Rewarding desired behaviour is an abuse of power

Some time ago, I wrote an article about rewards as part of child-rearing. My statements sparked a broad debate. I was very surprised at how many people believe that it is okay to reward children in order to get something from them as an adult. Among other things, I asked the question: Should children be rewarded for being polite?

Rewarding has been on the rise as an educational method for some time now and is now practised in both nurseries and schools. But are we really doing our children any good?

More and more want

The problem with the reward method is that it actually often works, especially with one to five-year-old children. However, it usually only works for a short time. Then the children adapt to it: they demand ever greater rewards or no longer respond to them at all.

Many parents end up using the carrot-and-stick method.

Another problem is that the method logically calls for punishment if the reward no longer works. Many parents therefore end up using the carrot-and-stick method - despite initial reluctance.

Parenting without punishment

In the debate following my article, some parents were convinced that it is impossible to bring up children without punishment - today the word «consequence» is often used. They rely on intimidation. This is also often done at school, albeit not in an active way. The question of whether parenting without punishment is possible was answered a long time ago: many parents around the world allow their children to grow up without punishment - and with great success. So it is possible! So perhaps we need to rephrase the question: Are there parents who successfully raise their children without the use of punishment and reward? Yes, there are.

Over time, we have become increasingly gentle in our manipulation of our children. We have democratised our relationship with them, giving them greater autonomy and the right to make their own choices in life. Both are good ideas in my opinion.

Rethinking expectations

The majority of parents today want to achieve a lot by gentler means. But that is difficult. This confronts us adults with a choice: will we find more efficient parenting methods or will we rethink our expectations and requirements?

For example, many parents like it when their child sits quietly at the table and eats. As a child, I had a friend who I really enjoyed eating with. In his family, it was nice to chat at the table, choose your own food and there was never a rush at the table. In all other families, including my own, the atmosphere was tense and there was a belief that children should be «seen but not heard». It was all about getting through the meal somehow, avoiding punishment and getting out into the fresh air as quickly as possible.

The chaos at the family table is caused by a lack of leadership.

Today, many families experience downright chaos at the dinner table. This chaos is always caused by a lack of leadership or poor leadership. The children in these families are now offered the leadership method of rewards: «If you sit quietly and eat well, you will get ...» Is this adequate compensation for poor parental guidance or a desirable substitute for a good relationship?

The real problem is much more complicated: it's the message behind the reward that tells the child: «I don't trust you to behave appropriately if I don't reward you.» This is a clear vote of no confidence in the child. It ignores the child's proven ability and willingness to «conform» and co-operate. The vast majority of parents I have met want their children to grow up with good self-esteem and a lot of self-confidence. Quite different from my parents' generation.

Love as barter

Punishment and reward as behavioural methods have one thing in common: they release endorphins in children's brains. A hormone that causes a short-term feeling of happiness, like when doing sport or shopping. But the hormone is not stored in the «self». It does not produce an existential substance, but an addiction. This type of dependency requires permanent reaffirmation from the outside.

Any woman or man who would try to regulate their partner with a reward system would make a mockery of themselves. Imagine a wife who is upset because her husband works on a Sunday morning instead of spending time with her. If one were convinced that a reward is the appropriate form for a love-based relationship, this man might say to her, «If you shut up until I'm done, we can go to the beach in the afternoon.»

In this case, love would be a barter. The only difference between this woman and a child is that a child loves its parents unconditionally and is therefore much easier to manipulate. But is that what we want?

In collaboration with familylab.ch