«We fathers are still not brave enough»

Mr Vonnoh, what was it like for you to become a father?

The first few years were pretty tough. A whole host of demands, ideals and stress factors came together very quickly. And in trying to do everything well right from the start, I quickly reached my limits.

In what way?

I realised that this young creature is completely dependent on us and that we have to subordinate everything to it. That's wonderful - and scary at the same time. For someone who was previously very self-determined and independent, this is, with all due love, a huge challenge. Added to this are the usual upheavals caused by sleep deprivation, unfamiliar stressful situations, a lot of uncertainty, excessive demands and the resulting partner conflicts.

Do you think that many fathers feel the same way as you did back then?

For those fathers who see themselves as having a similar responsibility to mothers, these are certainly familiar experiences.

What ideas do men have about becoming a father?

I would say that most men have no idea what it's like to become a father. At least not one that matches reality. We have this image in our heads that all fathers are super relaxed, super committed and super cheerful. And have fun with their children all day long. Of course, that's complete rubbish. These fathers only exist marginally, maybe not at all. Such an idea puts a lot of pressure on them. And also fear.

Afraid of what?

Not being good enough. The worry of not being as supportive of your partner and child as others might expect or be able to be.

You have been counselling fathers for several years now. Which fathers come to you for counselling?

From young to old, everything is included. Sometimes men come who are about to have their first child and want to prepare themselves as well as possible. But that's rather rare. I usually talk to men who are already a bit further along and are dealing with parenting issues: How do I set boundaries? How can I better understand my child's behaviour? How can I learn to deal with strong feelings in conflicts? Some fathers are also confronted with their own emotional issues that are triggered by their children. And then seek help.

What kind of trigger could that be?

When the child gets angry in the morning because it doesn't want to put its shoes on. And the father realises that he can't deal with the child's anger, that this anger triggers something in him and he gets angry himself. This often has to do with his own childhood experiences. The fathers then realise: My emotionality is so strong, it is not at all in proportion to that of the child. We then think together: Why am I reacting like this? Where does it come from? How can I regulate it better? How can I better empathise with my child?

And how does that work in practice?

To better understand children in conflict situations, I sometimes do an exercise with the fathers. I put two men opposite each other. One should sit on the floor and get down to child height and the other should empathise with the anger and express it to the other person. It is usually very impressive how the person at child height feels.

I can imagine that this has a big effect.

Yes, we are that powerful. In terms of our size alone, but also in terms of our position. That makes a huge impression on our children. We need to be aware of how effective this power is without abusing it.

However, it's not so easy to realise this in an escalating situation. You have to be quite reflective.

The trick is to recognise in advance how to avoid getting into such helpless situations. To do this, I need to have an eye for how I and my family are feeling at the moment and make sure that the proverbial glass is not always on the verge of overflowing.

Everyday time is the absolute basis for feeling close to your children.

What else burdens fathers?

That they don't have the relationship with their children that they want. I often hear sentences like: «I feel distanced from my child. I don't want to be that kind of father. I'm always distracted, I'm not there emotionally. The children have no real connection to me.»

Is this because fathers often work more hours per week than mothers and therefore spend less time with their children?

Absolutely. It's an illusion to believe that you can build a good relationship with your children if you continue to work 50 or 60 hours a week. You should realise that. Everyday time is the absolute basis for feeling close to your children. In my view, you can only create this closeness if you prioritise your working hours differently and give your time with your children a new value.

Why do you think many fathers don't do this?

I think we men are still not brave enough. We don't look enough at what would be good for us and our family because we're so driven to function, to perform. We usually don't dare to try out other ways. We remain in the same old rut. We find it difficult to even say how we feel or that we can't or don't want to carry on like this.

Probably because this is still associated with weakness in many people's minds.

Yes, recognising your own hurt is not easy. Or even admitting mistakes. Developing a certain acceptance or culture of mistakes. Fathers must learn not to expect to get everything right straight away.

Today we have men who want to be present in children's everyday lives.

In other words, you should look at what you need to be a good father and organise your job accordingly?

That is a high standard and goes far beyond what our fathers did. But it seems to me that the time is particularly favourable in Switzerland and Germany to negotiate new framework conditions.

How has the role of father changed?

Fifty years ago, I don't think we had the ambition to play a significant role in our children's lives. We are deeply influenced by this image of the father who, as the head of the family, had to ensure order. The breadwinner and provider. Something like closeness or cuddling didn't play a big role. Fathers often had no opportunity to build a real relationship.

Today, we have men who are somewhat aware of this and want a relationship with their children. Who want to be present in their children's everyday lives and be an equal parent. But most men don't really know how to do this yet, precisely because they don't have any good role models. And also because they don't have any men with whom they can have a good dialogue.

Why don't fathers talk to each other?

