«There are no negative feelings»

Mr Rogge, in happy moments, parents clearly reflect to their children how much they value their joy or courage. On the other hand, they want to switch off negative feelings such as fear or anger as quickly as possible. That is understandable. But does it also make sense?

Firstly, I would like to do away with the distinction between negative and positive feelings. It does not make sense to categorise one emotion as desirable and the other as undesirable. Although this is a common distinction in our everyday lives, it is fatal when it comes to supporting children.

Why?

You've already said it: because our tendency is to shut down negative emotions as quickly as possible. Forming emotions and facing up to them is a central developmental task for every human being that begins at birth and accompanies us through adolescence, school age, puberty and into old age.

We all get on well with happiness. It is also wonderful when I show my child that I am happy that they are sharing these feelings with me. However, I should also accompany fear, anger or aggression with the same intensity.

The parental phrase «You don't need to be afraid» is really not helpful at all!

They are also part of life, they are important and valuable to us, so we must also be able to deal with these feelings. We need to know their function, their background. For example, there are fears that are necessary because they protect us. And there are fears that make us dependent and keep us down.

Anyone who is anxious wants to get rid of this feeling as quickly as possible. So parents try to take away their children's fear.

One parental sentence that children are repeatedly told is: «You don't need to be afraid.» This really isn't helpful at all! When a child is afraid, it is afraid. Then they are looking for closeness and security. That's it! They don't want to hear that their worries are unjustified. That would also make them feel stupid. The «why» question that younger children are often asked is not helpful either. «Why are you scared?»

How is a parent supposed to find out what is bothering the child?

The younger my child is, the more important it is to observe their behaviour first. I could try to explain certain behaviour to myself or talk to my partner about it.

When a toddler has violent tantrums, you can ask «How does your anger feel?», «Where is your anger?». These are things that a child can visualise.

For example, I can ask myself whether his emotions are an expression of a developmental phase, whether he wants attention. Why questions usually express a certain pedagogical powerlessness. Children sense this. That's why you get nonsensical answers like «that's why» or «I don't know».

But not asking anything at all can't be the solution either.

Of course, it makes sense to talk about feelings as early as possible. But adults' questions should not be left to the child - especially when they are still small - to break down the situation.

For example, if a child is afraid of monsters, questions such as «What does it look like?», «Where is it?», «How could we defeat it?» are constructive. If a child has violent tantrums at the age of three or four, you can ask something like «How does your anger feel?», «Where does your anger sit?». These are things that a child can visualise. This makes the feelings tangible in language and therefore also changeable.

Compassion is better because it offers help for self-help.

If this has already been practised with a young child, they will be able to explain how they are feeling much better later on. By being able to name their feelings, children can also better understand and process this state.

In your book «So große Gefühle!» you call on parents to show compassion instead of pity. Why is the difference so important?

Compassion is better because it offers help for self-help. Sometimes parents consider whether they are being hard-hearted if they don't show compassion for their distressed or anxious child. But sympathising confirms the child's helplessness and offers no perspective in despair.

Compassionate parents understand the distress, provide comfort and give courage: «I'll give you support if you need it.» The fact that this attitude is desirable is already conveyed in an age-old children's song: «Little Hans went alone into the wide world.»

What does this song tell us about the emotional support of a child? Hänschen leaves his parents' house.

That's right, children have to do that too. One of the parental challenges is not to slow down a child's desire to move and develop. If I constantly tell my child: «Just watch out, be careful», then I'm limiting them through my fears.

Anyone who tries to banish aggression from childhood is stalling development.

However, most children are prudent anyway and test their skills when they start something new. In the song it says: «Stick and hat, suit him well, he's very happy». Hänschen is given a stick so that he feels secure, and he is given a hat so that he feels protected. And with this feeling he goes out into the world alone. He is not driven! He moves on his own, taking developmental steps at his own pace. This includes certain fears and aggression.

An aggressive child can be hellishly stressful for their parents and for everyone else.

Adults often say: «A child is aggressive». This is a fatal judgement, it doesn't make sense. A child acts aggressively in certain situations. As an adult, I should then look at what the child is expressing through their behaviour. This doesn't mean that as a parent I tacitly tolerate all behaviour, but a change of perspective would be a sensible first step.

What can parents discover?

The Latin root of aggression reveals a lot about the function of this emotion. The verb «aggredere» also means «to go towards something, to go for something, to tackle something». The constructive side of this feeling is often ignored.

Today, many children's bodies have been shut down. They don't know what a body can withstand and what can lead to serious injuries.

