What is my life theme?
We all live with personal Achilles' heels: particularly sensitive and vulnerable areas of our psyche. And there are certain themes that run through all our lives and accompany us for years: Perhaps you have always found it difficult to forgive yourself for mistakes, to stand up for yourself and your opinion despite headwinds, to trust other people or to take risks in order to realise your dreams?
The origin of such «life issues» often lies in our own childhood, particularly in the way our most important caregivers treated us and our needs. These imprints continue to have an effect on us - and in turn influence how we approach our own children.
The better we understand our childhood imprints and actively deal with them, the freer and more carefree we become. And the sooner we can be the parents we would like to be.
Basic psychological needs
The first thing that helps us on this path is to take a look at our basic psychological needs, which act as an inner motor, and the extent to which our parents were able to fulfil them:
- Attachment: Did I feel loved and secure with my most important attachment figures?
- Competence and self-efficacy: Was I able to experience that I can do something, achieve goals and make a difference through my efforts?
- Self-esteem enhancement and self-esteem protection: Have I received enough recognition and appreciation or have I often been devalued and shamed?
- Autonomy: Was I allowed to have a mind of my own, have a say in everyday family life and go my own way, or was I expected to comply?
- Gaining pleasure: Did I experience many carefree moments, joy, pleasure and relaxation, or was my childhood characterised by the fulfilment of duties, hard work and deprivation?
The way in which our most important caregivers treat us and our needs has a lasting impact on us and influences how we see the world.
If our basic needs are largely fulfilled in childhood, helpful basic convictions are formed such as: «I am lovable», «I can do something», «I can rely on others», «I am allowed to make mistakes», «My opinion counts» or «I am allowed to ask for help».
The better we understand the imprints from our own childhood, the better we can be the parents we want to be.
Negative basic convictions
Some parents fail to adequately address important basic psychological needs. If children are neglected, often left alone with themselves and their feelings, controlled or constantly devalued and punished, negative basic beliefs can develop such as: «I'm not worth anything», «I'm a burden», «What I want doesn't count», «I'm stupid», «I'm not getting enough» or «I'm to blame».
Violence against children cuts across all social classes
Research shows that psychological violence against children not only affects so-called problem households, but all social classes. This is also reflected in the findings of the «Study on the punitive behaviour of parents in Switzerland».
In contrast to corporal punishment, which on average is more frequently used by younger parents, those with several children or those with a migration background, there are no comparable correlations in the case of psychological violence.
What both forms of violence have in common, however, is that they are used less frequently by parents with a higher level of education - according to the researchers, this is even more evident in the case of psychological violence than physical violence.
Most people learnt in childhood that their needs were only met under certain circumstances. They have derived unconscious rules or plans from this. These are often stored in them as «I must ...» or «I must not ...» sentences.
Examples would be: «I must always fulfil all expectations», «I must not make any mistakes», «I must be perfect», «I must not contradict», «I must be strong», «I must always make myself useful», «I must always be there for others» or «I must not have a mind of my own».
What am I afraid of?
If we identify such beliefs in ourselves, it is very helpful to ask ourselves: What am I afraid of? We may then realise that we learned in our childhood: «If I disagree, my father will tick me off», «I will only be loved if I am successful» or «If I do something for myself, others will find me selfish and turn away from me».
Beliefs are mainly formed in the first few years of life. We often carry them around with us for the rest of our lives. Most people have some specific life issues that repeatedly lead to problems: If you believe you have to be perfect, you will always feel inadequate and worthless - and sooner or later, you'll burn yourself out.
Anyone who has internalised a belief such as «I must not disagree» or «I must always be considerate of others» will subordinate themselves in relationships and run the risk of attracting dominant and selfish partners. The conviction that you always have to be strong and do everything on your own can lead to alienation and excessive demands.
Muck out thoroughly from time to time!
It is worth taking stock of our inner life in adulthood and asking ourselves: Which beliefs still have an effect on me today? Which of them strengthen me? And which ones pull me down?
We can tackle the latter with an effective strategy from cognitive behavioural therapy: cognitive restructuring. This involves consciously analysing our thoughts, questioning them and actively searching for new, healthier views.
And this is how you can proceed: Write down a belief that is weighing you down. For example: «I always have to be there for others!» Now put this sentence through its paces:
- Where does this view come from?
- Does this thought help me?
- Is this sentence (still) true today? Is there any evidence for it? What counter-evidence could I put forward?
- Is this demand even realistic?
- What would a good friend say to this conviction?
- What would my everyday life look like if I could let go of this belief?
Consciously reformulate beliefs
You may realise that the belief «I must always be there for others» was justified in your family of origin and that you actually only received love and recognition when you made yourself useful to others. At the same time, you may realise that today, because of this belief, you don't take enough care of your own needs and health.
Perhaps you can also think of situations in which other important people have told you that they don't want you to sacrifice yourself. Or you realise how uncomfortable you feel when someone else lives according to this belief and, for example, your own mother looks after everyone at the family party until she is exhausted but refuses to let anyone help.
Now you can consciously reformulate your belief so that it becomes more realistic and takes your own needs into account, for example: «I can decide when I want to be there for others and when I want to look after myself.» Think about the specific everyday situations in which you tend to go out of your way for others. How could you remember your new belief in these moments in future and act accordingly?
