«The grief for Daddy is changing. It's less intense now»

Protecting the children and being honest at the same time - that was always a huge balancing act for me," says Annyett König. The Bernese has been working in a paediatric intensive care unit for 18 years. There, she has seen how many services there are for adults who accompany a sick and dying relative and how few for children. Annyett König trained as a family bereavement counsellor in 2015 and founded the association «familientrauerbegleitung.ch» together with four other women.

The aim of the organisation is to provide every affected child and young person and their parents throughout Switzerland with individual professional support during their time of grief. «At the time, I didn't realise how important this would become for me.» Her husband Christian was diagnosed with mucosal cancer and died in August 2017.

«Dad said the cancer was in my throat. I always thought that was funny and asked myself why he didn't just crawl out of there or why we didn't get him out,» says Aline. The eight-year-old and her twelve-year-old brother Rafael experienced their father's death very consciously.

Valuable discussions arise when the children are involved in the decisions.

Annyett König

Annyett König recalls the long discussions she had with friends, acquaintances and her family about the question: When do we tell the children? When do we tell them that their dad won't get better?

«My husband wanted to protect them, but I always said: they need lead time to be able to enjoy the time with their father and ask all the questions that are on their minds,» says Annyett König. «At some point, I sensed that the moment had arrived.»

The family experiences the last few months as a quartet very intensively, travelling to Mexico once again and spending holidays together. Rafael tinkers with model cars with his father, a great passion of Christian, who also has a car racing track with his son. Their last project together was a rescue helicopter.

On dark days, all four of them cry together - and defy life to find a little joy. «We put on our sunglasses so that no one could see that we were crying and drove to the petrol station in our pyjamas to buy ice cream,» says Aline and everyone laughs. There are many such fond memories of her father. Even of the time after his death. The day, for example, when family and friends painted the coffin in the garden: with a Scottish flag, a motorbike, a heart and the outline of his own hands.

«We were also allowed to help screw the coffin shut,» says Rafael. The urn for dad was made by all three of them together and features a large salamander, their family pet. «It was a sad and yet very beautiful day,» remembers Annyett König, «and I realised time and again what valuable conversations can arise when you involve the children in the decisions. »

«Born to live»

Aline and Rafael each chose a song for the funeral service, Aline chose a song by Züri West, Rafael chose «Geboren, um zu leben» by Unheilig. Looking back, says Annyett König, she sometimes wonders how it all worked out. A terminally ill husband whom she cared for at home, two school-age children and her work at the hospital. Not to mention her own needs.

The breakdown came after Christian died. Exhaustion set in when she let go. It took her months to regain her footing and only now did the grief really set in.

«This huge despair when I realise that he will really never come back.» She had to learn to ask for help and has learnt many new things. For example, she can now put up lamps. The help of the family bereavement counsellors was invaluable. Even when Christian was still alive, but his death was foreseeable, and afterwards too. «There was always someone there. They regularly checked in and asked questions, did things with the children - that was invaluable,» says Annyett König.

The breakdown came after Christian died. Exhaustion set in when he let go.

Aline and Rafael now attend a forest children's grief group. Rafael and Aline say that their grief has changed. «It's less intense now, but I still cry from time to time,» says Aline. Then she cuddles with her mum and hugs her daddy: Annyett König gave her children a cushion with a photo of their father for Christmas.

Incidentally, he still had a mission to fulfil after his death, says Rafael: «Mummy told Daddy shortly before he died that he should keep looking for the football god until he found him. Then he should tell him that Young Boys should finally win the championship again after 32 years. And he did it!»