Turn two children into three. Or four.
Me ow! These are the two words that Lilani utters most often. The two-year-old wants to do everything her three older brothers do. The fact that they are seven to ten years older than her doesn't matter to the little one. She eagerly climbs into the hammock with Lorin, 12, Nael, 11, and Andris, 9, and squeezes herself between them. The boys giggle and tap their feet to rock back and forth.
Little Lilani is now romping around the garden of the family's detached house in Thalwil ZH - despite her parents Mara and Andy Jacob's Excel list. On this list - which now takes pride of place in Lilani's photo album - her parents wrote down everything that spoke in favour of and against a fourth child. And the «against» column was significantly longer than the «for» column.
A quarter of all childless people in Switzerland dream of having a family with more than two children.
«But if having children was a purely rational decision, nobody would have any. In the end, the yes came from the heart and the gut,» says Mara Jacob. This was also the case for the Wolf family from St. Antönien GR.
Without Simon, now 6 years old, the family didn't feel complete, says Christina Wolf. So Ramona, 12, and Mario, 10, had another brother as a primary school pupil and a nursery school pupil respectively. «I was so happy!» Ramona still gushes today. «She wanted to carry the baby around and change him all the time. You almost had to stop her,» says father Hansandrea Wolf with a laugh.
For Wolfs, one thing is clear: «Three is better than two!» With three or even four children, the Wolfs and Jacobs are still more of an exception in this country. But a trend reversal can slowly be observed.
On the one hand, more and more childless young women and men say they dream of having more than two children: according to a survey conducted by the Federal Statistical Office in 2015, over a quarter of the 17,000 people questioned said they did. On the other hand, the birth rate of third children is actually increasing - in 2010, for example, the figure in Switzerland was 7.5 per cent higher than in 2007.
Helping hands with nappy changing and cupping
Christina Wolf grew up with a sister, her husband Hansandrea with a brother. Both say they would have liked to have had more than just one sibling as children. So it was clear quite soon after Mario's birth: that wasn't all. But she enjoyed the break between number two and three, says Christina Wolf. Especially as Ramona was a cry baby in the first few weeks and needed several operations and hospital stays due to a haemangioma on her ear.
The time afterwards with a toddler and the second baby was very stressful. Starting all over again with Simon after the other two were already out of the woods, on the other hand, was totally problem-free, says Christina Wolf. "He was a very easy baby to look after, slept through the night at ten weeks and only woke up once or twice a night before that.
The older ones also helped a lot with nappy changing and cuddling." The sibling trio harmonised well right from the start. Even today, one of them is rarely the fifth wheel. «They can do everything very well together. Even arguing,» says their mum with a smile. Neither of the two older children has ever been jealous. On the contrary. Mario was happy to no longer be the runt of the litter, and Ramona loved her little brother dearly right from the start.
«I spent hours pulling him around the house in a crate,» she says with a laugh. Jealousy was never an issue for the Jacob family either. Not much has changed for him with Lilani's arrival, says Lorin, the eldest, shrugging his shoulders. Andris liked no longer being the youngest. Only Nael, the second eldest, thinks that some things were a bit daft - «for example, we always had to be quiet when Lilani was having her nap.»
Not just a desire for more children, but a real need
Mara Jacob says that she was worried that the youngest would grow up like an only child due to the large age gap. But that's not the case at all: «She's with us everywhere. Of course, you have to adapt to her from time to time, but it's usually the other way round.» At the weekend, the two-year-old is more likely to be found on the sidelines of a handball court or at a rowing regatta cheering on her brothers than in the playground.
The advantages of a large family: parents become more relaxed with each child. And the family phase lasts longer.
For a long time, there was someone missing in the family, says Mara Jacob. «I often asked myself who exactly that was. If the answer had been a girl, I would have given up having another child. But it really was: a fourth child. Of course it's great to have another girl. But we would have been just as happy with a boy.» For Andy Jacob, the family would have been complete even with three children.
