«Parents should be less hard on themselves»

Mrs Ambauen, hardly anyone thinks it's right to threaten children with punishment these days. Nevertheless, «If you don't do this or that, then ...» sentences are uttered by parents every day. Why is that the case?

Many of us plan to use a different parenting method to our parents. However, this does not mean that we can automatically implement this in our everyday lives. To do this, we first have to realise which beliefs shape our behaviour.

And how do you do that?

Before I can do anything differently, I need to know what it was like in my own childhood and how I have been doing it up to now. If you can, you can ask your siblings about this. And, above all, observe yourself. Perhaps I value a tidy home in my everyday life. Is that because I want it to be? Or because I grew up in a tidy household myself and always had to tidy up a lot as a child?

Under stress, we often no longer have the capacity to control our reactions with sufficient distance and reflection.

Do I want to pass this value on to my own children? Or do I imagine a different way because I realise that the topic of tidying up also leads to many conflicts? Then I have a starting point to gradually change something. But that takes a lot of time and patience. Because the beliefs that we have learnt from our parents are deeply ingrained in us.

Is it even possible to get rid of them completely?

Probably not, they are usually just pushed into the background. You realise this as soon as you find yourself in a stressful situation and fall back into your old beliefs. Under stress, we often no longer have the capacity to control our reactions with sufficient distance and reflection. This is normal. We then switch to autopilot because this requires the least resources.

And then threats slip past our lips again, such as «If you don't tidy your room, you won't be allowed to meet your friends».

Such a threat is often simply a coping strategy because we can't think of any other quick way to get the child to tidy up.

Do you have to accept that?

In some moments you probably do. However, it definitely helps to be aware of when such situations happen in which you fall back into undesirable behaviour and beliefs. And then think about how you can perhaps prevent this. For example, those who are well-rested are better able to deal with stress.

So if you have a week with a lot of work appointments ahead of you, you can try to get enough sleep. And perhaps organise fewer additional private appointments. This helps us to relax, and in a relaxed state we behave differently towards our family than we do under stress. Wanting to be deeply relaxed and reflective parents when the system is under too much tension and too much exhaustion is illusory.

Everyday family life without any stress is also illusory. Parents cannot always behave as they would like. Nevertheless, misbehaviour always triggers a guilty conscience.

Oh yes, parents have huge expectations of themselves. You should definitely practise being less hard on yourself. We are allowed to make mistakes. Several a day.

Some parents turn everything they have experienced in their own upbringing on its head. They find every limit too much.

It's not the mistakes that harm our children. It is much more difficult when parents hide or deny them and think that they will lose face if they apologise. And we don't have to wrap our children in cotton wool.

Is this what often happens when you want to get rid of old beliefs: that you overprotect and shelter your children and behave as much as possible in the opposite way to what was important in the authoritarian parenting style?

Yes, some parents try not to repeat the mistakes of their own parents. So they simply turn everything around. That's why some parents now find every boundary too much. They try to avoid any negative emotion, never get loud, never scold, never say «if, then» - and they think that's the best thing you can do for your child.

I see it differently. Children need clear, healthy boundaries. You can't protect them from all difficult emotions, otherwise they can't develop a tolerance for frustration. And needs-orientated parenting doesn't mean always meeting all of the children's needs and wishes. Especially as needs and wants are two completely different things. And parents also have needs for which they need time.

Do you also use if-then sentences yourself?

Sure, I think it's important to set boundaries and conditions. For me, it has nothing to do with a threat if I say: «After dinner, you help clear the table, get ready for bed and then you can play «Uno» for another twenty minutes.» I think these are important «if-then rules» for a good relationship.

Children who do not learn that there are rules and boundaries do not develop frustration tolerance.

In my counselling sessions, I see parents who think that this is already violent parenting. But children who don't learn that there are rules, conditions and boundaries develop precisely this skill poorly. Instead, they only learn that their needs always come first and must always be satisfied immediately.

However, there are parents who want to change their behaviour but are unable to do so. They realise that something is wrong but can't find a way out.

Oh yes, it feels like walking on quicksand. Your thoughts get darker and darker, your energy dwindles. Then it's time to get help, from a certified psychotherapeutic specialist - it has to be on your CV. «Psychologist» or «coach» are not protected terms, which initially says nothing about the expertise. Professionals help to identify negative beliefs and unhelpful behaviour and develop strategies to deal with them better in everyday life.