«Parents often don't trust children enough»

Mrs von Salis, many parents are overwhelmed when their children are angry or sad. Why is that the case?

Parents want their children to be well and they suffer with them when they experience difficult emotions. Sometimes your own emotions come up that you have not dealt with. You want the unpleasant feelings to go away as quickly as possible and miss the fact that they give you important information about yourself and your environment. Accepting and enduring these feelings is challenging.

Why are some emotions rated positively and others negatively?

This is certainly due to the fact that some feelings, such as joy or happiness, are pleasant and others, such as anger or fear, are very unpleasant. Then there are moral concepts that are culturally influenced. Envy, for example, is socially undesirable in our country. We also have a tendency to magnify negative feelings.

What do you mean?

If things are going well, we don't realise it or we take it for granted. If something is wrong, we notice it much more quickly and want to get rid of the feeling.

Dealing with negatively valued feelings such as frustration or anger is also much more difficult.

That is true. On the one hand, there are reasons for these feelings that are not always easy to understand. On the other hand, negative feelings require us to find a way of dealing with them. Positive feelings do this much less. However, children want to share in all emotions - both the pleasant and the unpleasant ones.

A child needs sensitive caregivers who recognise its signals.

In the past, people tried to suppress difficult feelings. Parents would say things like «An Indian knows no pain».

The goal of parents today is the same as it was in the past. Parents try to raise their children so that they behave in a way that is socially desirable. That they don't throw themselves on the floor or throw things around when they are angry. Today, parents take more time to understand the reasons behind an emotional outburst and to find a good way of dealing with feelings. In the past, this process was less emphasised.

In other words, the goal remains the same, only the way to get there has changed?

Yes, that's right. Thanks to developmental psychology, we know that emotional regulation works better when children understand and categorise feelings and are able to help shape situations. It is assumed that mental health is based, among other things, on being able to understand yourself and your environment as well as possible. This requires an understanding of all existing emotions and a good way of dealing with them.

For example, the fear doesn't go away if the parents say: «You don't have to be afraid.» But they can say that there is no real danger, for example no witch or crocodile under the bed. The child benefits from learning how to deal with fear or other difficult feelings.

And what is the best way to learn emotional regulation?

It is important for a child to have sensitive caregivers who recognise their signals, interpret them and react to them. The older the child gets, the better they can regulate their feelings themselves. Language helps to name emotions, categorise them and think about them.

Parents sometimes react badly. That is normal. The important thing is that they also react well from time to time.

Let's say your son is making something, but it doesn't quite work out. After ten minutes of futile endeavour, the tears come and he throws himself on the floor, screaming with rage.

The most helpful reaction from parents would be to show understanding towards the child. He is practising something that is not yet successful, which can cause great frustration. Parents can explain to the child: «I understand your frustration. You are practising. If you keep at it, you'll get better and better.» If necessary, the carer can do handicrafts together with the child. Of course, reacting in this way works best when the parents themselves are not stressed.

This is a big problem in everyday life. It feels like tantrums always happen when there is no time for them. Then you don't react in the ideal way.

It is normal for interactions to go wrong sometimes. That's not a bad thing. The important thing is that the reaction is always good. This means that mum or dad should remain calm, show understanding, respond to the child's feelings and help them to get out of their unpleasant feelings.

What should you do if you have scolded instead of showing understanding?

You can talk to your child about it in a quiet moment and explain how you felt. Basically, it is important to look at yourself and ask yourself what is going on inside you. It provides guidance for children if they know what is going on with their parents. For example, why the parents are stressed when the child dawdles in the morning. Older children in particular can understand this very well - but that doesn't mean that they're going to be sporadic about it.

You said that showing understanding is very important. This is particularly difficult when a topic doesn't mean anything to you. My younger daughter, for example, always wants to be dressed nicely - even for kindergarten or the forest. Beautiful clothes don't mean much to me. We often have conflicts in the morning.

Negotiations are certainly needed. Kindergarten is not the right place for nice clothes, but your daughter should have the opportunity to dress nicely in the evening or at a birthday party. You can ask her why she wants to be dressed like this, what she thinks is nice. However, it is not always easy to show interest when you are unfamiliar with a topic. Perhaps there are other people around you who can step in. For example, a godmother who likes to go shopping.

As children, many parents have learnt little or nothing about recognising their feelings and talking about them. How can they learn to deal with this?

The great thing is that we can learn throughout our lives. We can also talk to other parents or friends about how they deal with their feelings. The important thing is that we look at ourselves. We don't have to tell our children: «You're tired now.» Or: «You're frustrated now.» Instead, we can talk about ourselves and say: «We've done so much today, I'm very tired. Could it be that you're tired too?» It's a process that we can learn together with our children.

It helps to realise that although we have to guide our children, we cannot control them.

Let's say that as a mum, I always feel very angry in certain situations. For example, when my child doesn't want to do their homework. Where does this intense feeling come from and what does it say about me?

We are closely connected to our children and are affected when their behaviour does not match our expectations. Children mirror our own successes and failures. It is not easy to maintain a good level of close connection while at the same time maintaining the right distance and recognising that our children are not the same as us.

But how can I access these feelings and learn to deal with them constructively?

