Parenting without punishment - yes, it's possible!

The belief that it is not possible for people to live together without punishment is deeply rooted in our beliefs and feelings. We immediately think of people who commit atrocities and cause deep suffering to other people. We believe that they deserve to be punished, that only through painful punishment do they understand that we do not approve of their behaviour, and that we can expect and force a change in behaviour when they feel first-hand how much they have hurt others.

We punish deliberately and intentionally and legally deprive offenders of their freedoms so that they realise what restrictions they have placed on others. The punishment is intended to deter them from harming others again. And for others, the punishment should have a deterrent effect. That is why states provide for imprisonment, torture and the death penalty, because there is a conviction that a country cannot be governed without the ultimate deterrent.

We are also convinced that justice between perpetrator and victim is restored when the perpetrator suffers and atones for his offence. His suffering, his pain, his repentance and ideally his remorse give us, if we have been victimised or if we empathise with the victim, a feeling of satisfaction, reparation and the restoration of justice and order. Little do we realise that we are actually doing the opposite. Instead of learning compassion through punishment, people become even more bitter and feel confirmed in their hostile view of humanity.

Undoubtedly, there are people who act destructively and brutally, so they need to be taken to a safe place for a period of time to protect them from themselves and others from them. There they should get help and learn to understand their emotions, change their attitudes and behaviour.

Direct and indirect punishment

However, they should not be humiliated there, perish or become so angry that, as soon as they are free again, they take revenge on a much greater scale for the suffering and injustice done to them in their eyes. The harshest punishment cannot turn this smouldering hatred to good or prevent them from using violence again if they have sworn revenge after repentance.

The child does not understand the parents' genuine need and cannot respond to it.

But what are punishments anyway, and what do they achieve? A punishment is a disciplinary response to behaviour that is considered inappropriate or transgressive by an educator, for example. In psychology, we talk about direct punishment, when the undesirable behaviour is followed by a negative consequence. For example, the adult demands: «Wash your hands before you come to the table!» The child says no, the adult builds up pressure until the child gives in and washes their hands.

Success only in the short term

With indirect punishment, something positive is taken away. «If you don't wash your hands, you won't get dessert.» The aim of punishment is to enforce authority. The child learns to obey and submit to the will of another person, or it goes into opposition and fights for its own cause.

Most parents experience that they are successful in the short term, but in the long term they are always back to the same point and have to say the same thing a thousand times. They lack the experience that things could be done differently, and they have no idea how the child's deepest need for autonomy and respect is so offended by demands, control and punishment that it says no to the demand and not no to the parent's need. The child does not understand the parents' genuine need, e.g. for hygiene, which is behind the demand, and cannot respond to it.

Penalties and consequences

Many now reject punishment and instead demand the «milder» form, the consequence. In reality, the consequence is not a milder form of punishment. Consequences insert a step between control and punishment, a kind of pause for thought in which the child is led to believe that it has freedom of choice, which it does not, because ultimately it has no choice and must obey.

In parenting guides, parents are told that they must follow through with the consequences if they have threatened to do so, otherwise they will lose credibility and authority over the child.

Punishments and consequences clearly trigger destructive feelings in the child.

The expectation is that the relationship between the undesired action and the consequence will encourage the child to understand and then show the desired behaviour or refrain from the undesired behaviour.

However, researchers have been able to prove that this gradual difference between consequence and punishment is fundamentally incomprehensible to children. What does have an effect on the child, however, is the feeling of fear, guilt or shame. Punishments and consequences clearly trigger destructive feelings in children and they are not shown any alternatives to their undesirable behaviour.

Carrot and stick

The idea of a system of rewards and punishments develops in children's minds at an early age, as does the conviction that it is effective to exercise power over others. Children learn that parents have the right to impose their will on children.

Children rightly conclude that inflicting suffering is a legitimate exercise of power and develop an image of humanity in which the carrot and stick principle prevails: you achieve your goals by inflicting pain on others until they give in. This hierarchical system of punishment is practised and thus also passed on to their own colleagues and siblings.

If we see a child insulting, threatening, choking or hitting another child, we reject this behaviour and punish them for it, even though we have taught them and set an example every day.

A child cannot understand this contradiction. A feeling of confusion and despair arises in their heart. Because the people they depend on and love so much turn away when they do the same as them. The child becomes fearful of punishment and loses trust in unconditional love, the strongest bond between parents and children.

Punishments frighten children

In my work as a psychotherapist, I meet children who are not afraid of running into the street or cutting themselves, but who are afraid of the reaction of their parents or teachers. The innate and life-sustaining fear of danger to protect life is decreasing, and the acquired fear of people is increasing.

When the child loses trust in us adults, we lose the child's protective guidance. We have lost the connection, his unconditional love and his trust in us. Restoring this is the first step on the way to empathic communication, which makes parents and children incredibly happier.

Needs at the centre

Relationship and connection come from understanding the needs that move a child. The child is often unaware of its needs. The feelings are the traffic lights that indicate the needs. The caregiver helps the child to read their feelings and recognise what their needs are. The observable behaviour that the child displays is simply the best strategy that the child knows in the situation to ensure that their needs are met.

That is why the focus of a conversation is not the behaviour, but the needs behind it. Empathy is created when a mother listens to her child without judgement and repeats in her own words what the child has said. Connection and empathy can be learnt (see box below).

The price that parents pay for a punitive upbringing is very high.

Most parents do not realise how powerful expressing feelings and needs is and how they can communicate their own needs in such a way that the child understands them. When this succeeds, deep mutual understanding and happiness arise. Children learn by example and sense changes very quickly. When parents are in touch with their feelings and needs and learn to talk about them, the child in turn quickly learns that it can trust and is safe when it opens up and bonds with its parents.

It is in our hands how we speak to our children, how we behave towards them and what role models we are. If we want peace, we must consistently exemplify and teach peace. Unfortunately, pressure and punishment are still taken for granted in our society.

Punishments are a quick solution

Adults today are also measured by their performance and managed by means of punishment and reward systems. These seem to be the best tools for increasing motivation, achieving efficiency and curbing violence. Punishment and reward represent today's need for «quick fixes». The economic idea of efficiency permeates education and training and supports the belief that only children who learn discipline will make it in life because they can be subordinate.

The price that parents pay with a punitive upbringing is high. And this results in people who are trapped in these ways of thinking again. We deplore the abuses in our coexistence and see their consequences, but we don't realise the connections between cause and symptom.

Avoiding punitive behaviour, constantly connecting with your children and trying to see and understand the needs behind their behaviour requires practice and ultimately non-violent communication. This careful language uses many concrete examples to show parents and educators how they can step out of the spiral of violence and punishment and get in touch with themselves and their children.