Promoting personal responsibility in the child

It wasn't so long ago that we discovered children's ability to take personal responsibility - to look after themselves in certain areas. In recent years, we have learnt more and more about this and are still learning more every day. Whilst we cannot draw up an exact, unchanging list of these areas, a few important principles of personal responsibility are becoming increasingly clear.

Of course, we have also learnt that many parents feel provoked by this topic - and for good reason. Because it shatters the age-old notion of what parental responsibility means. It also means that we have to relinquish some of the power that has always been held by parents. Some parents feel that they no longer fulfil their parental responsibilities to the full extent and no longer provide their children with the care they need. However, we should realise that the best way to develop our children's sense of self is to help them take responsibility for themselves at an early age.

As long as our children are still infants, we provide them with our care in the most natural way. But babies also use their facial expressions, movements and noises to make us aware of their needs, communicate their wishes, reluctance and pain and make their boundaries clear.

For example, they realise when they are hungry and take responsibility for letting us know. They sense that they are cold and also try to make this clear to us. If we have had intensive contact with them for several minutes, they first avert their eyes and then turn their heads away to tell us that they have had enough for now and need a break. They take responsibility for their needs and rely on us to understand and respect their signals.

At this age, there is still no conflict between a child's personal responsibility and parental care. Rather, we are desperate when we don't understand what our child is trying to tell us, whether it is in pain or hungry, whether it is cold or too warm. If only they could speak and tell us what's going on, we think. As our child gradually begins to speak, we become all the more aware of their needs and limitations.

Between the ages of six and thirteen, the question of personal responsibility becomes increasingly urgent. Regardless of how parents have behaved in the past, they are now faced with new challenges:

• Children of this age are increasingly insisting on making their own decisions and want to know why we are constantly interfering.
• The school places high demands on its pupils, and parents need to clarify for themselves what the division of responsibility between them and their children is in this respect.
• The children are halfway through puberty and increasingly have to make their own decisions that will influence their entire adolescence.
• The choice of friends plays an increasingly important role until they become the central role models around the age of nine.
• The children spend more time away from home, which reduces the parents' ability to control them.

Why do you always have to decide everything?

Most children have a limited vocabulary when it comes to existential matters, and only very few would think of inviting their parents to a conversation and saying the following: «Listen, you two. Up until now, you've been completely in charge of my life, but I think I should take more responsibility for myself in the future.»

When children think about their relationship with their parents, they do so «politically» - they think about power. And no matter how flexibly and democratically their parents behave, they still have almost unlimited decision-making power in the eyes of the children. This is why children want to make more «decisions for themselves», by which they actually mean greater personal responsibility. This is not an invitation to a power struggle, but to a peaceful transfer of more responsibility.

It is up to the parents to gradually get used to the role of active sparring partner.

Personal responsibility is the kind of responsibility that needs to be practised and trained in order to master it well. This applies equally to young and older children, but also to adults who had too few training opportunities as children. This is why children cannot immediately «prove» (and thus reassure their parents) that they are capable of doing so.

Adults must have the confidence to «let go» in order to enable their child to exercise personal responsibility. Responsibility is assumed either by the child or by the adults. «Personal» responsibility literally means that it cannot be shared. If there is a tug-of-war between parents and child on this issue, nobody benefits.

It is up to the parents to establish good contact with their child and gradually get used to the role of active sparring partners. At first, they may feel a little careless or «irresponsible», but this feeling usually gives way to the joy of seeing their child's skills unfold and develop.

The children are dependent on the interest, support and commitment of their parents.

The fact that children take on personal responsibility does not mean that they can manage on their own. They need constructive interaction, but must also have the opportunity to experiment and fail (with their parents as loyal witnesses).

Schools have always found it difficult to accept children's personal responsibility. This is why the responsibility for homework is so often shifted to the parents. An accusation that schools naturally defend themselves against - of course the children should do their homework independently, but if that doesn't work, the parents have to do it. Or how is that actually meant?

Many years of experience have taught me that the most sensible thing is also the most obvious: homework is the responsibility of the children. By going to school, the children are in a sense doing their work, so they also take responsibility for what goes along with this work. But once again: they do not do this alone! They are dependent on the interest, support and commitment of their parents. Excessive control, on the other hand, leads to destructive conflicts that not only put a strain on family relationships, but also on the children's relationship with school.

Children and young people live in a world where everything is freely available. Drugs are on offer right outside school and the internet offers a limitless space that has also been created by adults. Then there are the parties, hormones and imposing behaviour, bullying and violence and all the things that parents would prefer to spare their children.

Giving the child confidence

A well-developed sense of personal responsibility, combined with parental loyalty and constructive family interaction, is the best defence against these things and offers the greatest guarantee that our children will not make too many destructive decisions. Therefore, the most important task of parents is to think long-term instead of wasting their energy on control, admonitions, prohibitions and punishments and getting caught up in a series of power struggles.

Parents have to find the confidence in themselves that everything will work out. Their children are not responsible for this. If trust is shaken and panic takes hold, the adults must hold hands and wait until everything is over. And if something does go wrong, trust is still the most important thing you can give your child. Because only you can.