«But for Mara, it was much more than just a desire to have children, it was a real need. It would have been wrong to prioritise my wishes over hers.» Mara is convinced that if Lilani had not been born, it would have put much more strain on the family than her birth did: «Starting all over again was physically and emotionally tough. But we also knew from experience that this time would pass. Living with a constant hole would have been much more emotionally exhausting - and not just for me.»
Desire often does not meet reality
In the end, the Jacob family decided in favour of Lilani. Despite the negative balance on the Excel list. One of the negative points on this list: Mara was 41 years old when Lilani was born. Age is one of the reasons why desire and reality drift apart despite the trend. The desire for three children or more from the aforementioned survey is offset by a birth rate of 1.54 children per woman (15 years ago: 1.38). And according to a Eurostat survey from 2015, the average age of first-time mothers is 30.7 years.
This makes Swiss women among the oldest mothers in Europe. «The search for the right partner, education and the first years of work take time. The time window is often simply too small for many children,» says Daniela Nagel, author, philosopher and mother of five(see interview).
By comparing different generations, the Federal Statistical Office sees indications of how far the desire to have children and the actual number of children drift apart. For example, only 9 per cent of 20 to 29-year-olds would like to have one or no children. Of 50 to 59-year-old women, 16 per cent have a child, while 20 per cent are childless. 65 per cent of 20 to 39-year-old women fear that each additional child will mean poorer career prospects, and three quarters of all men and women fear that another child will limit their financial opportunities.
When the car becomes too small
The Wolf family knows the issue of financial restrictions from their own experience. Christina Wolf is a trained baker/pastry chef, and since Ramona's birth she has mainly looked after the family. Hansandrea Wolf is a bricklayer in summer and a ski instructor in winter. When Simon was born, they had to get a bigger car. «But that was the only new purchase. Otherwise we still had everything,» says Christina Wolf. But the older the children get, the more financially significant they become: ski equipment, hobbies such as swinging or climbing, music lessons - all three.
«But finances were never a reason not to have a third child,» says father Hansandrea. The Wolfs realise more and more that many things are geared towards the two-child family. «For example, family tickets for leisure activities or holidays - they are always valid for two adults and two children,» says Christina Wolf. And then there's the matter of the house they inherited. It has - of course - only two children's rooms.
With an average age of 30.7 at first birth, Swiss women are among the oldest mothers in Europe.
Simon's bed is currently still in his parents' bedroom. Soon, however, the parents will move into a smaller room and Simon and Mario will share the largest bedroom. Problem solved. In the Jacob house, all three boys even share a room. Soon, however, they will be moving into their own house and each child will have their own room.
Financially, the fourth child is not a huge step for IT specialist Andy Jacob and his wife, who attends births as a doula and also trains doulas. Until now. «We realise that this will change over the years, depending on the children's education,» says Andy.
However, there are certain things that they do without for practical rather than financial reasons: «Eating out is stressful with four children. And holidays with six are also more relaxed in a holiday flat than in a hotel.» Skiing holidays require special organisation. «A huge battle of equipment!» says Andy Jacob with a laugh.
He travels with Lilani and the luggage in the car, Mara travels with the sons on the train. «But that will get better as soon as we no longer have to lug a pram and nappies around for the night.» When the Jacobs are travelling with the six of them, they are often approached. «The reactions are always positive,» says Mara Jacob. «People often say they regret not having more children themselves. It also took courage for us, but today we are very happy that we took this step.»
Mum-of-three with only two hands
The Jacob family and the Wolf family have found happiness with three and four children respectively. Neither Simon nor Lilani have really upset much in their families. All the parents agree that the first child changed the most. Turning from a couple into a family is a bigger challenge than expanding the family. «Even if, as a mum of three, I often lacked a third hand at first,» says Christina Wolf.
Mara Jacob also recognises this feeling: «The third child has changed more than the fourth, especially as the boys are very close in age. With Andris, the strict life became a very strict life. With Lilani, it was quite relaxed in comparison.»
And what about other children? The Jacob family agrees: «With Lilani, we've arrived.» Most of the Wolf family also think that things are fine the way they are. Only one of them thinks a fourth baby wouldn't be so bad. «I don't want to be the smallest either!» says Simon sulkily.
