Perfectionism: We don't put any pressure on you!

For most parents today, it is important to protect their children from unnecessary pressure to perform. Especially when children place relentless demands on themselves and can hardly forgive themselves for mistakes, parents are quick to reassure them: «Well, we don't put any pressure on them!»

This phrase is used so often in counselling sessions that, as a professional, you can't help but prick up your ears. In most cases, the parents are not consciously putting pressure on their child, but are under pressure themselves. These feelings are transferred to the child. They feel: «My mum and dad want to do everything well and correctly and not miss out on anything. If I slack off a little, they immediately worry and get nervous. And if I can't do something straight away or am less good at something, they can hardly stand it and want to get «the problem» under control immediately.»

In counselling sessions, we have found that it is helpful for parents to consciously address the topic of performance. If the word «performance» makes you cringe, then the following exercise sequence is just right for you.

Exercise 1: What messages did I receive in my own childhood?

How we deal with performance requirements depends heavily on our mostly unconscious imprints. Many people adopt the attitude that was modelled for them by their parents. Others swear to themselves that they will do things completely differently and end up doing the opposite. How is it with you?

Take a few moments to reflect on your experiences: When were my parents really happy with me? Did I feel their love and encouragement most of the time? Or only when I was good, perhaps even exclusively when I did something special?

It takes courage to come to terms with how your own approach to the subject of performance shapes your child.

What was it like for me to come home with a bad grade ? What did I hear and experience when I failed to do something that was important to my parents? When I lacked courage, perseverance, competence or athleticism or my appearance didn't meet their expectations? Did I feel like I had to earn their affection and attention? And what did I have to do or how did I have to be to achieve this?

Pay attention to which images and situations appear in your memories. Which of these have had a particular impact on you? Which messages may still resonate with you today, even though they are not good for you?

Record your impressions on a piece of paper.

Exercise 2: How does my posture influence my child?

It takes a good deal of courage to come to terms with how one's own approach to the topic of performance influences the child. Let's take a look at two messages as examples:

• «You have to be good in performance situations!»

Some parents emphasise to their children that it is important to always do their best. They are proud of their child's successes and react coldly or reproachfully if the child does not fulfil expectations. The connection to the child's perfectionism is obvious here.

• «Performance situations are often dangerous and morally reprehensible!»

However, children can also develop a fear of performance situations and avoid new challenges if they grow up in a «performance-hostile» environment. Mothers and fathers in particular, who have previously suffered from excessive demands themselves, may wish to protect their own child from any form of competition, examinations, performances and social comparison. Especially if there is a great fear that the child will be harmed if it loses or fails something, children take on this unease and anxiety from their parents.

It's not enough for parents to constantly emphasise that it doesn't matter how they do, to assure them that they don't need to feel bad about a «stupid exam» or to grumble about the «unspeakable meritocracy»: the children still realise how much pressure and stress such situations cause for their parents.

If the child recognises the parents' message, the obvious thing to do is to avoid future performance requirements of any kind as much as possible. The child does not want to try out anything new until they are absolutely sure that they can do it. They want to stay at home on the day of the exam and complain of stomach ache.

Many parents want to prevent their child from feeling pressurised. But they shouldn't be completely indifferent to their own performance either.

Or they make it very clear and vehement that they don't want to take part in this whole circus and casually walk the laps on sports day to avoid failure. Perhaps they are also trying to be so good that their parents don't have to worry.

What is it like for you? How does your child experience you when they talk about an exam, grades or a sports competition or compare themselves with others?

Exercise 3: What does a healthy approach to pressure look like?

Many parents can be very specific about what they don't want. They don't want their child to feel pressurised, afraid of exams or stressed. At the same time, they don't want their child to be completely indifferent to their performance and no longer make an effort.

But what exactly would be the alternative? What are empowering messages that help us to stay healthy in a meritocracy and develop joy in what we do? It's worth thinking about this. The answers to these questions can be very personal. The clearer it becomes for us what is important to us, in which atmosphere our child should develop and where we perhaps also want to consciously counterbalance society's focus on performance, the freer and more independent we and our children will become.

Perhaps you would like to use the following thoughts as inspiration to think about what messages you would like to pass on to your children?

• I can be ambitious and want to be good at something.
• I can set my own goals and strive to achieve them.
• Trying hard and making an effort is more important than success.
• If I'm not yet good at something, I can set my own, smaller goals.
• I can accept help and don't have to do everything on my own.
• Not everything has to be easy for me. You often learn the most when you find something difficult.

No one has to be good everywhere and all the time.

• I am allowed to be disappointed when I fail at something - my parents listen to me and comfort me without denying my feelings.
• In the long run, perseverance and practice are more important than talent. I can also be proud when I stick with something and don't get discouraged.
• I can also be lazy sometimes and do the minimum if something is not important to me or does not interest me. Nobody has to be good at everything all the time!
• When I am assessed from the outside - whether it is a grade, criticism or praise - I am aware that this is only a snapshot and the view of one person. I can decide for myself what I take to heart and where I disagree.