It has a lot to do with the image of men that we always have to be strong. That we are not allowed to show any excessive demands or weakness. At least we think we're not allowed to. I often meet men at seminars who think that the others can somehow manage it. Everything looks great with them. The most important thing for them is to realise that others feel the same way. That other fathers are just as overwhelmed and stressed. This exchange is extremely reassuring for many. Sentences like «I'm reaching my limits» or «I can't take any more» are not normally exchanged between men.

It's different for mothers.

There are so many mums' groups, so many books aimed at mothers, so many exchanges between women. Men or fathers are only given a little thought in passing. This shows that the difficulties that men have are not at all obvious or present in our perception.

What else would fathers need in order to fulfil their role better?

Honesty with yourself. Many men do not realise how they want to be as a father. What exactly their role as a father should look like. And that it takes time to redefine this role for themselves and try to let go of demands that cause unnecessary stress. Of course, the partner also plays a big part in the extent to which a father finds his way into his new role.

Do you mean how much she involves or integrates him?

That's right. Mothers have an advantage in terms of expertise. They are the ones who are pregnant, give birth to the child, look after it for the most part in the first few weeks - so they are simply more competent. Men have to catch up first. Now it depends on how the partner deals with this advantage. Is she respectful and appreciative of her husband, does she support him in finding his own way with the child, or does she look over his shoulder with a slightly dismissive look every time he changes a nappy and make him feel like he's not good enough?

It is the responsibility of men to take this space, to claim it.

Some fathers give up after the fifth or sixth time and leave the field to the mother - out of frustration or convenience. It is the men's responsibility to take this space and claim it. The best way to do this is by seeking a reproach-free and respectful dialogue with your partner. And telling her, for example: «I also want to have the chance to make my own experiences and mistakes with our child. This is the only way I can find my way into my role as a father.»

Some couples don't manage to find a good way together. They end up separating. You have also had this experience. How do fathers feel in such a situation?

I think the biggest issue for me and most other fathers is how to deal with the loss and the pain. With the anger that may still be there and the grief that lies buried underneath. You often feel helpless and paralysed at first. Many men have no real idea what life can look like after a break-up and need a lot more time for something new to develop.

Why do men need more time than women?

The majority of break-ups are caused by women who do not take this step without already having any idea what life after the break-up might look like. They are often already further along mentally and emotionally. Men tend to be latecomers and only then realise that their family ideal is collapsing. And how valuable and important the children actually are to them.

As a father, how do you manage not to get lost in such a situation and maintain a good relationship with your children?

Fathers need to quickly realise what they want. They need to think about how much time they would like to and can spend with their children. They should also not be too combative, but try to find a good solution with their ex-partner. It is important to be respectful, but also to clearly state your point of view and say what is important to you, for example that you don't want to be a weekend dad or a fortnightly dad. It helps a lot to be reasonably calm and to concentrate on the parental level, to articulate the possible injuries elsewhere.

You shouldn't be too hard on yourself either. There is no such thing as a perfect father. And there doesn't have to be.

Whether it's a separation or other crises, life doesn't always go the way you want it to. And the relationship with the children can suffer as a result. What can you do as a father if your relationship with your adult child is poor?

There is always an opportunity to reshape relationships. The prerequisite is being able to admit to yourself that you have made mistakes and that certain things didn't go as well as they should have without remaining in a state of guilt. You have to have a certain emotional openness and be able to forgive yourself. In other words, you really have to allow yourself to feel. Men in particular often find this more difficult. But if you are at this point and can communicate this in a way that resonates with the child, then this is a good basis for improving the relationship.

You are now the father of two children, a schoolchild and a kindergarten child. How have you changed as a father and what would you do differently today?

I think I should have focussed on myself earlier, i.e. made sure that I was doing well. I neglected that for a long time. In the meantime, I've learnt to take myself more seriously and not always just function. I can also be much more open about my emotions and my boundaries. I can regulate my anger better.

All the topics we have just discussed are also my own issues that I have lived through. But you can't be too hard on yourself. We put so much pressure on ourselves as it is. Being aware of all this is good and important, but it also takes time. Mistakes and wrong turns are part of it. There is no such thing as a perfect father. And there doesn't have to be.

You have also trained as a bereavement counsellor. Looking back, what is really important regarding your own children?

What we know from deathbed studies is that many people say at the end: «I shouldn't have worked so much, I wish I had developed a deeper relationship with my nearest and dearest, spent more time with them.» I've often heard that in my conversations too. Sometimes a lot of anger and pain arises about not having done this and possibly having set your priorities wrong. That's why it's essential to reflect again and again: What is important to me? What kind of father do I want to be, what kind of relationship do I want to have with my child? And to organise my life accordingly. We now have the opportunity to shape our relationships with our children. We should make the most of this opportunity.