Self-confidence and self-esteem: the strong child

Let me start this text with a personal story that illustrates that there are two ways to strengthen a child. I was a late bloomer, learnt to speak late, went to kindergarten for an extra year because I wasn't ready for school and needed psychomotor therapy to overcome my stiff gait. My brother, on the other hand, learnt quickly and caught up quickly. Although he was two and a half years younger, he was soon able to do many things just as well as me.

Many parents are familiar with this situation, which often leads to jealousy and sibling rivalries. Some parents respond by trying to boost the self-confidence of the «weaker» child. They give them a hug when they devalue themselves and tell them: «But you're better at this...». They desperately list their strengths in the hope that this will make them feel better. In my experience, this rarely works. And that's because it reinforces the idea of competition. The children get the feeling that it's about being better and more talented than others.

The less talented child starts to do the maths and soon realises: I may be stronger in one or two areas - but if I'm honest, my sibling beats me in almost everything else. Soon jealousy flares up every time the sibling experiences success or is praised by their parents. It is not uncommon for a child in this situation to resort to the last resort to protect themselves: It begins to devalue its sibling in order to valorise itself. This in turn is not welcomed by the parents and leads to severe criticism and even greater self-doubt on the part of the child.

Fortunately, my parents didn't focus on my self-confidence back then, but on my self-esteem. They pointed out to me how happy my little brother is when he sees me, how much he learns from me, how much he likes me, that he needs me and how important it is for him to have a big brother.

Don't put the child's performance in the foreground

The focus wasn't on us as people, but on our relationship with each other and our contribution to a beautiful community. When Johannes had achieved something amazing again, I would run to my parents and shout proudly: «Come quickly, look what our little Johannes can do!»

When we can accept ourselves, feel comfortable with our weaknesses and realise that we don't have to earn our place in a community through performance, something wonderful happens: we no longer have to constantly think about how we are performing and where we stand. We can engage with others, work with them and rejoice with them in their successes. So what is the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem?

Self-confidence: What can I do?

By self-confidence, we mean an assessment of one's own competence. The term goes back to the psychologist William James, who established the following formula for self-confidence as early as 1890: Self-confidence = successes / demands
According to this formula, our self-confidence grows when we achieve success. However, the formula also makes it clear that this is only the case if our expectations are not too high.

Self-confidence is not the cause, but the consequence of success.

You can recognise a person with a high level of self-confidence by their attitude: «If I set my mind to something, I will achieve it. There may be obstacles, setbacks and failures along the way - but I can deal with them!»

How do I promote my child's self-confidence?

We promote children's self-confidence by letting them experience the following:

• I can do something! I have strengths and talents.
• I make progress when I make an effort and practise.
• I can deal with failures and setbacks.
• I can face my fears and overcome them.
• I have influence: others take up my ideas and are inspired by me.

Contrary to the expectations of most parents, research shows that our self-confidence is not the cause but the consequence of success. For example, academic self-confidence in Year 12 was well predicted by grades in Year 10. However, academic self-confidence in the 10th grade was not related to grades in the 12th grade. In other words: success comes first, then self-confidence. Not the other way round. If we want to help our children gain real self-confidence, we need to help them develop skills.

There is no shortcut to real self-confidence

The opposite is often propagated on the Internet. If you search for the terms self-confidence or self-esteem, you will quickly land on pages that promise: «Listen to a CD several times with phrases like «I am popular ... I am strong ... I am full of self-confidence.» This will increase your self-confidence and you will be able to move mountains.»

Psychologist Donald Forsyth from Virginia Commonwealth University wanted to find out for sure and sent a group of students messages every week to boost their self-confidence. The result? Those who received the positive messages felt better in the short term - but studied less and performed worse in exams.

Self-esteem: This is what I am worth

Strong children not only have a healthy level of self-confidence, they also have high self-esteem. In 1965, sociology professor Morris Rosenberg defined self-esteem as an attitude or stance that someone takes towards themselves. According to his definition, a person with high self-esteem feels that they are «good enough»; they see themselves as valuable and can accept themselves with their strengths and weaknesses - without admiring themselves or expecting others to do so. Self-esteem therefore does not focus on competence, but on the extent to which someone can accept themselves.

How do I boost my child's self-esteem?

A child's self-esteem is strengthened when it experiences this:

• I have parents who listen to me, take time for me and understand me.
• I enjoy people who like me and accept me for who I am.
• We have a teacher who is interested in us and takes us seriously.
• I feel integrated and welcome in my family.
• My parents catch me when I stumble. They like me with my strengths and weaknesses.

Self-esteem is therefore fuelled by other sources than self-confidence. We develop a high level of self-esteem when we experience that we are part of a community that accepts, understands and respects us and in which we feel safe.