Parents under constant stress: «What really triggers you?»

Mrs Disler, corona has given childless couples in particular plenty of time for lots of sex, in stark contrast to parents who are constantly stressed. Is that right?

In my day-to-day practice, I only see those who have a problem (laughs). But basically, couples who got on well before the coronavirus crisis enjoy their time together and tend to have more sex. And the others who had a crisis beforehand have even less sex. Regardless of whether they have children or not.

Home office, possibly quarantine - in any case, everyone is at home a lot: can parents still live out eroticism at all under these circumstances?

They can, but couples need to make time for togetherness. It is very important that couples realise this: As a couple, you are the core of the family, not the children. Taking time for just the two of you and cultivating this is also important outside of the coronavirus situation.

What does that mean in concrete terms?

Planning time slots that are just as important as children's birthdays or doing the laundry. Sexuality is therefore taken just as seriously as an office, where you can say: During this time, we don't talk about problems, switch off our mobile phones or meet up in our baggy clothes. Even if things are difficult at the moment and you're together non-stop: treat your partner the same way you would treat a customer or your neighbour. Try to be nice, put on something suitable and be open towards each other.

What advice would you give if sexuality in a relationship has gone completely to sleep?

I sometimes give couples who come to my practice experimental tasks to help them meet each other in a new way. They really enjoy doing these, by the way. One could be, for example, to give each other a French kiss every day to find out what kind of kissing they like. This includes always kissing each other differently. What's important here is that it doesn't have to be seen as an erotic task, but as a kind of project to rediscover each other.

To come together again?

Absolutely. A partnership is a balancing act of habit and novelty. Habit is the strongest glue you have as a couple. But if you constantly stay in this comfort zone, which many people find great at the beginning, it gets boring at some point. Nobody is the same person they were a year or ten years ago. You also have to keep up with this change in the partnership. This means: update each other on your current thoughts and wishes. This will keep you interesting for each other. Unfortunately, it is precisely this updating that couples often miss out on because they get lost between work and family.

If sexuality is lacking, can this also be an indication that something is wrong in the relationship itself?

There are couples with or without children who have been happy without sex for many years. However, if a couple has a problem with their lack of intimacy, this may mean that the issue is completely different, i.e. the problem is not primarily sexual, but is merely a distancing factor.

«Negotiate with your partner if you want something different.»

Well, everyday life is more stressful at the moment, uncertainty about the future is stressing many people out and the tone in family or couple life is becoming irritable. What can we do?

Irritability always means that something is triggering you. So the question is: what is really triggering you at this moment? If you accuse your partner of something, it always has something to do with yourself. Another person might not provoke the same behaviour in the same way. But in a relationship, a trigger issue is an invitation to take a closer look and ask yourself: What do I need to stop being triggered? Take responsibility for yourself and tell your partner what you need. And don't blame them.

The household is currently a major trigger topic. Even though men are more involved in the household than they used to be, studies show that the majority of care work still falls to women. What do women do with this contradiction?

Simply do less.

So you spend days climbing over socks that stink in the hallway?

Sometimes women find it difficult to relinquish control because they are so quick and have everything in view. Many women would probably just put these socks away quickly because they think: it will take forever until the man does it. And therein lies the problem. If they were also so relaxed about it, then there would be a good chance that their partner would say: Ok, I'll do it! In my experience, men are very relaxed when it comes to household chores. But then they do it. Simply at their own pace.

By then, the partner is done with nerves.

But then we're back to the same point: she can be triggered and then the problem lies with her.

Or that her partner imposes his own rhythm of life on her.

That's the crux of the matter. She wants it done quickly, but if she demands this from him, she's doing the same thing. So my tip is: negotiate. In this specific case: negotiate the pace of tidying up with your partner. Explain to your partner why it is important to you that something has to be done by then. And also agree to listen to why it is important to your partner that you don't have to put everything away straight away. This often gets the situation moving.

That sounds a bit exhausting.

Sometimes yes, but as a couple and especially as parents, you are a team. And many parents lose this team spirit over time. They start to work against each other instead of together. Instead of thinking about what you don't like about the other person, it's better to say: Ok, we're in this situation now. How can we organise it together? In other words: negotiate more with each other about what you want instead of talking about what you don't want.

But what do you do with anger towards your partner? Often it doesn't just disappear.

It is an indication that you feel your limits. This is a very healthy thing, especially in a relationship. What happens if you don't listen to your inner no and then don't set your boundaries? You get angry. Firstly at your partner. And later at yourself for not standing up for yourself and communicating what you need to feel good.

In your opinion, which topics are not being addressed enough in the family during this coronavirus crisis?

There is too little or no talk about how to deal with the death of a family member. Saying goodbye, a funeral meal ... all of this is even more difficult now. The logistics alone are a feat of strength. Financial problems or the fear of losing your job are also major stress factors affecting families and couples at this time. Negotiating individual freedom is also more difficult for many at the moment because they feel obliged to be more considerate of each other. Another taboo subject: affairs during the coronavirus crisis.

During the coronavirus crisis, affairs are more likely to come to light.

A sensitive topic that has now become even more explosive ...

Well, you now have to find a very good excuse to stay out of the house for longer. I'm really noticing this in practice right now. Men and women who are having affairs are finding it very difficult to meet up at the moment. The longing for their lover is sometimes even greater now, which also has an impact on the main relationship.

What is the consequence?

Affairs are more likely to be discovered. It's just noticeable when your partner is nervous and constantly on their mobile phone. That makes you suspicious. On the other hand, the affair also feels very neglected because the affair partner can't - or doesn't want to - get in touch as much.

So could we also say that the crisis is bringing the real problems to light?

It's both. There are people who have suppressed the fact that their lives consist of nothing but the daily grind and who suddenly break out of their 24/7 routine and say: I don't want this anymore. Of course, this is a kind of liberation because these people act according to how they feel. But there are also others who say, thank goodness I can experience that for once. I almost missed my children growing up because I was so busy at work. Many men enjoy spending time with their children at home. And so do the children, as each parent is different, which brings variety to everyday family life.

The coronavirus pandemic also makes finding a partner complicated, and this is probably even more difficult for single mums and dads at the moment.

Online dating is as topical as ever. Singles are almost more active than before because they don't want to be alone. One creative example is the Zurich project «be my quarantine», which organised dates via Zoom in spring and summer. But it's clear that single mums and dads are actually having a harder time at the moment because dating without a babysitter is only possible via online platforms.