Talking to children about fears
The most important information
Nicole doesn't want to go to a classmate's birthday party. Jonas is afraid of the trip to Alpamare to which he has been invited by a friend and his parents. When children are afraid of a situation, parents often try to give advice. But well-intentioned is not necessarily well done. Fabian Grolimund uses two examples to show how parents can be empathetic and supportive to their child, recognise the underlying fears and make an offer that gives the child security.
Important: The psychologist also considers the question «Why does this scare you?» to be unsuitable for helping the child. There is often no logical argument to justify the fear. Such questioning can lead to the child shutting themselves off. You can find out what you should ask your child instead in the full text.
A tip from the author:
Watch your child closely as you find a solution together. In this way, you can react directly to any emerging tension and calm your child down.
Get more useful tips from Fabian Grolimund in this article. The psychologist and father of two knows how you can relieve your child's anxiety or at least reduce it.
As parents, we often want to give our child relief as quickly as possible by giving advice or arguing against the child's anxiety. However, this makes it impossible for the child to listen to themselves and tell us what is really bothering them: Mum: «... now just tell us what's wrong!»
Nicole: «What do I do if nobody wants to play with me at the party?»
Mum: «Florian wouldn't invite you if he didn't like you.»
Nicole: «The whole class is invited ...»
Mum: «Then Sabrina and Mahide are there too - and you get on well with them. How do you expect to make friends if you hide away in your shell?»
It is helpful if we see ourselves as explorers or discoverers at such times, exploring the child's emotional world together with them. In doing so, you can end up in places and see things that are unpleasant. This is when the desire to «sort things out» with a tip becomes all the stronger. If we can resist this urge and continue to listen openly, we will learn more.
Nicole: «What do I do if I'm there and nobody wants to play with me?»
Mum: «Hm ... Why do you think Florian invited you?»
Nicole: «Everyone is invited - I'm sure his mum said he had to invite the whole class.»
Mum:: «Sabrina and Mahide are also coming in this case?»
Nicole: «Yes ...»
Mum: «You're still afraid that you'll end up alone?»
Nicole: «Sabrina and Mahide have the same route to school as me - but you know, when we're at school, I'm not really part of it - then they're with Jessica and Svetlana.»
Resist the urge to refute your child's fears with «good arguments».
We parents are constantly making assumptions about our children's world and usually think we have a pretty good picture. Nicole's mum, for example, assumed that her daughter was well integrated in the class and that Sabrina and Mahide were reliable friends of her daughter. It took a sympathetic ear and the assumption that «my child wouldn't develop a stomach ache if there wasn't a good reason for it» to make her realise that her child was quite isolated.
We should also observe our child closely when finding a solution and ask more closely if there are signs of tension: Mum: «Hm ... you don't have to go there. But maybe it will be nice and you'll get to know the others better. What would help you to go? You could tell Florian's mum that you want to go home - then I'll pick you up straight away.»
Nicole: «Yes ...»
Mum: «Doesn't convince you, does it?»
Nicole: «When she talks to the others in the class, it gets really embarrassing.»
Mother: «What if you take Dad's mobile phone with you? Then you sneak to the loo, text me and I'll pick you up straight away?»
Nicole: «I think that would be good.»
Fears are not rational
Sometimes we also succumb to the misconception that we can explain away other people's fears with well-founded arguments. However, this only means that the child no longer talks about their fears. Many fears are irrational - but that doesn't make them any less real. We can give the arachnophobe as much evidence as we like that spiders are harmless. They will say yes to all of this - and still be afraid.
There is therefore one question we should not ask: «Why does that scare you?» Children - and adults too - are unnecessarily put on the spot when asked this question. A better question is: «What could happen?»
Ask «What could happen?» instead of «Why does that scare you?».
Jonas, seven years old, was invited to Alpamare by his friend and his friend's parents. He had been unable to sleep for a fortnight before the visit. His father managed to get a better idea of what his child was afraid of with this question: Dad: «Hey ... it's really scaring you, this Alpamare visit, huh?»
Jonas: «...»
Father: «If you don't know something yet, it can scare you. What do you think could happen?»
Jonas: «Tanja said that someone once spiked out of the bend on the slide ...»
Father: «I don't know if the story is true. But it's clear that it worries you. What else have you heard about Alpamare?»
Jonas: «There's a bath with huge waves!»
Father: «Yes, the wave pool ... you find that scary ...»
Jonas: «Yes, what if the waves go over my head and submerge me?»
Father: «You know what? The two of us will just go this weekend and take a look at the whole thing in peace. If it scares you, we'll go back and find an excuse so you don't have to go. Agreed?»
With this in mind, Jonas was ready to explore the adventure pool. His father took him to the edge of the wave pool, where Jonas soon realised that «the heads were floating above the waves». He wanted to use the slides when he saw that younger children also had fun on them. His father was also able to allay his fears by realising as he watched: «Aha, if you want to slide down slowly, you have to sit up straight - and if you want it to go really fast, you can lie on your back.» Jonas initially opted for the safe method and became more courageous with each game.
A good conversation about fear
- Fragen Sie bei Ängsten nicht nach dem «Warum». Kinder fühlen sich dadurch unter Druck gesetzt, ihre Ängste erklären oder rechtfertigen zu müssen.
- Die Frage «Was könnte da passieren?» und ein offenes Ohr helfen Kindern dabei, ihre Ängste genauer zu beschreiben.
- Die Frage «Was würde dir helfen?» ist eine Ermutigung, sich mit der Situation auseinanderzusetzen. Das Angebot, das Kind zu begleiten und zu unterstützen, wirkt mehr als gute Argumente.
