The path to inner strength

Hello Stefanie ..." sang my grandfather at the top of his voice every time I rang the doorbell. He was so cheerful, regardless of whether it was us grandchildren, the postman or children from the neighbourhood. Everyone was welcome and infected by his irrepressible zest for life. When I told him that I was now learning French at school, he replied: «Ah, vous parlez français, mademoiselle!» and spoke to me fluently. It was mostly everyday occurrences that revealed fragments of his life story. When I asked in amazement how he knew French, he said: «It's a long story.»

He stroked his bald head with scattered tufts of white hair, which was bumpy and scarred from the shrapnel that could not be removed, and talked about the war and captivity: the many years he spent in prisoner-of-war camps on the Italian-French border, the minefields they had to clear and the young men around him who died from explosions, froze to death or starved to death.

The emergence of health

Whenever I read something about resilience (see box below), I think of him. His resilience, his optimism, his level-headedness and his ability to rejoice in seemingly small things. Where did he get this unbroken will to live and his cheerfulness from?

Since the Second World War, psychology has been concerned with the question of how we stay healthy, what protects us when dealing with stress and how we achieve well-being. Aaron Antonovsky was the first to deal with the «development of health». He studied Holocaust survivors and explored the question of why some of the people who survived the horrors of the concentration camps managed to lead happy lives despite these experiences.

His research showed that these people perceived the world as comprehensible and meaningful and themselves as effective. A few years later, many of his findings were confirmed by a new branch of research.

In 1955, developmental psychologist Emmy Werner and her colleague Ruth Smith began a ground-breaking study. She followed the entire 1955 birth cohort on the island of Kauai, a total of 698 children, over several decades.

She found that around a third of children who had to grow up under the most difficult conditions developed positively despite all the adversity. She described children who grew up to be mentally healthy adults despite extreme poverty, alcohol or drug addicted parents or broken family relationships as resilient.

Resilient children and young people have a strong sense of self-awareness.

Other researchers joined this trend, conducted a large number of studies and found several factors that strengthen children, adolescents and adults in dealing with stress. While these areas of research looked at the question of how we can deal with stress and strain, positive psychology and happiness research are concerned with the question of how we can lead a successful life and increase our well-being and health.

We would like to present some of the findings from this research landscape that will make it easier for you to prepare your children for life, strengthen their resilience and lay the foundations for a happy life.

Firstly, we would like to mention a key finding of resilience research: almost every resilient child had at least one adult carer who provided them with love and security. This was frequently a parent, but often also close relatives or a teacher.

The characteristics described below presuppose such a stable relationship and develop in an exchange between the child, caregiver and environment.

Self-awareness and self-control

Am I aware of my thoughts and feelings? Can I express and reflect on them? Resilient children and young people have a well-developed sense of self-awareness. They don't just feel bad: they know whether they are sad, angry, disappointed or just in a bad mood. As a result, they not only know themselves better, but can also «read» the feelings and moods of others better and react appropriately. At the same time, they can regulate their feelings.

This means that they are not at the mercy of their emotions, but know ways to influence their feelings. This means, for example, that they can refrain from hitting another child despite being angry. They can overcome their fears, stay on a task even though they don't feel like it or calm themselves down. A child is more likely to acquire these skills if they have adults around them who support them:

• talk about your own feelings.
• help him to express his feelings.
• set an example of how to deal competently with emotions.

The ability to recognise and deal with feelings develops over many small everyday situations: Let's say a child was treated unfairly by a teacher at school. He or she had to endure an uneducational comment or was graded unfairly. What would a reaction look like in which a child can learn to express their feelings and deal with them?

