The great helplessness without a mobile phone
A few weeks ago, a mum came up to me at the front of the desk after my presentation on smartphone use. «Whenever I want to take my daughters' mobile phones away, they want me to tell them what to do instead,» she said, pointing to the two 16-year-old twins behind her. It's not unusual for parents to bring their children and teenagers to my evening lectures. The mothers and fathers often hope that the Berlin expert will give their offspring a good talking-to about their media behaviour.
«I have no idea what to say to my girls then,» the mum continued. «At their age, I can't still be responsible if they don't know what to do with themselves.» But is that true? Does the mum really not have to make any more offers to her teenage children, perhaps because the train has long since left the station anyway?
It is true that many children and young people are at a loss without their mobile phones and find it difficult to find something else to do. The device and its many functions have become too ingrained in their lives. Some young people have even referred to their mobile phones as their «third hand» when talking to me. Minecraft and Fortnite, Tiktok and Instagram, Netflix and YouTube or even communication via WhatsApp are always just a quick tap away. Added to this is the pressure from the age group to always be reachable and approachable.
The double-edged calm with mobile phones
Shouldn't we adults therefore be much more understanding of how much more difficult it has become for children today to allow boredom? Sure, we all know the positive and much-vaunted qualities of boredom. It is well known that it can stimulate the creativity and imagination of children and young people, help them to find solutions independently and thus strengthen their resilience. However, it is also no secret that pure boredom has also given rise to some very stupid ideas that have led to property damage or accidents, among other things.
So if we adults are aware of all this, why don't we make more active offers to our children?
Possibly because it's a gradual process. When our children were still very small and young, we always felt suspicious of silence. If we didn't hear a sound from them, we decided we'd better have a look. Today, we have perhaps become too accustomed to this silence when children retreat to their rooms with their smartphones. At first glance at least, this has its positive aspects for everyone involved. Children and young people can indulge in their digital activities undisturbed. And for parents, it is quite relaxing in their hectic everyday lives - between work, household chores and other demands - when their children are busy.
Do more with the children
There is nothing wrong with any of this as long as it happens occasionally and is the exception rather than the rule. But if this inattention becomes permanent, media use becomes an educational grey area. What is particularly disconcerting is that we then blame the children when they find it difficult to detach themselves from their mobile phones.
Incidentally, this phenomenon is by no means new. Even before the era of smartphones, children and young people spent too much time on computers and games consoles. Anyone who was upset about the excessive media use of young people back then, and still is today, is misjudging the situation. Years ago, I asked Remo Largo about this topic and he had very clear words to say. «It's devastating,» explained the famous paediatrician and bestselling author, «because we have to think about what the children could have been doing instead. This raises the question of why parents didn't do something with their children. This discussion is much more relevant than criticising the media. Why don't parents have time, why don't they want to spend time with their children?»
It is important to take the children's interests into account when organising excursions together. A stamp exhibition is probably not one of them.
I never understood this statement as a scolding of parents, but rather as a wake-up call to become active and show children opportunities. For example, we can support them more in their interests, even if we can do little or nothing with them. But regular joint activities such as excursions, sports or a joint craft project are also conceivable. Such activities not only provide a good mental and physical balance, but also strengthen communication within the family. They create space for dialogue and thus strengthen the bond.
This is certainly easier with younger children, who still have a great urge to move and are easier to inspire. In puberty, on the other hand, our offers are quickly dismissed as lame and boring. However, we parents should not let this impress us. The only important thing is to take the children's interests into account when organising joint activities and not drag them to - no offence intended - an exhibition for philatelists.
It needs places to run around
However, making offers to children is not just a task for us parents. There is also a task for society and communities. Where are the places today where children can meet each other? «If we want to start getting kids off the Internet,» says New York Times columnist Michelle Goldberg in her latest article, «we need to give them better places to go instead.»
Because it is by no means the case that all children prefer to be glued to their screens rather than roaming around outside. If you don't believe it, you should visit a playground or sports ground equipped for ten-year-olds on a free afternoon. Everyone there is jumping, running and climbing around without even glancing at their mobile phones for a second.
Conclusion: Children are dependent on our help in regulating their media use. Jointly agreed rules are not enough. That's why we need to make them offers. The earlier, the better and for as long as possible.
