But our sensitivity to stimuli and our attitude to life also have a genetic component.

Parents always realise this when their first child was so relaxed. And then the sibling comes along and has a completely different temperament. It has been scientifically proven: Around 40 per cent of children are cheerful, content, even-tempered right from the start and can hardly be ruffled by anything. A further 40 per cent are more easily upset, but calm down again quickly. And then there are 20 per cent who are highly irritable, find it difficult to be comforted and are not so calm - even if their parents react lovingly and calmly.

The fact that there is such an innate basic temperament is sometimes forgotten in kindergartens and schools. Then they say: «It's all inherited!» We also often forget the following interaction: children who have a balanced basic temperament from birth make it much easier for their parents to be relaxed.

Stefanie Rietzler

21 It does not matter how often parents are at home, it is more important that they spend quality time with their children.

The idea of quality time is that you take extra time for the child at a certain time and these moments are then particularly important. The only problem with this is that not every time is favourable from the child's point of view. Perhaps they don't feel like playing a game with their parents on Saturday, Thursday afternoon would have been better.

The more time we spend with the children, the more likely it is that favourable opportunities for playing together will arise during this time. This is no different in adult relationships, by the way. Relationships develop with time spent together. In the first few years of life, children need to spend a lot of time with their carers in order to form a bond with them.

Later, with teenagers, it is true that they break away from their parents and go their own way. But when they do need to talk, it's important that we have time for them. Fortunately, it doesn't always have to be physical presence at this age. Sometimes a mobile phone is enough to keep in touch - provided the parents take the time to reply to a message.

Oskar Jenni

22 Relationships are more important than education.

For me, this sentence is an invitation to fail in parenting. Sure, parenting needs a relationship, otherwise it's training. But if you prioritise the relationship, then you make yourself vulnerable to blackmail as a parent. Because that means that if children don't get what they want, they'll simply terminate the good relationship with their parents - and the adults are left helpless and have nothing left in their hands. I think parents also have to be able to put up with children showing them less love if, for example, they have forbidden something. Then sometimes parenting takes centre stage and not the relationship. Basically, however, I would say that relationships and parenting need each other and you shouldn't prioritise one over the other.

Philipp Ramming