Trusting our children: So important, so difficult
Sometimes parents put a safety net around their children that not only prevents them from falling too hard, but also restricts their freedom and ensures that they miss out on important experiences.
Studies have long shown how harmful parental overprotection is for children: a lack of self-efficacy, reduced independence, limited social skills and fear of making mistakes are the direct consequences, and these children are more likely to develop anxiety disorders and depression in adulthood.
But how can we find a good balance between letting go and protecting? How can we protect our children from real dangers without restricting their experience too much?
Fears that relate more to the parents
The desire to protect our children usually arises out of worry and fear. There are fears that a primary school child will be abducted if they go to school alone, make the wrong friends, fail to make the grade they hoped for, experiment with drugs or experience violence.
These are often fears that relate more to us as parents: How do I feel if my child arrives late or doesn't have their homework with them? What does it say about my competence as a mum or dad if my son hangs out at the youth club?
Our children's world is full of dangers and they will only learn to deal with them if they come into contact with them.
Some of these fears are real, others are very unlikely. And still others are insignificant on closer inspection. However, one unpleasant truth that we parents have to come to terms with is that our children's world is indeed full of dangers and they will only learn to deal with them if they come into contact with them in an age-appropriate way.
Age-appropriate handling of hazards
This starts at an early age: we allow the toddler to climb a tree and trust that they will hold on tight. However, there is always the risk of falling and hurting themselves. If we can allow such games with some risk, the child develops greater motor skills, learns to deal better with their fear and gains self-confidence.
And even fourteen-year-olds will only learn to assess critical situations correctly, to reflect on whether certain friendships or relationships are good for them, whether their media consumption is getting out of hand or whether they need to take on more responsibility at school if they have parents who give them freedom.
Parents who can allow mistakes, but who keep an eye on the young person and can analyse experiences together with them. Only in this way can a growing child develop its own criteria that give it answers to questions such as: How do I recognise that something is not good for me? What is important to me and what is worth making an effort for? What makes a real friendship? How do I set boundaries, how do I get help and how do I free myself from risky situations?
If we do not succeed in gradually opening up this scope for experience, our children and young people will simply take it for themselves at some point - without being prepared for it.
Trust means that we assume that our child wants to organise their freedom in a positive way. It cannot and will not always do this.
Trust needs practice
When we trust a child, we form the subjective conviction that we can rely on their word and that they will take good care of themselves.
However, trust is not the same as knowledge. We cannot assume that our child will act exactly in our favour. This means that when we trust, we are consciously taking a risk and making ourselves vulnerable. We jeopardise our own well-being to a certain extent in order to provide the child or young person with a learning environment.
Confidence strengthens self-esteem
How does it feel when someone trusts us? Assigns us a difficult task, for example? Trust us to do our job without constantly checking up on us? We feel uplifted almost immediately. The freedom we are given and the responsibility that comes with it boosts our self-confidence.
Often the child has not exploited the parents' trust, but a gap in their control.
At the same time, it increases the willingness to co-operate. A teenager who hears from her parents: «I'm letting you go to this music festival in the presence of your two friends. And I trust that you'll look out for each other, stay together and call me if anything happens», will deal with this freedom very differently than a peer who claims to be staying at a friend's house and sneaks into the event.
What if my trust is exploited?
Trust means that we assume that our child wants to organise their freedom in a positive way. However, this does not mean that they can or will always do this. However, some parents complain that their children «constantly exploit their trust». If this is the case, it is worth taking a closer look. This often happens in families where there tends to be a climate of mistrust.
Then you hear from parents: «My child has let me down so often» or «If you give him the little finger ...». However, if you take a closer look, it often becomes clear that the child has not exploited the parents' trust at all, but a gap in their control. For once, the sweets cupboard was not locked and the child helped themselves. The parents came home a little late for once and the child secretly watched television.
Trust can only be «exploited» if it is first made available. And even then, children and young people will of course always try to extend their freedom a little, get carried away here and there by the situation or peer pressure or hide things that make them feel uncomfortable and embarrassed or that they want to keep to themselves for some other reason.
Just as we adults sometimes hand in a project later than announced, get lost in front of the TV or on social media, even though we have sworn to go to bed early tonight, sweep mistakes under the carpet or go overboard at a party.
When talking to our children and young people, we can use such situations to offer them support and strengthen them for the future. Perhaps with questions like: We agreed ... I think there's a good reason that you ... What was going on? What was difficult for you? It's important to me that this works - what would be necessary, helpful?
