«Toddlers are in conflict between closeness and autonomy»

Mrs Pfender, from the age of two, children turn into drama queens and tantrums. What developmental stages do they go through in this phase?

Most two-year-olds recognise themselves in the mirror. The «I» has developed from the «you». They have discovered their own will. This is the time of repeatedly «breaking free from the safe harbour» in order to explore the world and follow their own impulses. Toddlers are in constant autonomy-dependence conflicts. On the one hand, they feel a clear sense of belonging to their carers and actively seek their closeness and support. On the other hand, they feel a strong desire for independence. The ability to postpone their own needs and understand that the other person has a different perspective is only just maturing.

Emotions and behaviour are also heavily dependent on temperament and developmental profile as well as influences such as time of day, hunger, family dynamics and self-regulation skills in dealing with emotions such as anger, disgust and guilt. Parents often overestimate their children's socio-emotional skills and thus unwittingly overtax them. Defiance, stubbornness and drama can also indicate that a child is faced with demands that are not appropriate for their age or the situation: For example, when they have to make sure they don't get their smart dress dirty in the playground.

What is the best way to support a child of this age?

Self-determined behaviour is part of normal development and follows an important developmental goal: to recognise and defend one's own ideas. Being aware of this is certainly helpful in order to better accept this phase. It also helps that children generally want to do well and do well by others.

When children are overwhelmed with their emotions, parents fulfil an important dual role with their inner attitude and presence, which the word «support» describes beautifully: On the one hand, they show boundaries, if possible without devaluing the child or assigning them a fixed role such as the drama queen. On the other hand, they provide emotional security, comfort and understanding and soften the strong feelings by enduring them with them.

When is a child ready for kindergarten?

They should be able to detach themselves from their parents for a few hours, be comforted by others and carry out small everyday tasks independently. In everyday kindergarten life, it is also important to understand and follow rules for good behaviour. They should also be able to wait briefly and get involved in small tasks at the table. However, one should not underestimate what a child can learn through the group setting and experienced kindergarten teachers.

Experience in daycare centres, playgroups, etc. as well as a variety of social experiences with short separations from parents are also very helpful. This allows them to feel part of a group and gain positive experiences with other carers. I would also advise all parents to let their child try out lots of things on their own and to talk to them about their feelings and needs. If a child appears younger than their chronological age in an area of development such as speech or movement, parents should discuss their concerns with their paediatrician at an early stage: There are good support options available at toddler age as well as adapted nursery settings that offer more support. However, these need to be prepared.