Time out without lockdown

A mother of a six-year-old daughter talks about the dramas at the dinner table. She describes her family life as very active. She knows the daily conflict between work and family well. The mother is of the opinion that children need good and solid framework conditions. For example, her daughter should learn table manners. She should be able to behave well at the table.

This had led to many conflicts at the dinner table over a long period of time. One of the conflicts was that the daughter would not sit quietly in the chair and would not eat properly. The parents told the daughter very clearly what their expectations of her were. They explained to her how important they thought it was that she learnt to eat nicely. At some point, they decided to introduce the timeout method.

Parenting as a power struggle is a bad idea, especially because everyone loses: the parents, the child, the relationship.

If the daughter doesn't eat well at the table and doesn't stay seated, the parents take her to her room and close the door. After a few minutes, they go back to her. At first the daughter always shouted loudly, then she always calmed down, but was still angry and only ate reluctantly with her parents at the table.

Answer from Jesper Juul:

My immediate answer to your question is a resounding yes. Let me first explain why - and then show you an alternative. Imagine a trip in a helicopter and look at the situation from above: We see two tall, responsible, intelligent adults in a hopeless power struggle with a six-year-old girl.

Children's behaviour is always a product of their relationship with their parents.

This is out of proportion! Parenting as a power struggle is always a bad idea, especially because all three parties lose: the parents, the child and not least the quality of your relationship - regardless of the ultimate winner of the battle.

Children's behaviour is always a product of their relationship with their parents; they were also born with different characteristics. How we develop depends first and foremost on parental guidance. In other words, the responsibility lies with the parents.

When a conflict arises, it is never the fault of one party. If a conflict arises between adults and children, the adults are responsible. Therefore, it is unreasonable and irresponsible to blame your daughter for the conflicts that arise and for what happens when she is sent into isolation.

«No doctor can heal these wounds!»

The message you are sending her is clear: we are not happy with the situation - and it's your fault. When parents are frustrated in their relationship with their child, it is never the child's fault.

However, adults can make a contribution by changing their view of their responsibility. If we blame the child, we violate their personal integrity and thus reduce their life skills. Guilt and shame are both self-destructive feelings. They should not be anchored in a child's soul. But that doesn't mean that I think you are «irresponsible» - far from it!

The time-out method looks simple, and it seems to work. But only for a short time.

For example, it is very responsible to teach your child civilised behaviour around the dinner table. But the atmosphere in a family - even between father and mother - rarely depends on what we do, but on how we do it.

I don't know your family, so I don't know what has gone wrong. There are indications that you are very busy. Too busy making sure everything runs smoothly. To the point where your daughter begins to feel like a burden to the community rather than an asset. We are seeing this kind of loneliness in modern children more and more often.

Later on, this also affects adult love relationships: When all energy is directed towards family and career, we lose the experience of feeling valuable in someone else's life. Maybe your daughter wants to tell you: «Now I have to stop them all! We used to have a good time together.»

Whatever she is trying to tell you, here's what I suggest: Sit down with her in a quiet moment and say, «We were so unsure of what to do, so we started punishing you for something that wasn't your fault. We are sad about it. We don't know what to do yet, but we will take responsibility.»

The time-out method looks simple, and it seems to work. But only for a short time. If adults are consistent and persistent, the effect can last for a long time. It works as usual when the stronger ones hurt the weaker ones, but the price paid later is too high.

As a rule, these children experience a lifelong struggle with guilt, shame and a low sense of self, and poor relationships with their parents also result. This type of injury has nothing to do with parenting. No doctor can heal the wounds of the training on the child's soul.

When considering a method for your child, first think about whether you would use it with your best friends.

A good idea would be to take a time-out without locking away. If a destructive conflict arises - such as a power struggle - you can go into another room with the child, sit down and think about things together. If the adults remain calm, it is usually the children who come up with creative solutions.

Finally, a good rule of thumb: If you are considering a method for your child, you should first think about whether you would also use it with your best friends.

If the answer is no, then it's probably a bad idea to use this method with your child. Unless you belong to the group of adults who have not yet realised that children are real people.