Siblings - The longest relationship in life

Like the relationship between parents and their children, sibling relationships are a lifelong bond. You don't choose your siblings. They are and remain a part of your own history and that of your family. Siblings are therefore special people in a person's life. The relationship between siblings is characterised by strong feelings: they love and hate each other. They trust each other and the next moment they are the biggest rivals. They compare themselves and are jealous.

Siblings can give you a feeling of togetherness, they are playmates, but they can also be a source of conflict. Even if siblings have difficulties with each other: They still stand up for each other to the outside world.

Formative relationship with room for manoeuvre

Brothers and sisters influence each other at least as much as they are influenced by their parents. However, compared to the relationship between parents and children, the relationship between siblings is freer and less regulated. This offers room for manoeuvre - in both positive and negative ways. While parents often give in to a request, plea or demand and try to give the child what it needs, siblings can react very stubbornly and with equal rights. Especially if the age gap is not too great.

Siblings can learn a lot from each other in these everyday disputes: how to communicate clearly, negotiate and resolve conflicts. When dealing with each other, they practise the interplay between giving in and asserting themselves. They also learn that you can like each other even if your sibling disagrees with you and has different preferences and characteristics. And that these relationships nevertheless remain stable.

Siblings are a resilience factor that can help through difficult times.

Studies show that siblings can provide each other with strong support, especially in critical life situations. They are a resilience factor that can help through difficult times.

However, difficult sibling relationships can also damage the soul. If the sibling dispute escalates permanently and over a longer period of time, this can have serious health consequences.

Being regularly tormented by siblings, experiencing being ignored, being told lies, having nasty things said about you and not being protected leads to an increased risk of suffering from mental health problems such as depression, anxiety disorders or self-harming behaviour. It is therefore worthwhile for parents to take care of this very special relationship constellation and encourage it.

Position battles in the family

Every child is different and has their own personal strengths and weaknesses. That's why siblings also differ from each other. And siblings don't always love each other, even if we expect them to love each other.

If the children's personalities are very different, arguments are also an expression of the fact that the children still have to learn to deal with each other's ways. Quarrels between children are often about position in the family and about rivalry, being right and justice. Behind this lies the basic need to be noticed, loved and recognised, to have one's place and to be safe. Everyone, whether big or small, wants to be seen and recognised. A sibling can jeopardise this place in the child's perception under certain circumstances.

Depending on their age, temperament and condition, children need different parental care and education.

The parents often play a decisive role in sibling disputes: it's about their approval, their support, their goodwill. Every child wants to feel important and to be accepted for who they are. Children can become unhappy and grumpy if they feel they are getting less attention from their parents than they need or their sibling is getting. If children feel that they are being treated unfairly and that they are not getting enough attention, this can lead to overt or covert aggression towards the sibling.

Problems can also arise if parents only pay attention to the child when it is loud, disruptive and aggressive. There is a risk that the child will learn that they simply have to be loud and whinge in order to be noticed. The following four tips can help to strengthen the sibling relationship.

4 tips to help parents strengthen the sibling relationship

1st tip: Exercise justice

For many parents, it is a great challenge to cater for several children at the same time. However, equality does not necessarily mean that every child receives the same thing. In this sense, fairness means that each child is treated individually, taking into account how they are doing, what they can do or still need to learn. Children need different parental attention and education depending on their age, temperament and condition.

If it is explained to the children why one child may be treated differently to the other in certain situations, children can usually understand this well. If one of the children is generally favoured, jealousy in the sibling is inevitable and understandable.

2nd tip: Understand the reason for a dispute

If children are constantly arguing, it is worth taking a close look at the situations in which they argue, what they are arguing about and how the argument ends. Not everything that children do is out of jealousy. Perhaps the child is just bored. What better way to do this than to pester and annoy the sibling?

But perhaps the children do indeed lack strategies for getting along and finding a way. Arguing is an expression of discomfort, of wanting to change something and not knowing how. Sometimes children are downright desperate and overwhelmed in conflict situations. This is where children need the support of adults.

3rd tip: What does the child need?

Try to understand what the children are arguing about and what they can't deal with. Help the children to listen to each other in order to develop a certain understanding for each other. With younger children, parents need to explain why the toddler is crying, for example. Perhaps out of hunger, fear, tiredness or anger? What does it need, what can we do to make it stop? This enables the older sibling to understand the behaviour of the younger one and gives them strategies on how to deal with their younger sibling and perhaps even support them.

Support is needed where the children are unable to make progress themselves.

In the case of older children who are always at loggerheads, each child should be given the opportunity to say how they feel and what would help them to continue playing peacefully with the other. Instead of playing the referee early on and becoming the centre of the argument, parents should use the opportunity to teach the children how they can end the argument together. If it is understood why the other person got angry and what they actually want, compromises can be found - as long as there is room for the needs of both parties.

Everyone should therefore be given the opportunity to say how they feel. What has happened? What has it done to you? And what can we do now to move on peacefully? Support is needed where the children themselves are stuck.

4th tip: Set boundaries

Clear rules on how to deal with each other in the family can also take the pressure off family life. Clear rules help everyone to understand what is required and how to behave. Behaviour that is not tolerated in arguments, such as hitting, kicking, biting and destroying things, must be stopped so that the inferior child does not have to experience again and again that it is at the mercy of its stronger sibling.

However, these behaviours also make it clear that the children do not know how to get what they need and want in a different way. Which in turn means that they need to learn and be supported in learning how to settle disputes by means other than violence and devaluation.

Sometimes a little understanding is enough to ease the situation.

Our reaction to disputes between siblings has a significant influence on the development of their conflict resolution skills. Let's be aware: when there is a dispute, everyone involved is actually in need. That's why everyone needs some comfort and understanding. Sometimes this understanding is enough to defuse the situation and encourage the children to find their own way to make peace with each other.

If children manage to get along with each other and build a deep sibling relationship despite all the differences, they will learn social skills that will also help them later in life. And they will be able to experience this special relationship between siblings for the rest of their lives: the feeling of togetherness, of not being alone and of having someone by their side when it counts.