Saying no - but the right way!
Saying no to someone you love is very difficult - that's clear. You want to say yes to people you love. That's also a wonderful thing, because every child's life should start with their parents telling them: «Yes, you're welcome! We want you!» Every generation has had difficulties with saying no and has dealt with it differently.
My parents' generation automatically said no to all gestures that showed initiative - their no always sounded aggressive, and this aggression revealed how difficult it actually was for them to say no. To make matters worse for them, they always looked for plausible reasons in the outside world: «No, nobody does that!»
Today, there are almost only yes-men among parents.
And if the children didn't take this seriously, they came up with rules: «I said no once, that should be enough! No is no!» So it was exhausting for them too, but they practised it consistently. Today it's different - there are almost only yes-men among the parents, which leads to the same difficulties in the relationship with the children. There are probably two reasons for this reversal of the methods of the parents' generation.
One is clear: it is a completely normal reaction to do exactly the opposite of what your parents did. The other reason is that the reasons for the many no's have disappeared - for example, today's parents always have money for a bar of chocolate. That really used to be different. And what also used to be different is the fact that there was a consensus among parents. They said: «No, you can't do that at your age!» and knew that other parents would do the same.
Reflect on your own values, defend your own opinion
So, when I met up with my friends, I realised that my parents were actually right: The other children weren't allowed to do this either. If you tell a child that today, they can use their mobile phone to prove to you straight away that their friend is allowed to do what they are not. So for today's parents, this consensus no longer exists.
This is a big challenge because they have to find the «no» within themselves: They have to reflect on their own values so that when the child comes and says: «I want to celebrate my birthday with my friends at McDonald's!», they are expressing their own opinion and not a borrowed one.
As a father, you can then say: «No, I'm not taking you and your friends to a place where you can eat such food.» Or you can say: «Okay, we'll do it!» Many children want to eat at McDonald's because their friends do too.
Then it becomes difficult for many parents because they don't want their child to become an outsider. So they reluctantly allow it because they lack inner guidance. Because the «no» we are talking about can only be found within yourself! So you have to make a decision and be able to answer the question clearly: Do I want my child to drink Coca-Cola every day? No!
It is difficult to find a consensus
Of course, it is unwise to fanatically ban everything: «Only vegetarian food will be eaten!» Then you run the risk that the children will only eat meat and cola later on. But a balance has to be found: «Okay, you like drinking cola, but in our family we only drink cola once a week and not every day!» It's a big challenge for postmodern parents to find their own values. In large metropolises, many cultures also come together, so it is really difficult to find a consensus today.
As soon as you import arguments from outside, you give impersonal, cold answers.
Danish parents, for example, think that children should not eat overly flavoured food. But if the child is in a Vietnamese family, they will realise that the children there eat spicy food every day. In the Scandinavian countries, breakfast is said to be the most important meal, in Italy there is no real breakfast. What we can see from these banal examples is that there is no universal truth - everyone has to discover it for themselves and communicate it to others.
Parents don't always need to know immediately
You have to be clear about what you want. However, there are phases in life when everything is unclear and you don't know what to do. But you can also say this clearly to your partner or your children: «I don't know what I want at the moment!» For example: your daughter comes home from school and asks you: «Can I sleep at Christina's tonight?» Your automatic response would be: «No, you already did that last week and that might be too much for Christina's mum!»
But with this answer you reveal that it is not you who is speaking, but your mother's tape recorder playing its song. Your mum has already put it this way and so on. If you now ask yourself as a mum: «Do I want my daughter to spend the night somewhere else?», the answer may initially be: «I don't know, I don't know!» And that's exactly what you can tell your daughter: «I don't know. I'll have to think about it for a while and then I'll tell you!»
That is clear information for your daughter! What I'm trying to say is that as a mum you don't always have to have an answer ready, but you do have to tell your child clearly how you feel about yourself. As long as you do this, your relationship is a warm one because it is personal. The moment you import arguments from outside, arguments of a general nature, you give impersonal, cold answers. So this is the big task: to define ourselves - that is, to say yes when we mean yes, and vice versa.
Building authentic relationships
But if you really suspect that Christina's mum is too much, then just call her and ask her. Now it may be that you're embarrassing her and she doesn't dare to say no for social reasons; then she needs your help to say no. She might say: «Well, we have other plans, but maybe we can still do it!» Then you can say directly and personally: «It's not a problem if it doesn't work. It's okay for me if you say no.» And so Christina's mum feels relieved and says: «No, another time!» You pass this answer on to your daughter and she can do something with it. You all have an authentic relationship with each other.
But if you're not sincere, then you won't tell Christina's mum directly what you think, she won't tell you either, and then this weird game of hide-and-seek starts. You then go to your daughter and tell her impersonally: «It's better if you stay here!» But children always want to know: «Why? What did she say? Did she say I wasn't allowed to come?» - «No, not exactly, but ...» you start to flounder.
And then your daughter promptly says: «So I can go!» - Children express themselves so directly, so you would be well advised to be just as clear and unambiguous in your statements. If, on the other hand, you tell her truthfully why you can't go, your daughter won't be particularly happy, but on the other hand she will appreciate it and perhaps even be pleased that you want to spend time with her.
Parents are always expected to know everything straight away. But it's wonderful when they have to think about something.
This behaviour is warmer and more humane than setting a rule from the outset: «No, you're not going away because you've already been away once, and we agreed that you could stay somewhere else once a week!» There's no more contact, no more dialogue, no more development, just the rule. And very quickly your family can turn into a military camp! Perhaps the mother in our example is afraid that her daughter might think to herself: «Look, my mum doesn't know what she wants. She has to think about it for half an hour, that's pretty weak!»
That is an important objection. Parents are always expected to know everything straight away. And it's wonderful if they don't know something straight away and have to think about it. In fact, your attitude will serve as a good example for your daughter when she reaches puberty, for example, and experiences pressure from her friends.
Then she will also be able to say to them: «I want to give you an answer, but I want to make sure it's a good answer, so I still have to think about it. » And this answer is not a sign of weakness but, on the contrary, of high quality and relationship skills!
We all make a huge number of mistakes - what's wrong with that?
There are so many ways to say no - the tone makes the music. If you say no and this no is based on your own integrity, then it's a friendly no: «I know you want me to go with you, but I'm saying no anyway. I'm too tired today!» But there is also an unfriendly no: «No, how dare you ask me, you know I'm tired.» Both times it is a no, but it always sounds different. Saying no doesn't always mean being negative. And we don't always have to be right!
When parents try to make themselves into perfect machines, always agreeing with each other, always being consistent, they present their children with a false picture of reality. We all make a huge number of mistakes, and what could be wrong with that?
Or: What's wrong with letting children feel that we don't agree or have different needs? I'm against my child playing the piano when I'm reading. My wife, on the other hand, thinks it's wonderful. So what's the point if I forbid my son to play and my wife allows it? My son will know from an early age, people are different, he doesn't have to learn this at the age of thirty.