The resilience researcher Klaus Fröhlich-Gildhoff distinguishes between three possible responses, only one of which makes sense:

• Some parents want to comfort the child by dismissing the problem as a trivial matter: «It's not that bad.» This harbours the risk that the child will not feel taken seriously. Over time, they may no longer trust their own feelings or prefer to keep them to themselves.
• It is similarly unfavourable if the parents are overwhelmed by their own feelings and are therefore no longer able to look after the child. This would be the case, for example, if they become so angry that they take control and immediately call the teacher or go to the school. Sometimes, difficulties that previously seemed manageable for the child are exaggerated by the parents to such an extent that they suddenly seem insurmountable.
• It would be helpful if the parents just listened to the child at first: What exactly happened? How did it make you feel? They can mirror the child's feelings: «That must have really annoyed you.»

But how can we stay with the child in such situations instead of losing ourselves in our own feelings? Perhaps it helps if we share our emotions with the child: «That's annoying me too!» The thought that we don't have to do anything straight away also has a calming effect.

We can concentrate on being there for our child, listening and thinking together with them about how they want to deal with the situation. This will show whether they want any further help from us and if so, in what form.

Taking care of the child's emotions

When working with parents, we have learnt time and again that it is relieving for both child and parents if parents initially focus exclusively on the child's feelings and do not think about a solution.

When we feel strong unpleasant emotions such as anger, rage, disappointment or fear, a specific area in our brain is active: the amygdala. When this area fires, brain activity in our prefrontal cortex, the seat of our conscious thinking, decreases.

The better a child knows what is good for them, the easier it is for them to find a good way of dealing with difficult feelings.

However, it is precisely this area that we need in order to come up with a solution. In this state, even ideas and proposed solutions from outside will not find favour: You are talking to a brick wall. Regardless of whether the person you are talking to is a child or an adult.

However, parents can ask their child what would be good for them right now and reassure them that they will work with them to find a solution as soon as they feel a little better: «We'll do something. But for now, let's cook and eat. And after dinner, we'll think about what we can do.»

What helps when you're stressed?

When my wife comes home and is disappointed or angry, she appreciates it if I listen to her for half an hour and perhaps think with her about how she could react. I, on the other hand, would like to be able to briefly say how I feel - and then not have to talk about it.

A glass of wine and a good film are just the thing for me when I'm frustrated. I'm happy to find a solution the next day, if that's still necessary.

What is good for you when you are stressed? What does your partner need when he or she is frustrated or disappointed? What helps your children when they are sad? The more precisely individual family members know what needs the others have, the better they can support each other.

The better a child knows what is good for them, the easier it is for them to find a good way of dealing with difficult feelings. Perhaps these questions will make for exciting conversation during an excursion, a train journey or a hike?

Self-confidence and problem-solving skills

Resilience is not an innate characteristic. It develops over time as the child engages with its environment. Our «psychological immune system» only strengthens when it is activated from time to time, when there are challenges that mobilise our powers of resistance.

Every problem a child is confronted with is also an opportunity to develop skills in dealing with problems, gain self-confidence and experience themselves as effective. Once a child has successfully overcome a burden or solved a problem, it emerges stronger from the experience.

Resilient children regulate their feelings. They are not simply at the mercy of their emotions, but can influence their feelings.

This is the only way for a child to develop a realistic, positive expectation that they will be able to overcome future difficulties. What does this mean for us as parents or teachers? Studies on resilience have repeatedly shown that the caregivers who shaped the resilient children not only showed the child love and appreciation, but also challenged them and gave them confidence.

If a child feels that they are too stupid or can't do something, they don't need «You can do it!» slogans or someone to take everything off their hands, but adults who can put up with the child's insecurity and have the patience to look for a solution with them.

Develop goals and a plan

Here, too, it is helpful to first mirror the child's feelings: «This seems like a huge mountain to you at the moment» or «You can't imagine that you will ever be able to do this». Children develop problem-solving skills when we help them to deal with a task calmly: «Come on, let's read through the task now», «Do you know what you have to do?», «What did you understand about it? ».

