«We are often not sufficiently aware of the influences of childhood»
Mrs Stahl, especially in stressful moments, parents sometimes hear themselves saying sentences that they know from their own childhood and actually reject. Where does that come from?
Our rational knowledge of how to resolve conflicts is blocked by strong emotions. We then quickly fall into old patterns, even if we don't like them. It would therefore be helpful to find out where our blind spots are, which «buttons» trigger us.
Is it not obvious what moves us to tears, frightens us or makes us angry?
We are not very objective when it comes to our feelings. We interpret situations based on our own experiences and act accordingly. These are often imprints that go back to childhood and that we are not even aware of.
Do you have an example for us?
In my practice, I was counselling a father who was repeatedly involved in insane power struggles with his three-year-old son. He shouted loudly at his son and felt that this was inappropriate and unhelpful. Despite this, he was unable to stop this behaviour until we analysed what was behind it.
He had the feeling that he was not respected by him, and he knew this from his own childhood. As a boy, he was often ignored and not valued by his parents. His son brought up this old hurt in him, which is why his father reacted so violently. Once he realised this, he was able to deal with his son's tantrums much more calmly.
But isn't it also authentic to show your anger? Doesn't a child have to learn what emotions it triggers?
Of course, parents should make it clear what makes them angry, sad or happy. But being authentic can't mean that you slip back into your childhood self and freak out. That's just immature.
Is there always a connection between your own childhood experiences and your feelings as a parent?
Not every current emotional state is influenced by our childhood, but our early experiences have a huge impact on us. We are born with an unfinished brain and many synaptic connections are formed in the first few years of life. These imprints act like a pair of glasses with a slight distortion of perception through which we later see the world.
Through a process of reflection, difficult patterns can be resolved quite well and we don't pass them on to our own children.
Of course, there are people who have had such positive experiences that they don't have to struggle with old emotional baggage later on and intuitively do a lot of things right as parents. But for all people who have experienced somewhat more problematic relationships and situations, it is important to ask themselves: What was it actually like for me at home? Through this process of reflection, difficult patterns can be resolved quite well and we don't pass them on to our own children.
What role does the amount of care or freedom you experienced in your own childhood play?
We all have a basic need for autonomy and belonging and how this basic need was dealt with at an early age is crucial. Our self-esteem is linked to our ability to be independent on the one hand and to form attachments on the other. It also has a significant influence on whether we are more likely to be autonomous or conformist parents later on.
What does autonomous and customised mean in this case?
Autonomous parents have a great need for freedom. They sometimes overtax their child by demanding too much independence. On the other hand, there are the conformist parents who, due to their great need for attachment, sometimes endeavour to please everyone.
The more unconscious childhood imprints are, the more power they have over us.
For example, it is often the case that parents who were given little protection in their childhood later develop a disproportionately close bond with their children. These mothers and fathers want to spare their children this feeling of abandonment, which is a loving thought. Unfortunately, they sometimes have problems letting their children grow up and allowing them freedom. Of course, the reverse is also true: some parents I have counselled were so overprotected in their childhood that they had an excessive need for freedom as adults. They felt very restricted by their parental duties.
Is it really so important to analyse your own childhood imprints in detail? Can't it sometimes even be helpful to forget some things?
If you repress something, it will come knocking again at some point. And the more unconscious such imprints are, the more power they have over our feelings. Emotional processes then run automatically. Awareness helps us to understand our own feelings. Depending on how much you had to bend as a child, it can be easier or more difficult to access your own feelings as an adult. However, you need to understand your own emotions in order to be able to respond sensitively to your children.
What does one have to do with the other?
A simple example: When my child cries and tells me that nobody wanted to play with him at school that day, I have to listen to myself for a moment and feel what it feels like to be completely alone and isolated. This is a process that ideally happens naturally. If you can understand this feeling, it is easier to empathise with the child and to comfort and advise them. Parents who lack this ability and only follow certain rules are more likely to ignore the child's needs. Empathy is the king of parenting skills.
Are most parents aware of this?
Parents today pay much more attention to their own feelings and the emotional world of their children than was the case with their own parents. People are then quick to accuse them of being helicopter parents, but I think that the fact that there is greater mindfulness is initially very positive. Negative emotions used to be frowned upon. Parents often didn't understand their emotional world so well and were therefore unable to teach their children how to deal with it in a reflective way. Fathers in particular have undergone a major change in awareness in this respect. They also show weak feelings such as pain, fear or grief and convey that this is the right thing to do. «Indians know no pain» is passé.
