Ms Jung Strub, children with ADHD often manage to keep their composure at school – but at home, the tension builds up. What is the best way for parents to deal with emotional outbursts?
If a child comes home feeling irritable, they don't want to be spoken to, they don't want to argue – they don't want anything at all. In that case, it's best to let them vent their frustration in peace first.
What if doors slam?
That's all part of it – and parents just have to put up with it. Shouting and arguing won't help at that moment, because the child isn't listening. Once they've calmed down, parents can talk about what happened: «What made you feel frustrated?» or «What can we do differently next time?».
Children with ADHD hear so much negative feedback about themselves that it's perfectly fine to go a bit over the top with praise.
And what if the child still doesn't want to speak?
In that case, parents should press the issue and insist on a change. They need to come up with strategies – and this often requires a conversation.
But in some situations, mums and dads simply can't wait for the anger to blow over. For example, when a child in a tantrum hits their sibling.
You're right. In that case, it's essential to step in and put a stop to it. But afterwards, a clarifying conversation is essential. Generally speaking, it's important for these children to hear something positive and be praised in other situations that are going well. They're confronted with negative comments so often that you can easily go a bit over the top with your praise: «Hey, brilliant, you helped me set the table!»
How else can you encourage the child in a positive way?
First and foremost, praise should be specific and describe exactly what it is about the child's behaviour that stands out as positive. So rather than simply saying «Well done!», say «Well done for setting the table today». Parents can also show their appreciation through specific actions, such as cooking the child's favourite meal.
Let's talk about school. How can parents help reduce the pressure to perform?
The pressure to perform is a major problem. As part of an ADHD assessment, an IQ test is also carried out. If the result is high, parents feel they must meet societal expectations and send their child to a grammar school. As a result, many children do not enjoy going to school. When parents then tell them, «You have to perform!», this attitude only puts the child under even more pressure.
What are the consequences?
Children who feel they cannot meet the demands react with frustration, and their self-esteem continues to decline. In the worst-case scenario, this can lead to depression.
What advice would you give to parents?
The pressure to perform can be reduced by reaching agreements with teachers. Once the child has been assessed, they are also entitled to what is known as «compensation for disadvantage». This helps them to perform at a level appropriate to their abilities, at least up to Year 9.
A child who is lost in thought needs plenty of support in the mornings. Parents should get up an hour earlier to get ready.
Where can parents talk to other parents in the same situation?
The Elpos ADHD support centre runs discussion groups where mums and dads can share their experiences. This is how they learn the most about ADHD/ADD. There is little information to be found in books. The «by those affected, for those affected» approach seems more helpful. Parents understand one another and know what the other parents are talking about when they share their experiences. They recognise the situation and can therefore help others too, sharing strategies that have helped them.
Family meals often end in chaos when there is a child with ADHD.
That's true. Hyperactive children often stand out in this setting because they disrupt the class; in particular, by chattering constantly, so that no one else gets a chance to speak. In such cases, it can help to introduce rules, even unconventional ones. For example, parents could place a stone on the table: whoever is holding the stone gets to speak. This method works for some, but not for others. It is therefore advisable to try out different approaches.
What is the difference between ADD and ADHD?
- ADS: Children with this condition are inattentive, but not impulsive or hyperactive. They are more prone to depression, as they tend to be quieter.
- ADHD: These children are inattentive, impulsive and hyperactive. They are often very loud and talk during lessons. They may also stand up when it is not appropriate to do so. These children have poor impulse control.
What can parents do about sleep problems?
This varies greatly from child to child and also depends on whether the child is taking ADHD medication or not. As a general rule, children with ADHD should not watch television or use any other digital media after 6 pm. However, this doesn't usually work in practice. That's why establishing an evening routine is key. You could have a cup of tea together, read a bedtime story, or listen to an audiobook to help them fall asleep. This helps the children wind down.
And what if none of that works?
Some children respond well to essential oils, which can be used to massage their calves. Alternatively, you could spray some lavender spray onto their pillow. Patience is key here too: you should stick with this approach for two to three weeks and only try something else if there is no improvement. Of course, children should be involved in the decision. Most children prefer the traditional approach and fall asleep best with stories.
Children who struggle to focus find it hard to get going in the morning. They daydream and dawdle – until Mum or Dad loses their patience. What can be done?
Good organisation and preparation. And this starts the night before: the child should choose their own clothes for the next day, lay them out, and pack their school things. This boosts their sense of self-efficacy. The family should also discuss who eats breakfast when. This helps avoid arguments between siblings in the morning. Visual aids work best, such as writing everything down or drawing it out. This preparation the night before reduces stress enormously.
And then?
A child who is easily distracted needs plenty of guidance in the morning. It is advisable for parents to get up an hour before waking the children so they can get ready. They should then lay everything out for the child. As soon as the child is up, you can help them by giving instructions using the «we» form, for example: «Come on, let's put your jumper on» or «Come on, let's go and brush our teeth together».
Points of contact
- Elpos: elpos.ch
- ADHD Parents' Group, Eastern Switzerland (Frauenfeld/Romanshorn)
- Basel University Psychiatric Clinics: Support groups for parents of children with ADHD
- Counselling «For the Child» (individual or group): fuerdaskind.ch/beratung/angebot
That sounds like a lot of work.
That may well be true. But the point is to reduce the stress parents themselves experience. I often make plans with the parents and reorganise their morning routine. In 90 per cent of cases, getting up early is part of this. So the parents are the first to get up an hour earlier, get themselves ready, and remind the child every 5 to 10 minutes during that hour that they need to get up soon.
Time and again, I find that parents come to me after two weeks and say that it's not working and that they're just feeling even more stressed. But children with ADHD need at least 20 to 30 repetitions before a change takes effect. Of course, there are also quick learners who only need 10 repetitions. But in most cases, patience is required.
What if the parents have ADHD themselves?
If the parents themselves have ADHD, establishing a routine can help them too. If the father or mother has not been diagnosed, they can take charge of the morning routine. However, if both parents have ADHD, they need to speak to a specialist who can help them draw up a plan that works for them.
Lena Keller and Majlinda Lecaj conducted the interview with Anita Jung Strub as part of their speech therapy studies at the Intercantonal University of Special Education in Zurich.