If you want to win a sporting competition, for example, you need this form of energy and self-mobilisation. Children must be allowed to shout, romp and scuffle. Anyone who tries to banish aggression from childhood is stifling development.

However, you cannot simply tolerate a child hitting others or wilfully destroying things for the sake of their development. How do you set boundaries as a parent?

Aggression education - in other words, education on how to deal with aggression in a healthy way - is important. Children want to break rules and test boundaries. Parents must react in an age- and situation-appropriate manner and set boundaries. This includes not treating a child like a small adult in aggressively charged situations and discussing or negotiating things.

However, parents also need to consider when it makes sense to say no. Part of aggression education is also allowing children to have physical experiences. When I carried out a survey 30 years ago to find out whether children wrestled at home, 75 per cent of all families confirmed this. In my last survey a few years ago, only 30 per cent of families still wrestled and fought playfully.

What is the consequence?

Much more often than in the past, we see that children no longer know where the limits are when it comes to fun roughhousing. Earlier generations knew that if someone was lying on the floor and you realised they couldn't take any more, you stopped. And they also knew that you could grab the wrist firmly or hit the upper arm, but not squeeze the neck or kick the head.

Parents always have to deal with two generations of children. The child before them and the child within them, i.e. the child they were themselves.

Today, many children's bodies have been shut down, so to speak. They don't know what a body can withstand and what can lead to serious injuries. When these children get angry, some of them hit and kick with frightening vigour. They are often disturbed by their emotional outburst afterwards.

How well do parents actually manage to recognise the causes of these and other emotional outbursts?

I would like to give two answers to this. The first is that parents always have to deal with two generations of children. The child before them and the child within them, i.e. the child that they themselves were.

A shy boy doesn't have to go to wilderness camp because his mother would have liked more freedom as a child.

The more an adult has dealt with their childhood experiences, the less burdened and more openly they can accept their own child and recognise what drives them and what they need. Children don't want you to act out on them what their parents would have liked. A shy boy doesn't have to go to wilderness camp because his mother would have liked to have had more freedom as a child.

Are parents aware of this?

The second part of my answer is aimed at this: the majority of parents today are quite pedagogical in their thinking. Especially when it comes to certain parenting techniques and measures, parents today are much more competent than previous generations.

What has not developed to the same extent, however, is knowledge about certain developmental phases. This tends to be underdeveloped and this results in some difficulties in the parent-child relationship.

Do you have an example?

Let's take the aggression issues that arise between the ages of six and ten. Many parents assume that they have done something wrong in their child's upbringing and perhaps taught rules too softly. Or they believe that their child has an unfavourable temperament and is a «tantrum-prone» child. In reality, the anger is just the child's declaration of independence.

Children need unsupervised freedom, but clear rules and routines that give them security.

Just like before with tantrums or later in puberty, it is about separating from the parents. In order to discover the world, children have to break away. They discover caregivers of the same age. They discover other values, other ways of thinking. This opens up their horizons, but also scares them.

These discoveries therefore often give rise to contradictory feelings. If parents are aware of this, they can deal with it in a more relaxed way. During this time, children need unsupervised freedom, but clear rules and routines that give them security.

In everyday stress, the relaxed reaction often doesn't work despite all the realisation. The child's tantrum is followed by the parent's tantrum. Bad?

No. A father or mother is not a pedagogical machine. You are also a human being with all the feelings that make up being human. It is important to accept this for yourself. At the end of the day, you can also talk to your child about the day in a kind of bedtime ritual and ask: How was it for you today? Then you can also articulate what you yourself felt, what was good and what you would perhaps have liked to have done differently.

In critical situations, many parents reassure themselves by saying «It's just a phase, it will pass».

But that is only partly true. Development is not a constant upward movement. Let's take the example of separation anxiety: when a child goes out into the world and discovers something new, whether it's learning to walk, starting nursery school or going on their first holiday camp, they have to let go of familiar things. This often brings up feelings of insecurity and fears that parents thought were a thing of the past. Suddenly the child is crying again on the threshold of kindergarten, suddenly the school starter is coming back into the parents' bedroom at night.

Is that problematic?

When I was trained in the 1970s, regression was seen as something problematic. We now know that such supposed regressions are completely normal. Separation anxiety occurs in adolescence, during puberty and also in adulthood.

Naturally, you then want to be close to the people and the environment that have given you strength up to now. It is no coincidence that many children seek contact with their grandparents during critical phases of development. They are their roots. They also provide support during emotional storms.

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