«Parents should encourage development, not slow it down»

Mr Hurrelmann, you have been researching the relationships, feelings and values of 12 to 25-year-olds for decades. How does the current generation of young people experience their relationship with their parents?

The Shell study, one of the largest youth surveys in the German-speaking world, as well as other studies, show that the relationship between young people and their parents has steadily improved over the past 20 years: The relationship between young people and their parents has continuously improved over the past 20 years.

The vast majority of young people have a good or very good relationship with their parents, with only around 10 per cent reporting tensions in the Shell study. Accordingly, young people are satisfied with the upbringing they receive from their parents. Three quarters of them describe their parents as role models and want to bring up their children in a similar way one day. The strong revolt against parents, which was once commonplace, is largely absent today.

The developmental task of breaking away from parents lasts well beyond puberty.

How can this be explained?

There are several reasons for this. Probably the most important is the change in parenting behaviour - away from an authoritarian approach based on obedience and discipline, and at worst intimidation and violence, towards a participatory, democratic approach. In my day, people wanted to get away from home as quickly as possible and no longer be bullied.

Today, the relationship between the generations is characterised by mutual understanding, solidarity and extensive harmony - a surprising constellation for a 68er like me. We also have the special situation that youth begins earlier and ends much later.

In what way?

The beginning of adolescence is determined by biology: The onset of puberty, which has shifted forward by four to six years over the last 200 years. The end of adolescence is less clearly defined. In the usual understanding, an adult is someone who knows roughly what social and professional interests he or she has, who has managed to leave the parental home and has integrated into society. At 18 or 20, hardly anyone still fulfils these criteria.

Across Europe, most young people do not move out before the age of 25. The fact that education takes longer and young people are financially dependent on their parents certainly plays a role here. Certainly, some are too comfortable to move out: One has a cheap place to sleep, enjoys the benefits of a functioning household. However, it would be too short-sighted to cite such circumstances alone as the reason why the physical distancing from parents takes place so late.

As long as the offspring are there, you don't have to worry about what happens afterwards.

Why?

Because they have not distanced themselves from them emotionally. Surveys of 20-somethings show that for many, parents are still the most important advisors in all aspects of life. Parents are caring towards their offspring well into their late teens and children are happy to be able to fall back on their support and leave certain decisions to them.

Today, the developmental task of breaking away from parents lasts well beyond puberty. You don't have to judge it, you can leave it at that - and you mustn't forget that the parents also benefit from it.

What do you mean?

On the one hand, the concept of youthfulness today not only refers to a stage of life, it is also interpreted as a lifestyle that stands for openness, spontaneity and the joy of experimentation and has become a kind of maxim: regardless of age, people want to stay young, i.e. open-minded and adventurous. With young people in the household, this is somewhat automatic.

Children keep you mentally active and their support should not be underestimated, especially when it comes to digital issues. On the other hand, as long as the children are there and so close to you emotionally, you don't have to deal with questions that you would rather suppress: how to continue after the family phase - professionally, in the partnership. However, this is a dubious benefit that can be detrimental to parents because they don't manage to redefine their role.

What about young people? Aren't they in danger of failing in terms of independence due to the current zeitgeist? A recent bestseller describes today's young people as the «generation unfit for life».

That would be a very pessimistic scenario: that in 15 years' time we will have nothing but dependent adults who need support with every little thing and are always looking for reassurance. The optimistic version would be the assumption that everything will just take a little longer and that young people will take more time to find out who they want to be and where they want to go. The reality will probably lie somewhere in between.

One thing is certain: parents can only deal appropriately with the child's attempts at autonomy during puberty if they do not want to turn back the clock or blur the fact that two different generations are living under the same roof. The task of parents is to initiate development, not to slow it down. They can already set the course during their children's puberty so that the process of growing up succeeds within a reasonable period of time.

Parents should discuss issues relating to education, finances and even moving out with their teenagers as early as possible - long before the event in question occurs.

How?

By modelling family to teenagers as a community of solidarity to which different generations belong, and that the task of the older generation is to set the younger generation on the path of gradually taking responsibility for themselves.

A conversation with a 15- or 16-year-old should also be on the table: What are her plans when she finishes school or her apprenticeship in two or three years? If she wants to go to university: Until when will we finance her, and on what terms? Or a gap year - you can say: You can do it, but we won't finance it, or only partially.

Parents should discuss issues relating to education, finances and even moving out with their teenagers as early as possible - long before the event in question occurs. And signalise this: We want you to move on to the next phase quickly. In this way, young people learn to think ahead and deal with important issues early on.