Put an end to the family Christmas myths!

Every year, I long to be a Christmas Buddha. Deeply relaxed, at peace within myself, floating blissfully above things. I would even put up with a Buddha belly - filled with chocolate and mulled wine.

Instead, I mutate into an ugly Duracell bunny just in time for the 1st Advent every year. I jump in all directions in a panic, bark orders at the family and am constantly in action. My to-do list is four pages long and I wake up at four o'clock in the morning to add to it: «Present for mother-in-law?»

Christmas madness instead of Buddhist contemplation. Shopping frustration instead of peace of mind. Feeling unnerved instead of enlightened. Why is that? I think it's all down to those darn Christmas myths. Which we parents believe in as naively and stubbornly as our youngest children believe in Father Christmas.

Myth 1: Crafting with children is fun

After just two minutes, it's done: Little fingers are glued together with hot glue. The cast concrete has been poured into the crack in the dining table. Our dog is covered in glitter and licks it off his fur. The toddler is bubbling from his mouth after eating soap flakes.

Five minutes later, the children have lost all interest in crafting. They get up to spread paint and glue around the rest of the house. Mummy is allowed to spend two hours finishing the scary, beautiful craft objects, packing them up and cleaning up all traces of them.

Myth 2: December is a contemplative month

Perhaps it was 2000 years ago, when there were no events. Since then, a Christmas sadist has decided: Twice as many events can easily fit into 24 days of Advent:

• Baking biscuits at school (bring an apron!)
• Flute concert at the music school (bake something for the buffet!)
• Ice skating with the class (pick out your entire ski outfit!)
• Forest Christmas with the forester (buy a dipper!)
• Niggi-Näggi-Höck with the sports club (organise a Secret Santa gift!)
• Nativity play in the church (make a camel costume!)

We parents are constantly cooking, equipping and clearing away. But don't lose hope: At the Advent carol service, between 3.10 and 3.25 pm - that's when we really get down to business!

Myth 3: Stylish Christmas decorations

Just a few wooden stars and hand-blown glass baubles - how wonderful the decorations look at our childless friends' homes! We'd like to have it like that too.

However, we do have a few small problems: The self-made monster angel from the playgroup with rainbow-coloured glitter, for example. The shrill green, diagonally sewn-together tree ornaments from the Kindersgi. Father Christmas made from glue-soaked pipe cleaners from the workshops. If we don't hang them up, children's hearts will break. So once again, our style is brightly coloured and over-decorated instead of minimalist Scandinavian chic.

Myth 4: Children love to bake biscuits

Children love to mangle the dough with their fingers. They love hitting their siblings with the rolling pin and fighting over the biscuit cutters. They are then so exhausted that they only just manage to roll out and cut out once.

Then our children disappear from the kitchen and hijack the bag of flour to make a ski slope for the Playmobil men. The rest of the baking is once again down to Mummy. She also has to remove leftover dough from children's hair and kitchen drawers. And is so stressed that the first round of biscuits burns in the oven. The second round succeeds, but nobody has the energy left to decorate.

Myth 5: Giving is fun

Gifts must only contain love, they say. This only works for new parents. Babies happily tear up the wrapping paper and don't protest - no matter what's inside.

We parents with older children learn the hard way: our kids appreciate a homemade wooden doll's house less than Chucky, the plastic pee doll. If the child wants a Trotti, then only THE model in THE colour that is sold out everywhere.

Just as sold out, by the way, as the toy horror that everyone simply has to have. Last year, the Hatchimals that wouldn't hatch. This year the LOL Surprise dolls, whose tiny parts are immediately eaten by the baby or dog. Anyone who invents something like that must hate parents.

Myth 6: Our festive meal is the tastiest

What great ideas we have already tried out! As a French-German multicultural family living in Switzerland, the choice is huge. But one person is guaranteed to grumble: Breton oysters? Far too slippery! North German roast goose? Far too elaborate! What's more, anyone who watches their great-uncle gnawing off the goose neck will have lost their appetite by New Year's Eve.

There was only one year when everyone was happy: When we burnt the roast and had to eat potato salad and sausages from the Migrolino petrol station.

Alsatian foie gras? Far too questionable from an animal welfare point of view! At least that's what our teenager thinks. Blue carp? Far too mossy in flavour! Fondue bourguignonne? Far too meaty for the vegetarians! Only one year everyone was satisfied: When we burnt the roast and had to eat potato salad and sausages from the Migrolino petrol station.

Fortunately, life goes on on 26 December. Then the Christmas myths no longer ruin our relaxed family life. Then crafting, baking, decorating, gift-giving and eating will finally be fun again. Until then, only chocolate and mulled wine will help. And to laugh about our Christmas crises. After all, Buddha is always smiling. Happy Advent!