Suddenly Dad was no longer ill, but dead

It was one sentence that turned Claudia Conradin and her husband Ingo's world upside down: «There's something in your head that doesn't belong there,» said the doctor. That was at the end of October 2004, but Claudia Conradin can remember that day as if it were yesterday. Their son Endrik was just five months old and the couple's biggest worry until then had been the sleep deprivation typical of young parents.

The doctors gave Ingo two months to live, as a malignant brain tumour the size of a mandarin orange had spread to his brain. Claudia Conradin and her husband fought - with success. The tumour was only the size of a pin when their daughter Kyra was born a good two years later. The Conradins led a completely normal family life with two small children - until the disease returned six years after the first diagnosis. This time the cancer was victorious and Ingo died in November 2011.

Daddy liked to be silly, it was always fun with him.

Kyra

«This,» says Endrik, who is now fourteen years old, cradling a pocket knife in his hand, «was a present from my dad.» Shortly before his death, Ingo wanted his son to have the knife that he had used to carve so many sticks for him and that was always with him when travelling.

They travelled a lot together. Kyra, now eleven years old, shows a photo album. In a canoe, on the mountain, three smiling faces at the campsite: Ingo with his children.

«Dad liked to be silly, it was fun with him,» says Kyra. She was just under five years old when her father died, and as a farewell gift she placed roses and a few pictures she had painted herself on his stomach. She had a framed picture of Ingo in her room for a long time.

Three years ago, when the neighbour walked down the street, one daughter on her left and one on her right, Kyra got really angry. How could it be that these girls still had a dad, but hers was gone? At every school party, when romping in the garden, in the evening when falling asleep - the daddy is missing. What could help?

«Talk about it, preferably with good friends,» recommends Kyra. She did this right from the start. Immediately after the death, she told all the adults that her father's body would be cremated. In the kindergarten, the teachers set up a small altar especially for her with a photo of her father and a candle. Whenever she was sad, she could go there. «You should ask the grown-ups all the questions you have,» says Kyra, «then you know more and are less afraid.»

«I just want to be treated normally»

The thing that helps Kyra, socialising with friends, is something that Endrik doesn't like. When he arrived at his new school, he didn't tell anyone that his father had died. «I just want to be treated normally,» he says, explaining his decision.

Of course Claudia Conradin was worried. Was he repressing death? Endrik shakes his head vigorously. «No, I just don't want to talk about it with everyone.» At home, he talks about the memories of his father.

If you are sad, you should be allowed to be sad.

Endrik

The two of them did a lot of things together, often travelling by bike and running the Bern Grand Prix together. Endrik opened the door for his grandad when he came home from the palliative care unit in November 2011: "Grandad looked like that, so I knew straight away that Dad had died. "

It was a matter of course for everyone that the children were able to say goodbye. Claudia Conradin explains that there was no fear of contact at all. Endrik and Kyra stroked their dead father, kissed him goodbye and placed a large soft toy in his arms, which they loved so much.

Suddenly Dad was no longer ill, but dead. Simply gone. And he would never come back. Comprehending the incomprehensible was a challenge that the three remaining family members dealt with in very different ways. Kyra went through all the emotions, was angry with the whole world at times and struggled with her fate. Endrik found help from a grief counsellor, who sometimes simply went into the woods with him and listened to him a lot.

Claudia Conradin has written down her experiences with her husband's illness in a very touching book. Today, she accompanies people in similar crisis situations with her company «Reality Riders». What helped everyone back then: crying. «When you're sad, you should be allowed to be sad,» says Endrik.

Even seven years after his father's death, he is still present in the family. They tell each other stories about him and wonder what he thought of this or that. «But you also have to focus on the good things in life,» says Kyra, «and even if it hurts sometimes: just get on with life.»