It is helpful to realise that although we have to guide our children, we cannot control them. They are their own people with different ideas to our own. You have to learn this again at every stage of development and find the right attitude. This is exhausting, but also incredibly exciting. The best way to do this is with curiosity and attention. In order to be able to give this, we have to ensure that we experience satisfying relationships ourselves.

In needs-based parenting, parents should find out what need is behind a child's behaviour. An example: Our younger daughter has days when she constantly wants sweets. I then try to find out why this is the case. Whether she is bored or hungry. But that's not easy.

I would say it's exactly the same for us adults. We may also have days like this and not know what exactly is behind them. You can ask about it. For example: «I notice that you're asking for sweets all the time today. Why do you think that is?» The child may or may not then say something.

We don't have to do everything for the child and necessarily find a solution. Instead, we should enable the child to reflect on themselves. It is important that we react as kindly and attentively as possible. This works best if you treat yourself in the same way.

Friendly and approachable is certainly ideal. But things don't always work out that way in partnerships either. Are parents allowed to argue in front of their children?

This question is actually superfluous, because it just happens. It's not about avoiding conflict, but about finding a way to deal with it. It is helpful for children when they see that their parents have differences of opinion but seek solutions to them. However, this does not mean that everything is okay. Frequent heated arguments and physical or psychological violence between parents are detrimental to children's development.

Even the occasional parental dispute is not always constructive.

When parents argue very emotionally, they no longer realise how this is received by the children. It is therefore helpful to explain the conflict to the child in a calmer moment in an age-appropriate way and ask them how they felt about it. Children realise much more than adults think. Be it financial difficulties, conflicts about who does how much in the household or the relationship between the parents.

It is said that children often have the feeling that they are to blame for arguments. Which is true in a broader sense. Many conflicts arise due to the great burden that children bring with them. Should we still tell them that they are not to blame?

Yes, you should. Although children up to the age of four or five hardly understand that other people have different thoughts and feelings to them. In this egocentric phase, children relate everything to themselves. It's still worth having a conversation - within the limits of what the child wants to know and can understand.

Families should be aware of their values, what is negotiable and what is not.

For example, if the mother is frustrated because she would like to work more, it helps the children to know this. You can say: «I really enjoy spending time with you, but I would also like to work more because I enjoy it.» Children understand many things very well, but we often don't trust them enough.

Sometimes you say something in an argument or in anger that you later regret. How do you deal with this?

The repair is very important. You can come back to it and explain: «I was very angry and said things that were exaggerated or went too far. I'm sorry.» But sometimes children do really impossible things. Then it's okay to make it clear to them that they have crossed a line and that you don't want them to.

It is essential that you try to avoid attributions such as «You're always so annoying» and send first-person messages. For example: «I want to concentrate on my book now and will make time for you in fifteen minutes.»

Put simply, the brain is remodelled during puberty. What happens then in terms of emotional regulation?

Brain research is a relatively young field, we don't know that much yet. The regions responsible for emotion regulation do not all develop at the same pace. The frontal cortex develops rather slowly. This is why long-term planning, sensible processes and sticking to them are not yet so successful. In addition, adolescents are temporarily less able to read facial expressions, which can lead to misunderstandings. They are also strongly focussed on being accepted by their group.

This can trigger intense feelings in parents because they fade into the background.

It helps to realise that detachment from parents is an important developmental task for children. It is also helpful for parents to think back to their own puberty and how they felt. It is important that mums and dads have their own interests, hobbies, friends or professional challenges. This makes the detachment process easier for them.

The rapid changes of adolescents between toddler needs and striving for autonomy are challenging.

Does this make it easier not to take the child's rejection personally?

Rejection is always personal. And adolescents can be very hurtful. That's part of it. The parents' task is to find a way of dealing with it so that this behaviour doesn't offend them too much. It is also important that they become aware of the family's values: What is negotiable, what is not, what holds us together and where should each member develop in their own direction?

Young people still need their parents.

Yes, that's right. The rapid changes between very infantile needs and striving for autonomy are challenging. One moment they need comfort and a hug, the next they want to be treated as an autonomous, independent person.

There are some topics in everyday family life that are quite emotionally charged, such as media consumption. Homework and learning also cause a lot of controversy and frustration.

School really does bring a lot of stress to families. Mental stress among children and young people is on the rise. The factor that is mentioned most often is school. This is a major issue that we need to take seriously as a society. In this respect, too, every family must come to terms with its values.

How important is it to us that homework is done? How much time do we spend on it? Do we as parents get involved at all? Practical questions also need to be clarified: Is the task too difficult? Or is the child too tired after a whole day of school, after-school care and hobbies? If difficulties persist, it is important to seek dialogue with the school.

You've said this time and time again: parents need to deal with their feelings and involve the children in discussions about family values. Is that a key to dealing well with difficult feelings?

Perhaps it can be summarised as follows: being aware of your values helps you to decide what is important, which arguments should be held and where you can accept negative emotions. There are also topics that are less important to us, where we can accommodate the child and thus avoid conflicts.

It is also helpful to think not only about what you don't want, but also about what you want to promote. For example, what the family enjoys. In any case, it's worth talking to each other and involving the children. Because they usually have good ideas.