Parenting without punishment - the most common objections
1. parents have neither the time nor the nerves to discuss every misbehaviour of their child in detail.
Saying the same thing a thousand times (such as: «Wash your hands!», «Don't be so rough!», «Switch off the PC!») also costs a lot of nerves, anger and time. Misbehaviour always arises from a conflict of needs between parents and child. Talking about needs and strategies brings understanding, solidarity and the willingness to develop other strategies that are acceptable to everyone and therefore no longer lead to misbehaviour.
For children, we always talk too fast, too much and miss the point.
The time it takes to learn this is a wonderful time. We slow down and simplify communication. Because for children, we always speak too quickly, too much and miss the point. If we don't share our needs with them, we remain like a sealed book for them. They may feel our anger, but they don't understand what needs lie behind our anger and have not been respected. This understanding is the first step towards resolving conflicts in the long term, avoiding misbehaviour or making lasting changes.
2. conflict resolution in a few steps is not practicable because new conflicts constantly arise in everyday life with children that require a quick solution.
The steps are easy to understand and, with a little practice, can be carried out quickly, but power struggles are repetitive, divide victory and defeat and spoil the mood.
3. because children are often unaware of their needs, they need clear instructions from adults.
It is worth taking the time to bring children into contact with their feelings and needs and to show them ways in which they can fulfil these while also respecting the needs of others. This makes children empathetic, autonomous and strong.
Families who react calmly are popular and inspire the neighbourhood and school with their level-headed manner.
4. the method does not work at the latest when children who grow up without punishment meet children who have been brought up «conventionally» in a conflict situation.
Children learn faster than adults. They become experts in resolving conflicts. They say what they feel and need without accusing others and know how to take responsibility for themselves.
5. parents will never succeed in involving their child's environment (school, neighbourhood) in their non-punitive parenting methods.
Families who react calmly are popular and inspire the neighbourhood and school with their level-headed manner.
6. children are dependent on authentic reactions from adults. These can also be angry at times. Genuine, authentic interaction is lost if parents try to reasonably reflect on a problem with the child every time.
If the father or mother is angry, the child feels guilty because it thinks it has done something wrong and needs to change. These feelings of guilt overwhelm the child. It would be authentic to say: «I'm angry because I urgently need some peace and quiet right now» and to talk to the child about it and give them time to understand.
7 Not every conflict situation with children is based on a deeper childish need. Sometimes children simply want to test boundaries, provoke a reaction, try out how far they can go.
At this point, the power struggle over who is the strongest and who is right is already in full swing ...