We can make him aware of the current situation and help him to develop goals and a plan. Perhaps your daughter has fallen out with her best friend? This is a wonderful opportunity to practise social skills and learn that conflicts can be resolved.

The parents could say: «When you have a fight like this, you often have the feeling that it will never be good again. You know, I think it's just as difficult for Amelie as it is for you. And I think that after the initial anger, she would like to make up with you again. Shall we think about how you can work things out?»

Children develop problem-solving skills and self-confidence when they receive help, but only as little as necessary - in line with Maria Montessori's motto «Help me to do it myself». Whenever your child has managed to solve a problem, you can talk to them about how they did it.

This will help them to become aware of useful strategies and memorise them for future occasions. Over time, they will feel equipped to deal with an ever-increasing range of challenges. However, dealing with problems not only influences self-efficacy, but also shapes personality.

In the face of life's minor and major adversities, we often have little choice but to practise important virtues such as perseverance, mental strength, patience and helpfulness. From time to time, we can take a look back with children and young people at the moments when they have grown as individuals. They often realise that they have already overcome some hurdles and that they now have more strength and inner fortitude than they may have previously assumed.

Resilience is not innate. It develops as the child engages with its environment.

In our culture, optimists are often considered unrealistic and naive. When we spoke in one of our seminars about how important it is for children to develop an optimistic attitude, one mother replied: «I see it differently. I have to prepare my child for reality! If you assume the worst and prepare yourself inwardly for the fact that the world is unfair and that other people will take advantage of you if you're too nice to them, you'll be better off and less likely to be disappointed!» The latter is definitely not the case.

People who assume that the world is bad and fear deep down that a bleak future lies ahead of them and their children end up making things worse for themselves and their families. Those who approach life with a pessimistic attitude automatically focus their attention on all aspects that correspond to this attitude: the «mean child» in the playground, the school friend who blurts out a secret, the inconsiderate older pupils who claim part of the playground for themselves, the unfair teacher, the strict sports coach.

Fit and happy thanks to optimism

All these experiences become a confirmation of how bad and unfair the world is. Those who go through life with these spectacles experience negative feelings longer and more strongly. And they miss out on the many moments when other children are helpful, friendly or loyal, when the teachers engage with the child in an appreciative way and the strict sports coach ensures that the child can be happy about their progress by providing clear rules and feedback.

Moments that create positive feelings fade into the background, while negative feelings such as anger, resentment, envy or disappointment are fuelled. Research paints a clear picture: people with healthy optimism live longer, are physically fitter, have happier relationships and are more successful.

If you focus on what you have, you will always end up with more than you had before.

Oprah Winfrey, talk show host

Optimism does not mean naïve positive thinking, but the conviction that life is worth living, that it has many beautiful things in store and that crises and difficulties can be overcome. But how can families become more optimistic? When it comes to this question, it is almost impossible to avoid gratitude.

The well-known talk show host Oprah Winfrey, who grew up in abject poverty as a child and experienced sexual abuse, writes about this: Keeping a gratitude journal «was the most important step I've taken in my entire life. No matter what's going on in your life right now. If you focus on what you have, you will always end up with more than you had before. If you focus on what you don't have, you will never, never, never have enough.»

The Morand family (interviewed here) also actively endeavoured to cultivate a ritual of gratitude in the family during their difficult phase of life. Before Christmas, the home was decorated with notes on which Georges and his children wrote what they were grateful for despite all the difficulties.

As parents, we can guide our children to pause from time to time and savour the moment. We can take time with them to be grateful for all the good things that we sometimes take for granted.

When we ourselves or our children have to cope with a stroke of fate or a difficult life situation, it is not easy to look to the future with optimism. Sometimes we find comfort and new confidence in the stories of people who have had to go through something similar.

Time and again, we come across inspiring biographies of individuals who have managed to lead happy and successful lives despite a difficult past. By sharing such examples with troubled young people, we give them a little hope that misfortune does not necessarily have to be permanent.