And the feeling of guilt greets us daily

While the little one sleeps in the carrier and the older children play in the forest, a father friend, himself a child and adolescent psychotherapist, asks the following question: «Do you actually think you are good parents?» It got my husband and I thinking: are we really doing a good job as mums, dads and parents? And how exactly do we judge that?

It quickly becomes clear that we are not entirely sure about these questions. Our friend adds: «I was just interested because I have the impression that our generation of parents is constantly questioning itself and that those who objectively are actually good parents often doubt themselves the most. Unlike the generation of our parents, who are often astonishingly convinced: "Parenting? We did a great job! We were good parents.»

Higher demands, more self-doubt

The fact that so many of us today have doubts about our parenting skills is certainly also due to the increased demands: We want to treat our children as equals, take their thoughts and feelings seriously and give them the tools for a healthy, fulfilling and self-determined life in the community. Under no circumstances do we want to miss out on anything in their upbringing or even pass on unfavourable patterns without reflection, which in the worst case could affect our children for the rest of their lives.

It would do us good to consciously focus on what we have achieved: Tadaaaa! instead of to-do.

We would do well to take a more positive view of our parenting skills, as a Belgian study by Bénédicte Mouton and Isabelle Roskam from 2015 suggests. In this study, mothers were asked to complete parenting questionnaires. They were later observed interacting with their child.

Feelings of guilt despite parenting skills

«Your child shows all the signs of a healthy, well-developed child, both at home and at school.» Half of all mothers received this feedback, regardless of the actual results. But that's not all: they were also told that - compared to other families in Belgium in a similar life situation - they were among the 20 per cent of parents with the highest parenting skills. They were particularly successful in supporting their children in the three central areas of parenting: Warmth and warmth, emotion regulation and dealing with boundaries.

The highlight: Mothers who received this feedback were actually more sensitive, positive and supportive with their child and less irritable. Interestingly, the belief in their own parenting skills was also transferred to the children: they were more carefree, less irritable and more persistent and joyful in their play. This result is based on a long-known psychological effect: the so-called Rosenthal or Pygmalion effect. It starts with an expectation that we unconsciously fulfil - which confirms this expectation in the end.

So it would be very helpful for us and our children if we could answer the question «Do you think you are a good mum or dad?»: «There are a few things I would like to work on - but on the whole: Yes!»

But what should you do if self-doubt prevails and you notice a tendency towards excessive self-criticism?

Realise your sunny side!

By nature, our brain tends to perceive negative things more strongly than positive things and to attach more importance to them. So it's no wonder that when we look back on the day in the evening, we mainly think of moments in which we obviously didn't behave in the best possible way: Here we reacted in an annoyed manner, there we made the child hurry, there we only listened with one ear. And why have we only had pasta again for the fourth day in a row?

It would do us good to consciously focus on what we have achieved: «Tadaaaa!» instead of to-do, so to speak! We can look back on the day in the evening and ask ourselves: «What did I manage to do today?» instead of «What did I leave undone?», «At what moments was I in loving contact with my child today?» instead of «What was missing today?», «At what point today did I manage not to simply react from my gut?» instead of «What did I do wrong again today?».

By giving other mums and dads appreciative glances, we strengthen each other as parents.

Comparisons with others provide an ideal breeding ground for self-doubt: «Why are they doing so well and I'm not?» When we get caught up in this maelstrom, we can consciously counter it: «I can't really get a picture because I only see this family from the outside and don't know what it's really like and what problems they might be struggling with.»

It is also advisable to pay attention to what you consume. Especially on social media, highly emotionalised content gains a lot of reach and not necessarily content that is helpful. We should ask ourselves: How much social media is really good for me? Which experts help me, which only stress me out or make me feel incompetent? Then have a good clear-out!

Showing vulnerability

Self-critical people usually want to present as good an image as possible to the outside world. They don't want anyone to realise that they don't have everything under control and that they are in trouble more often than they would like! This demand not only puts you under pressure, it can also make you very lonely.

But if you give yourself a jolt and open up to other parents, you will realise how beneficial this is. A «I don't feel like I'm doing so well as a mum/dad at the moment» is often followed by «You're not alone in this». This can be a starting point for mutual understanding, relief and support.

People with a tendency towards self-criticism often believe that they can do anything if they organise themselves well enough. And because this doesn't work, pressure and feelings of inadequacy are their constant companions. These only diminish when we recognise that our time and energy are finite during the day.

Then we can ask ourselves honestly: What is particularly important to me for our everyday family life? What less? And which one or two things should definitely find a place in our everyday lives? Instead of making excessive demands, we define a minimum goal based on this, for example: «I want to be in real contact with my child once a day» or «I want to make sure that we go on an outing with the whole family at least once a month».

Last but not least, I would like to encourage us all to affirm each other in parenthood. Let's give other mums and dads appreciative glances, let's say what strengths we notice in them, what qualities we perhaps even admire them for!