Punishment - is that necessary?

My uncle had a mantra: «Scolding doesn't hurt. Hitting won't last long. He can't kill me.» He tried to encourage himself with these sentences in the morning when he had to go to school. There it was: «Have you learnt the poem? Recite it!» If he couldn't remember it or had forgotten his homework, his primary school teacher would beat him with a walking stick.

It was not so long ago that such punishments were not only tolerated, but also propagated as an effective educational tool . The ultimate goal in education was obedience; children were wanted who were submissive.

The problem is that punishment systems usually work badly and fail to fulfil their intended purpose.

The children we want

Today, however, most parents and teachers reject this educational goal. We don't want obedient children, we want lively children. We don't want children who follow orders, but children with a moral compass, the ability to think, form their own opinions and maintain personal boundaries. We want children who behave socially because they can empathise with others and not because they are afraid of punishment.

Then, of course, there are also situations in which we expect our children to allow themselves to be led, give in and follow rules. We initially appeal to their understanding, try to explain to them why this is important to us, but then quickly come back with punishments if this doesn't work.

Do teachers have no choice but to punish?

It's even more difficult at school. Negotiating something with one or three children is comparatively easy. With more than 20 children, who are brought up very differently at home, it is extremely challenging. Many teachers therefore feel that they simply have no choice but to keep tally sheets, work red or yellow cards or threaten detention. The problem is that these punishment systems usually work poorly, regularly fail to achieve their intended purpose and often have rather unsavoury side effects.

When I talk to teachers about this topic during training sessions, I always ask them the following: «Think about the child in your class that you have to punish most often. How did they behave in your class this week? How was it at the beginning of the school year? If you feel that the situationhas improved significantly as a result of the punishments, please raise your hand now.»

During a presentation in front of 500 teachers, exactly one hand went up. As it turned out, however, it was the discussions after the punishment and the good relationship with the teacher that helped the child to engage in learning. In most cases, the exact opposite of an improvement is the case: the relationship is poisoned, the child rebels with all his might against this treatment and his motivation decreases visibly.

How do we as parents or teachers enforce rules without penalties?

But what can we do as parents or teachers if something is important to us? If we set certain rules that the children simply have to abide by, whether they like it or not, whether they realise it or not?

I myself grew up with very few rules. I honestly can't remember my parents ever consciously setting rules. It was simply clear that we had to show consideration for each other and treat each other with respect. But if there was something that was important to them, they were adamant about it.

Being persistent signals to the child: «This is important to me, I won't deviate from it.»

I do the same with my children. I explain to them what is important to me and why. After that, I don't get involved in discussions every time. For example, I can remember when my son suddenly stopped having his teeth brushed. I said to him: «We have to brush our teeth. Everyone brushes their teeth, otherwise they'll break.» He didn't give in. I sat down in the bathroom and waited. After five minutes, he said: «What are you doing?» I replied: «I'm waiting - I have to brush your teeth.»

He wanted me to read him the bedtime story. «I'll be happy to do that,» I said, «right after I brush my teeth.» He went out of the bathroom and played Lego. After five minutes, I went out too. «Are you going to tell the story now?» he asked, «I'll do that after I've brushed my teeth, now I'll get my own book so I can read. Otherwise I'll get bored while I'm waiting for you.» After 15 minutes, the time had come: he had his teeth brushed. After three days, it was never an issue again.

Stand by what we say

Being persistent signals to the child: «This is important to me, I won't deviate from it.» Of course, there is a certain amount of pressure behind this. As an adult, I know that teeth need to be brushed and it's my responsibility to make sure there are no cavities. I can't avoid it. But if we are persistent, we can make this fact clear to the child without threatening them or punishing them for «misbehaviour» .

I think practising something until you can do it is a pretty good alternative to punishment.

Perseverance takes perseverance and a little courage, because it requires us to stand by what we say. That's why we shouldn't use it too often, but only when something is really important to us. One teacher said to me: "I have very few rules, but I'm stubborn about them. We practise them until everyone can do them.

I think practising something until you can do it is a pretty good alternative to punishment. What do we do with a child who doesn't know the letters or the multiplication tables? We let them practise. Many children have just as big a problem when it comes to self-control. They simply don't manage to control their impulses or think of the rule at the right moment. Often they simply lack the necessary practice.

Being persistent in the classroom

This practice can initially take place in the classroom. If, for example, the rule «When the gong sounds, we are all quiet» is introduced, this is practised. The children are allowed to chatter, the teacher strikes the gong and sees how quickly they manage to become quiet - until it happens very quickly. The rule is practised again the next day and then until the class can do it in every situation. If only one or two children have trouble with it, the teacher practises an extra round with them after the bell.

Children who deliberately break the rules have little desire for such extra exercises and follow the rules fairly quickly. Children who struggle with self-control are happy to do so and are often willing to do so, as long as they sense the right attitude behind it. It says: This rule is important to me - you are even more important to me! And you can practise this with me until you can do it.